Pen thieves

You really have to watch out for pen thieves and they are everywhere like people that take your lighter! Many don’t even know they are pen thieves! Incredibly right? They’ll walk right off with your belonging and not give it a second thought. I’ve encountered these people while working in restaurants and in offices, and it is infuriating!

I propose pen theft be given a minimum of one hundred years in prison.

Per pen.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

Things You Don’t Want to Hear at Work

1 – “WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!?!?”

2 – “First, I want you to know how much we appreciate you and the work you do here.”

3 – “We are closing the downstairs vending machine until further notice.”

4 – About your life. Unless I ask. I won’t ask.

5 – Mandatory

6 – Buyout or Bought or “We just got bought! Ahhhhh!!!”

7 – Triple beep card rejection. This can mean many things depending on where you work. We forgot to renew your smartcard or… I’ve known some companies that let you know you are terminated by simply not letting you in the building that morning.

8 – “Who knows what an ice breaker is?”

9 – If you have a really annoying laugh and everyone can hear you… don’t laugh. Just save your laughter for your car ride home and the whole ride laugh to yourself to get it out. If you can’t figure out if you have an annoying laugh ask a few strangers for an honest opinion. Don’t ask friends. Your friends probably have annoying laughs as well…

-OM

@smokendust

Things I’ll do IF I win the Powerball


1 – Build a few churches and hire some people to pray for me daily. Maybe even give myself a position?

2 – Feed all the kids and unfeed all the adults.

3 – Create my own Powerball where people give me money and someone supposedly wins weekly.

4 – Change my name to Chang and disappear.

5 – I’ll be the asshole with the exotic pets I never take care of myself (because that’s how your ass gets eaten). Maybe a liger or two.

6 – Buy a television station (so I can’t get fired), host a show where I pay people to clap for me constantly because that has to be great for your self esteem, and prepare an army of lawyers.

7 – Don’t do number 6 and instead buy an island away from everyone I don’t care about.

8 – Taste every single scotch in the world.

9 – Visit all the famous places I want to see before someone blows it up or ruins it.

10 – There are many daily activities I find tedious, but brushing my teeth is top on that list. I’d hire someone to brush my teeth for me, like a personal dentist. Do we really have to do it three times a day though…

-OM

Things I Don’t Get

1 – Why do people have to make a big deal about everything? So your kid somehow swallowed a Star Wars Lightsaber and now you think Star Wars is evil and should apologize to the world? That actually leads me into number two…

2 – Why is everyone apologizing for stuff all the time? I hope I never become famous or wealthy where people might sue me for random reasons. I’d be apologizing through my publicist everyday.

3 – Why do people write posts on Facebook that call out half their friend list? “To my Liberal Friends _____” You might as well unfriend those people, get it over with, and then you can change your post to “Those pieces of shit liberal fuckers think _____.”

4 – I blame Rambo, Rocky, Karate Kid, Aliens, and Back to the Future for the fact that Hollywood refuses to make anything new anymore. Instead they make remakes, additions, prequels, and prequels to the additions of the remakes…

5 – Stop making singing shows so personal. I get it, the audience loves to be drawn in. It is so annoying though and everyone has a sob story. “My brother… he used to eat my cupcakes as a kid and I never got any. I just want to win this competition so I can eat cupcakes.”

6 – Why is the McRib sandwich not offered all the time? And what happened to supersizing my fries?

7 – I think it should be illegal for commercials to show food that isn’t exactly like the food I’ll get when I get there. Because I’m coming and it better be amazing.

8 – People that have parties on a Saturday and don’t provide alcohol are unkind people. That just sucks.

9 – People that write lists are incredibly bored people.

10 – I hate when people act uppity just because they work at a store. I mean… you work there… that isn’t your fucking name on the building! Come the fuck back down to earth!

11 – I hate when people say “we,” but they really mean you. I know you are talking about me Gary.

12 – I don’t know why people expect me to kill spiders. And snakes? You better call someone for snakes… I don’t do encounters with venomous, angry creatures. That is why I don’t camp.

13 – Why am I working on a Sunday… I’m so bored!!! …

-OM

@smokendust

Social Media

Social media can be funny. You gotta decide who you want to let in and who you want to keep out… with their issues. One day you might have to say “Gary I’m not coming to your tea party man…” The problem with confronting issues is that issues have mouths and fingers. So Gary types back “but Jim likes tea. Why don’t you like tea? 😰” Then you are stuck… because you do actually like tea and now you’ve lied to Gary. Do you come clean and in turn commit yourself to all future tea parties forever? Or do you pull the plug, plan a fake trip to Florida, and post old photos hoping no one notices… and live the lie.

All because you didn’t like “tea.” Social media.

-OM

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@smokendust

Blogging

I don’t know the cool kids, but I know where they are. I know where they sit and write, I know where they blog.

They are the same individuals I envied upon, the same blogs I commented on.

Those comments sit there still today, forgotten and alone.

I hope no one ever thinks I am one of those people I knew.

I hope everyone sees the process I see, sees the blog I grew.

But I know humanity and what we really see. I know blogging and how bloggers tend to be.

They’ll see the numbers and the likes. A selfie or maybe two.

They’ll see what they want to see.

They’ll never see you.

That is blogging and blogging is what we do.

It all makes up what we love…

who would have knew?

-OM

@smokendust

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