Depression Settles at the Bottom

IMG_3010

I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

44.1

img_0379-27

Star

I wished upon a Star.

And watched it float from afar.

Never knowing it wasn’t my star.

It already knew another’s call.

I climbed up in a tree.

Hoping for a sight to see.

All I see is other trees…

and people seeing what I want to see…

I have these crazy dreams.

Of people chasing me.

It makes no sense it seems.

Why must I always flee…

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

The Truth about Blogging

“You have so many subscribers but I never see many comments or likes. How’d you get your follower count so high?”

What didn’t I do?

I got my first 4,000 subscribers by telling them I knew the secret to blogging. They told their friends and now everyone is waiting for that secret. I’ve been claiming I’m going to reveal it for some time now. It does wonders for your views because “they” keep coming back expecting to see the secret of blogging!

The next 4,000 followers came when I revealed my new religion. Creating a new religion is easy online and people are willing to follow anything.

10,000 followers came from my YouTube videos. I have an amazing singing voice and I can’t help people think my dancing is amazeballs.

I wrote an ebook once. It was actually just my posts compiled as a book because I’m a lazy tard. I got 12.5 new readers from that move, but me thinks they may not really be readers.

1,000,000 views came from simply withholding my name for a couple years and promising it was going to be spectacular when I revealed it. It wasn’t. My name is Jason Chandler Cushman. Feel the amazement? … Well that’s probably why no one kept following after that.

I went self hosted and all three readers I currently have followed me. I ported over my subscribers to the self hosted site and then changed my mind and came back here. Then I changed my mind and went back to self hosted… then was again like ‘eh’ and came back. Now everyone probably thinks this site is written by my not as famous uncle Fred who really just wants to make paper airplanes.

What are we at? Like 22,000? The rest came from advertising that I’ll do personal favors I never did. If you make it exciting… people get excited. And they follow you around until they realize you are just a tease.

That about covers it. If you are ever curious why my subscriber count is so high and the comments/likes so low that’s why. I should have followed through on some of those personal favors.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Week

Monday night.

Sunday’s some day in the future.

I rest upon a Tuesday as we booze our way to Wednesday.

A Friday to ponder upon a forgotten day.

What day was it anyway?

I wish upon a perfect Saturday.

Never ending latter day of hours missed.

Finally a day just to be a day.

What will I do with it?

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Old Friends

I’ll admit.

I love it when old blogger friends stop by. It lets me know that my site is still working because… we’ve had issues with that in the past. Kind of like when we tried that virtual bar Linda? I enjoyed seeing you too Lou and I often wonder what Nav is doing.

I’ve got Gary. (No we did break up, again my humor is taken the wrong way!) I’ve got Jim and that other Jim and him and him…

I know the rest of you are busy blogging away. I’ve been there.

I don’t know everyone’s name and I have a suspicion some of you are really dudes with women’s names.

I don’t judge.

That’s cool.

-OM

@smokendust

Sex

As part of me cries into your hand.

You make me want more,

you make me want more.

Let’s do it all again.

My fingers walk the fine line between you and I.

A circle of want, as we want what we want.

Can I feel inside?

I feel you now, a firm grip around me.

You can feel it too.

Let’s do it all again, you whisper softly.

As I make love to you.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust