My mind

I want to welcome you to my mind.

It’s a dark thing, but I’m finding light. It isn’t light through the darkness either. There are just areas where I wasn’t in control.

I have control now, come I’ll show you the rest.

Tons of area to be creative. Tons of space I’ve wasted… time. It does seem to slip away, where does she go…

But we have time now, take my hand. Please.

I’ll show you the areas where light seems to grow.

You’ll like that.

You’ll see the darkness no more.

You’ll believe that…

If you shut yours eyes you’ll see it too. A tour of darkness for me and you.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Fog of War

One day it won’t feel like I walk through the fog of war… anymore.

I’ll stand beneath the sun and shine.

I hope for that day constantly. I struggle forward, let me put down my sword.

Maybe then I won’t see what is beneath me.

Crushed dreams, little pieces of me… it seems.

Parts of the war. I see pain, I know pain.

It makes me wonder if I could handle peace.

Truly seeing all of me.

What would happen if I could see.

The man I am meant to be.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Dispenserism

This blog always provides a line of thought to contemplate and a smile as well. -OM
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See, there's this thing called biology...

cookieI love theology, doctrine, the revelations to be found within those pages, the way scripture reveals itself, “precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little and there a little.” Isaiah 28:10.

What I  am not so fond of is academia, religiosity, and a wrong-headed heart. Can a heart be wrong-headed? Well, I have just declared it to be so, so it must be true. Our exegesis can be a work of art, our hermeneutics glorious and yet, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.” 1 Corinthians 13:1

Scripture rendered bloodless, loveless, devoid of  life, and often quite hostile towards all the alleged “heretics” of the world, just doesn’t appeal to me. Least anyone think I’m exaggerating the nature of the problem, the Babylon Bee has poked some fun at this very thing.

Internet…

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Why do bumps in my life make me feel like I’m drowning? 

Encouragement for the day. I enjoyed this post and it was a good start to the morning reading! -OM
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thesecretblogofa30yearold


I noticed a crack in the floor, a tiny black crevice slowly opening. As I peered down to look closer, the ground beneath me started shifting…my heart pounding faster and faster as I watched the tiny crack burst open into a huge swirling black vortex. Sucking every inch of life out of me, my soul floating away from my body, my heart disappearing…the sky turned black…there was no way out. The air so thick with despair I could hardly breath, it filled my throat and my lungs, slowly suffocating me. My heart palpitating and the world I knew and loved had gone. It was all over.

Whenever bumps in the road come my way, this is how I feel. It’s like I’m drowning and there’s no way to escape. Nothing will ever be ok again, I will never feel happy again, time will stand still forever in this shit pit.

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Hoping to Die

There was a time in my life when the land was covered in darkness. It did not matter what time of the day it was there was simply no light. I walked the world a ghost and prayed to any god that would listen that he or she would simply end it for me. I wanted to die. I wrote the below poem in remembrance of that time of weakness.

And there they lay. The tools of the day. A razor, a pile of pills, and a bottle of Tanqueray.

I have stared in the mirror for hours. All have gone to bed. With each tear has come resolve. We may as well end it all. I hate you. With a hand I gulp the pills, the bottle is already near. I gulp death’s companion. And to the left are the backup dancers.

A letter to someone… I hope… anyone?

Never there is a reply. I say this aloud now as the razor cuts once, twice, thrice… and as the ice cold water washes away my sight. I feel life fleeing from my nearing empty vessel. And suddenly a wrongness, a surrender of an opportunity? I do not know.

And as the light flees the coming darkness, all I can do is embrace the growing warmth.

People fail to realize that there is depression and there is suicidal. To me suicidal is the point you reach when you just don’t care. You could give a shit less about heaven or hell, they are one and the same because your life has become a living hell. It doesn’t matter how many “do gooders” speak soft words in your direction, you only see darkness.

I remember well that time still to this day. The feeling of that night, sitting online and telling a few “close online friends” that I just didn’t care. That it was time to see what the next page brought. I remember a feeling of finality when I shut down my mother’s computer. My steps were almost light as I walked slowly upstairs. Neither asleep, nor really awake… I walked like a man in a daze to my bathroom. I starred at myself in the mirror for what seems like hours and in those precious minutes I decided I was ready to die. I made that choice. I took those pills and I drank that bottle to the head and I remember smiling. Because finally I didn’t feel so cold anymore. The warmth of death was my friend that night and I was ready to receive him.

It changes you… that type of experience. It is nothing to brag about and many might feel ashamed of that type of weakness. To feel ashamed of being human is a shame in itself. I was human that night, but I am lucky my humanity failed to die.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

@smokendust

44.1

Guardian Angel

I once saw a guardian angel. She was pushing a cart down the street with everything she owned in it. Her head was down and long was her hair.

I walked up to her and asked where she was going. Why was her view only on the ground below.

She said she had no job to do. No one believed or cared anymore.

She let her head and hair fall to the floor because she was being ignored. And so she was walking as I had found her, until she was needed once more.

I watched as she walked away and felt no dismay.

Before me a guardian angel shone onto the floor and struggled to not be ignored.

-Opinionated Man

J.C.C.

44.1

@smokendust