Why I Shouldn’t Be Afraid?

Be safe out there! I hope it all settles out soon. #oneaznnation -OM
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YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY

Fear Fear holding you back. Photo taken from PsychologyToday.com

Its been months since I last posted something, I guess no inspiration came across me. However since I felt anxiety is creeping in, I find the need to express myself, channeling my feelings here. Speak my mind out, perhaps ease it a little bit.

Since I want to write something, I tried scouring the internet for some inspiration. Little did I know that I find it in a blog that I follow (Opionated Man). In one of his latest posts he discussed fear. Fear not of monsters, goblins, demons etcetera but fear of being unable to remember his loved ones, family and friends.

Then it made me ponder of my own fears. Yes, I fear of rejection, condemnation, death, alienation etc. But instead of going through bullet points of every fear that I have, I’d rather discuss 2 fears that I…

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-OM

@smokendust

Fear

I’ll admit I have a few fears. I just witnessed one of them this week.

My grandmother passed away from Alzheimer’s disease a bit ago. My best friend’s mother passed away from Louie Body Dementia this past week, a new disease for me to add to my fear list. Louie Body is much like Alzheimer’s, it robs you of any dignity you have earned from your lifespan. It takes you from an adult back down to the status of a child and in the end they either whither away and die or they starve to death.

In the past five years I saw a woman go from my best friend’s mom, a woman my wife vividly remembers because of her openness and kindness when meeting her the first time, to a woman I barely recognized but still deeply felt connected to. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose yourself.

This blog, this place I’ve built for myself here… It is the image of my mind. These diseases that cause you to lose what I hold most precious scare me. What are we without our memories? What is a life if you don’t even remember living it?

You know some people make the statement that they want to be written into a book so they can be remembered forever.

I just want to remember myself and all I love till my last breath. That’s all I ask really, to be able to have that last blink and hopefully slide out one last thought that maybe it was worth it after all.

-Opinionated Man

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@smokendust

Silly

I could shine a light into the night.

But why would I want to see the night?

Even when I close my eyes it’s not right.

The dreams. The night terrors. It’s never right.

I could run a mile but never gain an inch.

Just an inch. Half an inch.

I’ll take what I can get.

-OM

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@smokendust

Yes

I bet on myself and I succeeded.

It feels good.

When I went to Memphis I was in the middle of compliance. If you are in finance or Healthcare you feel my pain. Auditing, compliance, or security operations examination can be excruciating if you run a team. I work in FINTECH (financial technical industry) and it can be hell.

Today I made the deadline.

The deadline was today.

That was closer than I anticipated…

This scotch smells like victory.

-OM

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@smokendust