The thing about it is you never know what the next year will bring.
12 years ago I was on my computer trying to create an algorithm to figure out the powerball numbers for the coming week. I was sure that was the only path to success because the path I was on seemed to be only downhill.
At 28 years old I was working at Wendy’s, my first job in the fast food industry. I walked to my job each morning because my car had been taken. I’d like to say it was the lowest point I’d been at, but the truth is I’d been lower. I’d come to realize that life doesn’t have a lowest point or even a highest. It’s life and life can be a fickle termagant.
Everyone talks about The Big Break, the moment it all turned around. In truth, for the normal human, there’s not a single turn because life is a crazy road that winds its way until the next day.
I believe in the next day, just like I believe in the next year. Sure I still play powerball, a guy can dream about winning the lottery right? But golden paths were made for dreams and life isn’t a dream.
The ugly thing about social media is that you get to see friends and church members fight over topics and subjects we’ve always ignored because they aren’t important to our friendship and fellowship. Regardless of your political beliefs in a country that allows you the freedom to vote as YOU want to, also practice the freedom of ignoring what YOU disagree with. Don’t allow politics to break US like it sometimes tears this nation. We can still walk in the same direction in life without agreeing on everything.
I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.
It has been 20 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 14 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 11 years since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.
People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.
Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?
Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.