I’ve always ridden my highs and lows in life because there has always been a bell curb of the day… the week… or the flip of a switch of the moment. As I begin to get used to this new management role I am also being reminded of the need to be professional. I used to think this meant one thing, be an unfeeling asshole. I am starting to learn that it can be whatever you want it to be.
I’m a complainer. I know… shocker. Anyone that reads this blog can hear me, hear my voice, and normally my voice is giving voice to a complaint. I don’t know why, perhaps I am just a judgmental bastard or maybe I can blame the orphanage as a child. I still eat like an orphan after all.
The problem with me is that I care too much. You always hear people say “I don’t do things half assed,” but it’s true. I don’t. When I take something on I fully jump in, even if it is a lost cause. I sure am glad I haven’t found myself on the losing side of a war this lifetime.
I was told I need to work on not allowing so much emotion into my voice. It is a little amusing considering I have a monotonous voice that I wouldn’t even wish upon myself, but I am assuming what was being called is my annoyance and how easily I show my frustration through my tone. My wife says I project my emotions so strongly that people can feel it in the room. That probably also explains why I don’t have many friends. Humans tend to not like people that are too high or too low depending on the hour you catch them on. My hours don’t follow the sun.
I do need to learn to not complain as much and internalize some of those emotions. As a manager I have to recognize that my attitude affects those around me. It makes me wonder if anyone really took a strong look at me before putting me into this position because anyone that works around me knows I ride the waves. I am the wave.
Sometimes I don’t know what to call it and I don’t even want to grace it with a name. My everything that is nothing brings me down and I feel so depressed that I just want everyone to leave me alone.
But now I am in a position where I am never alone and a constant finger is always tapping me on the shoulder. It makes me want to shoot the sun sometimes… or let the sun run over me.