A new kind of math

Those of us with IBS or Crohn’s know the struggle. And now with limited toilet paper, there are definite decisions to make.

I’ve created a math based on need. If I go all the time I’ll quickly run out of my stores like I did eggs. So the math is simple – I use a BR, which is a bubble rate of my stomach, divided by pressure (obviously pressure in my stomach and butt), and I multiple it by the negative decrease in toilet paper. The rate I’ve come to is two times a day which is a struggle.

Now I know most medical books will say a normal human should go once a day. I’m abnormal I guess. I beat that math by 9 am and I trump the odds by lunch time. So I use this math as a litmus test to amuse myself while I count the squares I also use in the process. I’m sure some scientist is going to tell me my equation is wrong.

Well I failed math in the eighth grade… so that wouldn’t surprise me.

-OM

Scary times

I don’t care to speculate.

It’s scary times.

When you go to the store and all the shelves are almost bare.

When you sit and watch your stocks and 401K plummet.

I know some people have been through this before. It’s scary.

You get to view how immature society can still be. How we can act like animals. But also how we can still act like angels.

Acts of kindness seem to be rarer and rarer. It doesn’t take much to be kind. To do a favor, to help someone in need.

Even stopping your hand for a moment and taking a deep breath and realizing other people are worried sick. It doesn’t help to speculate and it doesn’t take much to be a human.

Let’s be kind.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

Not today Satan

I killed my first scorpion the other day.

I opened the garage and it tried to come inside and went under my car. I had to grab a broom to sweep it out from underneath and then stomped on it shouting “You Shall Not Pass!!!”

Not today Satan.

-OM

Random

Ring ring ring…

“Hello?”

“Hi Mr. Cushman this is Lawndoctor calling about an annual membership for lawn care. When can we get started?”

“Well I don’t have a lawn anymore…”

“Ok, so we’ll need to adjust your membership?”

“Well I sold my house and don’t have a yard… so yeah, I guess so…”

“Ok we’ll follow up in a couple months then, thanks!”

“But I still won’t have a lawn and there’s hardly any grass in Arizona…”

“Ok… I’ll take you off our call list. CLICK”

In retrospect I should have just led out with the Arizona line. It seemed to work faster.

-OM