Chasing happiness

Like a sigh of sweat red wine.

A whispered goodbye that never dies.

I feel it like a tap on my shoulder.

A look back I can’t remember.

Chasing happiness with a pen.

Chasing happiness within.

Not knowing the definition.

Only that there’s a destination.

A point I am supposed to reach.

Something no one can teach.

It all ends in a sigh.

As we chase that which can’t be defined.

-OM

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Depression Settles at the Bottom

I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 20 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 14 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 11 years since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

Jason C. Cushman

-Opinionated Man

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Open me

Open me, come open me. Open up my heart.

Remind me where we came from by showing me the start.

Sing to me, you sing to me. I hear you in my soul.

Let you overwhelm me with a feeling of being full.

Feel me how you feel me. I can feel you too.

I can feel as we feel past all we ever knew.

Open me, I open up. An open heart for you.

Forever is our ever as only known by few.

Jason Cushman

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Memory Eternal

I saw it in the heavens, in the stars.

A host of new angels traveling somewhere far.

Their flight was like a magical sight.

And yet I knew it felt just right.

An image imagined without the pain.

The memory eternal of the slain.

-OM

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Would you ever, if you never

Would you ever, if you never saw the stars.

Learn to dream in the dark away from the light.

Would you ever, if you never had a cause.

Fight for those that cannot fight.

Would you ever, if you never knew love.

Share a moment and create a memory.

Would you ever, if you never knew the truth.

Find peace at night and learn just to be.

Could I ever, if I never knew my past.

Find something worth holding and make it last.

Could I ever, if I never cared for you.

Find forgiveness for you too.

Could I ever, if I never knew the man I was.

Be the man I was meant to be.

Could I ever, if I never wrote again.

Live my life with no beginning or end.

Jason C. Cushman

-OM

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Depression

I see and read the struggle everyday. Our struggles, through the posts, they become a canopy. A hanging remembrance of sadness felt. Overwhelming because it overshadows us, we cannot turn about.

Our path, a shared path, with memory stones. A stone for each soul that thought they were alone. We walk, a shared path, never knowing that we share the way. One way, one path, yet no one else feels this way we say.

I read about a fallen star today. Another star, someone else’s fall, but it feels the same. A stinging pain that stays like a stain. Look down, not up, we’ll be ok.

JCC

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