The Truth about Blogging

“You have so many subscribers but I never see many comments or likes. How’d you get your follower count so high?”

What didn’t I do?

I got my first 4,000 subscribers by telling them I knew the secret to blogging. They told their friends and now everyone is waiting for that secret. I’ve been claiming I’m going to reveal it for some time now. It does wonders for your views because “they” keep coming back expecting to see the secret of blogging!

The next 4,000 followers came when I revealed my new religion. Creating a new religion is easy online and people are willing to follow anything.

10,000 followers came from my YouTube videos. I have an amazing singing voice and I can’t help people think my dancing is amazeballs.

I wrote an ebook once. It was actually just my posts compiled as a book because I’m a lazy tard. I got 12.5 new readers from that move, but me thinks they may not really be readers.

1,000,000 views came from simply withholding my name for a couple years and promising it was going to be spectacular when I revealed it. It wasn’t. My name is Jason Chandler Cushman. Feel the amazement? … Well that’s probably why no one kept following after that.

I went self hosted and all three readers I currently have followed me. I ported over my subscribers to the self hosted site and then changed my mind and came back here. Then I changed my mind and went back to self hosted… then was again like ‘eh’ and came back. Now everyone probably thinks this site is written by my not as famous uncle Fred who really just wants to make paper airplanes.

What are we at? Like 22,000? The rest came from advertising that I’ll do personal favors I never did. If you make it exciting… people get excited. And they follow you around until they realize you are just a tease.

That about covers it. If you are ever curious why my subscriber count is so high and the comments/likes so low that’s why. I should have followed through on some of those personal favors.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Blogger Breakups

You never think about breaking up when it comes to blogging, but it happens. I recall a time when I had a blogger buddy, let’s call him Gary for fun, and he was a Dad blogger. Super pro dad this and that and men and go male go!

I, kind of like an idiot but it is too late now, decided on the pen name Opinionated Man and therefore instantly attracted these super male types. I’ve shared though that I’m a father of two girls and more importantly, I have some personal morales that keep me from doing what some people do and think. I have my own opinions.

I’m not sure what the argument was about the final day. It could have been over Peyton Manning for all I know because I’ve been in real arguments over Peyton Manning and I don’t take that topic lightly. So if the bastard slandered Peyton then we probably did fight, but now that I’m thinking about it… that couldn’t of been it.

Because he said “you are supposed to be a dad blogger and support me back.”

I still don’t know what that meant…

I guess that was a blogger breakup?

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Reasons Why People Follow You and Your Blog

1 – They are waiting for you to fail. Failure is so entertaining and even more so when the failee journalizes it for us! Fail away!

2 – You have a cute animal. Because animals are cute… until it dies. After the grieving period we don’t need your blog unless you get another one.

3 – You make awesome food and tempt us with photos of it! But then we go on a diet and we block your blog because you are just a visual temptation and we don’t need that.

4 – You are cute. But then your significant other sees your blog on your tablet or iPhone and asks, “who’s that honey?!?” You can only say “I dunno, some tennis player” so many times.

5 – You are funny. But then people get sad and your humor begins to irritate the fuck out of us. Fuck your happiness.

6 – You post a lot! That’s fun until it isn’t.

7 – You write amazing poetry! Beautiful lines that eat at our soul. But then something happened and you began to write in a coded language only you understand. That’s cool and all, but if I want to learn a coded language I’ll go become an elf.

8 – You pray! A ton! I’ll visit your blog on Sunday…

9 – I love your artwork and I find inspiration in your strokes.

10 – You tricked everyone into thinking you are running an official WordPress function by placing their name in your title.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

10 Things Not to Say to an Asian

  1. -Do your parents speak English? No, they kind of wave their arms around and point at things while grunting.
  2. So do you like eat rice every day? So do you like eat fat every day?
  3. When did you come to this country? How do you know I wasn’t born here?
  4. Do you eat Asian food? While assuming we eat every type of Asian food you can think of IS annoying… also asking us obvious questions such as this one is pretty lame as well.
  5. Is that your dad? (points at random Asian man) No, is that your dad? (points at the first person he sees… man or woman.)
  6. Do you celebrate Chinese New Year’s? Do I look Chinese? Wait… don’t answer that. I SAID DON’T ANSWER THAT!
  7. Could you suggest a good Asian restaurant to go to? Sure, try The Drunken Chinese Chopstick Eating Dragon Wonton. I hear it is excellent!
  8. Go back to your country! If I did that who would do your math homework?
  9. What is the easiest Asian language to take for college credit… I just want to pass! Chinese is so easy and takes little effort. Go and be a star!
  10. Can you show me real quick how to use these chopsticks? How about I show you how to use a fork instead… deal?

-OM