Ring ring ring…


“Hi Mr. Cushman this is Lawndoctor calling about an annual membership for lawn care. When can we get started?”

“Well I don’t have a lawn anymore…”

“Ok, so we’ll need to adjust your membership?”

“Well I sold my house and don’t have a yard… so yeah, I guess so…”

“Ok we’ll follow up in a couple months then, thanks!”

“But I still won’t have a lawn and there’s hardly any grass in Arizona…”

“Ok… I’ll take you off our call list. CLICK”

In retrospect I should have just led out with the Arizona line. It seemed to work faster.


Life of an adoptee

“No I don’t celebrate Chinese New Year.”

“Martial arts? I know how to swing a stick. Does that count?”

“Yes I’ve eaten kimchi. I’m adopted, not dead.”

“No I can’t show your son how to use chopsticks. He can’t even use a fork.”

“No I’m not Japanese.”

“No I’m not Vietnamese.”

“Yes I’m Korean. Yes… I’m sure…

No… not North Korea…”

“Yes I realize Cushman isn’t a Korean name.

Yes… I’m really sure I’m Jason Chandler Cushman…”

“Yea… that’s my mom. No… I’m not half white. Yes… … I’m sure…”

“No I didn’t steal this credit card. Yes, I have my drivers license to prove it.”

“No I don’t have a green card. Yes I realize immigrants should have one. I’m nationalized. Yes… I’m sure. Ok… I’ll get my paperwork, been here since I was 3.”

“Yes I speak English and understand what you are saying. No… I don’t require a translator.

Yes… I still understand and follow the conversation at hand.”

“No I don’t have an opinion on Chinese Communism and history unless you want to discuss the Silk Road and the Boxer rebellion which I wrote papers on in college.”

“Yes I’ve briefly been to Japan on the way to Korea. Yes I like sushi.”

“No I don’t speak Korean. Because I was adopted. Well… I didn’t choose that route. It was sort of chosen for me.”

“Yes I realize I should learn to speak Korean someday. I’d also like to learn to be a botanist someday, all in good time I suppose.”

“I changed my name because no one would be able to spell my Korean name and I’d get irritated daily because of it. I basically saved myself a lifetime of irritation. Yes… I’m still proud to be Korean.”

“I’m rooting for both teams… no I don’t feel a need to pick between the USA and Korea, I hope for a good game.

This isn’t a war, I don’t have to choose sides ok? Fuck off!”

-Opinionated Man