One more year I guess

I created this blog January 3rd, 2013.

Today I got billed again, I guess I’ll keep going another year since it auto charged me.

My dream last night was horrible and frustrating… my wife left me and my kids were gone and I couldn’t find them. This dream was particularly painful because for some reason I was in Korea and she suddenly disappeared with my Gracie. I’m not sure where Anna was.

My focus though was suddenly on searching for an address on my phone. All I could do was keep trying, but the search function kept not working.

I tried over and over.

It was the address for my birth mom in Busan.

I was so focused on that, I couldn’t run to my wife and kid each time I saw them. It was like I was trapped between two wants.

What’s particularly sad is – I’ve given up looking for my birth mom and sister and have tried to move on.

I don’t even want to see them anymore, but I’d die if I lost my wife and kids. So this dream was particularly fucked up.



Writing my dreams

I read an article and it said to write my dreams and nightmares out to resolve them.

Tonight’s dreams.

Harvey from Suits is my father suddenly.

Me and some guys are trying to find someone. One of the guys gives the bad guy some drink which he mixed in some disgusting lard. The bad guy is throwing up and I wake up trying to throw up.

( I fall back asleep)

Back in the dream and I’m trying to escape Harvey’s house now. Then I’m on FaceTime and my daughter is on, but she doesn’t want to talk to me because I’m not there. I’m crying and feel the sadness of not seeing her for a long time.

(I wake up for seconds)

I run out a house in my dream and I’m searching for someone to give me a thousand dollars for some reason. The person doesn’t want to, but then I somehow hear Harvey tell her to just give it to me (like I’m watching a TV show suddenly) and she screams “what, you couldn’t wait for your fucking money? Here! Take it!”

Then the goblins from Lord of the Rings show up and try to eat me over a fire pit.

(I wake up trying to scream)

I don’t know if you’d call that a nightmare or too much TV. I have horrible dreams now and I’m waking up constantly. The worst ones are now when I go back to sleep and fall back into my dream. I may go see a doc soon, but I won’t take sleep pills again due to my past attempts and they lock me in my dreams and I can’t escape.

But I need to find some relief.



Doesn’t take a genius

It doesn’t take a genius to decipher some of these dreams. I see them clearly here with no meds.

There’s the dream of a shadow of a man standing in front of my bed.

My earliest childhood memories are good ones from being adopted. I don’t remember my life before then, but when I see my orphanage photos I feel a pain that must be connected to a memory for me to feel it so strongly. I’m close to crying in every photo and I look unhappy. I can tell the kid is upset and I try not to wonder why.

My night terror is this shadow and I’ve been afraid to explore it too much. To what avail? It’s not like someone is going to suddenly pop up and reveal my past to me.

We’ve tried that. It doesn’t take a PHD for me to infer what I see.

I am always running in my dreams.

I normally cannot run fast enough or something causes me not to be able to get away. It will be the most innocuous thing to, like the other night I was suddenly driving on ice and the person chasing me was able to ram his car into me. I’ve even had dreams where I’m having to run backwards for some insane reason and the amount of frustration from those nightmares cannot be explained.

It doesn’t take a genius, but sometimes it takes an idiot to open Pandora’s box.

Do we really want to go down that road Cushman?