What I’ve learned living in Colorado

1 – Everyone rides bicycles here. They also all think they are cars. You aren’t…

2 – When horses take a pee they really make sure their stance lets you know it.

3 – It doesn’t have to be cold to snow. This is a notion that has been completely destroyed by this state.

4 – Snowmen don’t go to Florida when they die. They melt and become a puddle… then a horse drinks them and pees them out.

-meow

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@smokendust

Reasons Why People Follow You and Your Blog

1 – They are waiting for you to fail. Failure is so entertaining and even more so when the failee journalizes it for us! Fail away!

2 – You have a cute animal. Because animals are cute… until it dies. After the grieving period we don’t need your blog unless you get another one.

3 – You make awesome food and tempt us with photos of it! But then we go on a diet and we block your blog because you are just a visual temptation and we don’t need that.

4 – You are cute. But then your significant other sees your blog on your tablet or iPhone and asks, “who’s that honey?!?” You can only say “I dunno, some tennis player” so many times.

5 – You are funny. But then people get sad and your humor begins to irritate the fuck out of us. Fuck your happiness.

6 – You post a lot! That’s fun until it isn’t.

7 – You write amazing poetry! Beautiful lines that eat at our soul. But then something happened and you began to write in a coded language only you understand. That’s cool and all, but if I want to learn a coded language I’ll go become an elf.

8 – You pray! A ton! I’ll visit your blog on Sunday…

9 – I love your artwork and I find inspiration in your strokes.

10 – You tricked everyone into thinking you are running an official WordPress function by placing their name in your title.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

10 Things Not to Say to an Asian

  1. -Do your parents speak English? No, they kind of wave their arms around and point at things while grunting.
  2. So do you like eat rice every day? So do you like eat fat every day?
  3. When did you come to this country? How do you know I wasn’t born here?
  4. Do you eat Asian food? While assuming we eat every type of Asian food you can think of IS annoying… also asking us obvious questions such as this one is pretty lame as well.
  5. Is that your dad? (points at random Asian man) No, is that your dad? (points at the first person he sees… man or woman.)
  6. Do you celebrate Chinese New Year’s? Do I look Chinese? Wait… don’t answer that. I SAID DON’T ANSWER THAT!
  7. Could you suggest a good Asian restaurant to go to? Sure, try The Drunken Chinese Chopstick Eating Dragon Wonton. I hear it is excellent!
  8. Go back to your country! If I did that who would do your math homework?
  9. What is the easiest Asian language to take for college credit… I just want to pass! Chinese is so easy and takes little effort. Go and be a star!
  10. Can you show me real quick how to use these chopsticks? How about I show you how to use a fork instead… deal?

-OM

10 Reasons Why I Use the Word “Fuck”

1. Things move faster when you yell the word “Fuck” at them. “Fucking move” works best obviously.

2. Because the word “motherfucker” has too many syllables in it and takes too long to say.

3. People have been telling me since the age of 6 not to use this word. Well fuck them!

4. The word “shit” lost its harshness years ago.

5. It still amazes me how a singular word can offend so many people just by its existence. I feel like all the Fucks in this world deserve my support now.

6. After I received my first farewell letter from a subscriber due to my language I knew I could never break up with the word Fuck ever again. Using it just makes my job easier.

7. I love words that have multiple uses.

8. I love this word when it is used as a verb.

9. I use the word “fuck” because it is part of my colloquial language and I won’t moderate my writing for anyone.

10. The last time I used the word “dammit” a pack of eager beavers appeared.

I am 34 years old. I don’t need your permission to use words. If you don’t like the words I choose to use read something else.

-OM
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