Set

I’ve seen a setting sun.

A sun so bright, I want to run.

Because no one chases the moon.

It always leaves too soon.

I’ve accepted what cannot be met.

A passing feeling of Summer sweat.

That gentle breeze that comes from spring.

A feeling of birth after winter leaves.

It seems to be a circle, full circle.

A motion to release my pent up emotion.

And yet I shed a tear for what is lost.

I cannot place it, like a summer’s frost.

It’s a feeling that’s not meant to be.

A feeling I cannot lose inside of me.

But to truly move past myself.

I must confess I’ve lost myself.

-OM

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Doesn’t take a genius

It doesn’t take a genius to decipher some of these dreams. I see them clearly here with no meds.

There’s the dream of a shadow of a man standing in front of my bed.

My earliest childhood memories are good ones from being adopted. I don’t remember my life before then, but when I see my orphanage photos I feel a pain that must be connected to a memory for me to feel it so strongly. I’m close to crying in every photo and I look unhappy. I can tell the kid is upset and I try not to wonder why.

My night terror is this shadow and I’ve been afraid to explore it too much. To what avail? It’s not like someone is going to suddenly pop up and reveal my past to me.

We’ve tried that. It doesn’t take a PHD for me to infer what I see.

I am always running in my dreams.

I normally cannot run fast enough or something causes me not to be able to get away. It will be the most innocuous thing to, like the other night I was suddenly driving on ice and the person chasing me was able to ram his car into me. I’ve even had dreams where I’m having to run backwards for some insane reason and the amount of frustration from those nightmares cannot be explained.

It doesn’t take a genius, but sometimes it takes an idiot to open Pandora’s box.

Do we really want to go down that road Cushman?

-OM

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Desert

There comes a time when you must seek your desert. A place where only the sun exists and you can begin to dry away the tears that sit around you like water in a drip pan. You find yourself face to face with the nightmares, the dreams you used to know… they know you.

With each night you peal back the pain like an onion until you wonder why you don’t cry anymore.

They call it healing.

They say give it time.

I contemplate these things as I drink scotch and wine and try to dine the unhappiness away. It is an unhappiness that sits in the sight of depression and no amount of happiness can dispel it.

It is life.

-OM

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Depression Settles at the Bottom

I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 20 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 14 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 11 years since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

Jason C. Cushman

-Opinionated Man

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Open me

Open me, come open me. Open up my heart.

Remind me where we came from by showing me the start.

Sing to me, you sing to me. I hear you in my soul.

Let you overwhelm me with a feeling of being full.

Feel me how you feel me. I can feel you too.

I can feel as we feel past all we ever knew.

Open me, I open up. An open heart for you.

Forever is our ever as only known by few.

Jason Cushman

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Not alone

Nothing is brighter than a failing star.

One day there, the next day gone.

Morning light swallowed by the night.

Evening light never sees the morning sight.

But even a falling star is not alone.

See us all? How we all fall?

Impossible to see past our own self.

We are never alone, there is always help.

J.C.C.

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If you have suicidal thoughts please reach out for help.