I’ve known controlled and uncontrollable rage. I think we all have. Uncontrollable rage like when we get so angry we throw our cell phone and break it. About six seconds later the regret kicks in and then a new anger… at ourselves for breaking such a precious thing! All over someone not even worth it! Fuck! What were we thinking?!? We could have thrown the blender, it is only worth $20! But then how would we make margaritas?
I’ve known controlled rage. That anger where you want to just pummel someone until they are broken like your favorite toy was. And then you are sad the toy is gone. I’ve known that rage before often and controlled it. It makes me reflect sometimes on myself.
When I was young I was taught that “a deed thought of is a deed done.” Well that scared the shit out of me. I think up some evil stuff and have thought horrible deeds in the past. That meant… I might as well of done them in the face of God. I wasn’t too sure about how I felt about that as a child. That basically meant I was on the hook for something I didn’t feel I controlled mentally. And who wants to fast from food to try and control your mind when you are twelve?
I’ve learned that my mind is a puzzle that becomes less puzzling each day. Pieces of me have become a part of what I will be, I just don’t know it yet. The piece of my mind that thinks awful thoughts and is right next to the agitated Cushman that never relaxes. I’ve stopped trying to fight them. They are just me at this point.