Fear

I’ll admit I have a few fears. I just witnessed one of them this week.

My grandmother passed away from Alzheimer’s disease a bit ago. My best friend’s mother passed away from Louie Body Dementia this past week, a new disease for me to add to my fear list. Louie Body is much like Alzheimer’s, it robs you of any dignity you have earned from your lifespan. It takes you from an adult back down to the status of a child and in the end they either whither away and die or they starve to death.

In the past five years I saw a woman go from my best friend’s mom, a woman my wife vividly remembers because of her openness and kindness when meeting her the first time, to a woman I barely recognized but still deeply felt connected to. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose yourself.

This blog, this place I’ve built for myself here… It is the image of my mind. These diseases that cause you to lose what I hold most precious scare me. What are we without our memories? What is a life if you don’t even remember living it?

You know some people make the statement that they want to be written into a book so they can be remembered forever.

I just want to remember myself and all I love till my last breath. That’s all I ask really, to be able to have that last blink and hopefully slide out one last thought that maybe it was worth it after all.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

Tummy

For some of us our dinner doesn’t always end when we are done eating.

In fact, some of us that suffer from crohn’s and IBS get to watch others eat while we sweat our regret out at our mistake…

We ate Korean last night. As those that read this blog know, I’m Korean, so that really isn’t a big deal.

What was a big deal was when we accidentally ordered the spicy bulgogi cooked in red pepper paste. That’s when the magic began.

I normally sweat when I simply watch other people eating spicy and hot foods. About half a prayer after I ate my first bite, I was done. My stomach tightened like someone had punched me and it instantly felt like a small fiery coal was in my left side. It was wonderful.

I got to literally drip the cups of water I was drinking from my forehead as my family ate and I watched.

Next time you see someone skinny don’t always assume they are in shape or have a balanced diet. I am not in shape, I eat like shit, and I’m skinny as hell. Yes I’ve heard the “wait till it catches up to you!”

That just isn’t the case here. Nothing is gonna catch up to me because nothing stays in me. I know that because I’m writing this post from the toilet…

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

Daily Denver

I got some new kicks today. I’ve been running in some very Basic running shoes till now. These feel like I am walking on air!

I know I have said I hate running. I once loved it, but something about having a TI yelling at you to run faster just ruins it all! Especially when it is hot as balls in San Antonio and you hate life every foot you jog.

I feel like I’m being chased at work so I thought I’d give running a try again and have been at it for a couple months now. It is actually helping a lot! Now when I don’t run I get angry.

What a balance…

-OM

@smokendust