Pain Management

I manage pain by managing where I feel the pain. It is not a matter of if when it comes to the struggle. It is simply a matter of when we will struggle with the struggle. There is no winning in this contest of will because it is our will against us. It is ourselves that we fight.

I drink a drink until there is nothing left of me. Until the anger has died and the pain has retreated for another day. It never leaves, it never flees. It simply decides to be somewhere else for the moment and I appreciate that moment as long as it lasts. As long as it lets me.

I have never been a cutter, but I have loved to bleed. I have romanced the rush of feelings that come as swiftly as only pain can. As only man-made pain can make you feel. Bleeding regret until there is only bliss, I have felt that need inside of me. You never see as clearly as you do when you are in pain. The clarity is so bright it makes your eyes die to reality and all you feel is the fantasy you have created. I love it.

You manage your happiness while I manage my pain. You manage your smiles while I find ways to smile. We learn to live within ourselves because we are the only lives we get.

So I move the pain around and make room for living.

Another day to breath, another day to feel… another day to feel the pain inside of me.

-OM

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Depression Settles at the Bottom

I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

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Noise

So much noise surrounds me.

I look up to a world of chatter. Of flashing screens and enticing things. Questions bombard me until I am a question mark. Demands and needs of others shower me, but it is not my desire to feel the rain. I do not disdain the world, but I fold inside to turn off the outside.

I look down.

I look upon my world, the world to me. On a plate just the right size, no more than I can handle. I bite off the pieces I care about, as I choose to care about them. The world is mine, I am not the world’s. I keep it as simple as controlling what I see. What I view and what I care about. I control me.

-Opinionated Man

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@smokendust


I write a single thought before it is forgotten. Before it becomes another afterthought.

Domain

I can reach past my domain. And find an open vein. Somewhere to hear my heart beat. And release a little bit of me.

Can I withstand. Becoming that man, again. To deny what I feel inside. To deny what is before my eyes.

I wake up to resolve. But I fall asleep by dissolving. An unfortunate balance of life. It is my daily strife.

Can I wish upon a star? Any star, just my star. Or have they all been taken from afar?

I make a candle my star.

-OM

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@smokendust

They

They’ll see you as they see you. Or they won’t see you at all. You’ll always be them to them. You’ll never be us.

They say this and that because they believe this or that. Their world becomes more important than your world and they make you want it. They make you want in on being in and they bring the doubt again. Doubt on whether or not you matter. Doubt upon your doubt.

Where do all the people go that have no one to go with. Where does loneliness go for a friend? How much longer must we hear them talk. Why can’t they ever see us speak?

-OM

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@smokendust

Hoping to Die

There was a time in my life when the land was covered in darkness. It did not matter what time of the day it was there was simply no light. I walked the world a ghost and prayed to any god that would listen that he or she would simply end it for me. I wanted to die. I wrote the below poem in remembrance of that time of weakness.

And there they lay. The tools of the day. A razor, a pile of pills, and a bottle of Tanqueray.

I have stared in the mirror for hours. All have gone to bed. With each tear has come resolve. We may as well end it all. I hate you. With a hand I gulp the pills, the bottle is already near. I gulp death’s companion. And to the left are the backup dancers.

A letter to someone… I hope… anyone?

Never there is a reply. I say this aloud now as the razor cuts once, twice, thrice… and as the ice cold water washes away my sight. I feel life fleeing from my nearing empty vessel. And suddenly a wrongness, a surrender of an opportunity? I do not know.

And as the light flees the coming darkness, all I can do is embrace the growing warmth.

People fail to realize that there is depression and there is suicidal. To me suicidal is the point you reach when you just don’t care. You could give a shit less about heaven or hell, they are one and the same because your life has become a living hell. It doesn’t matter how many “do gooders” speak soft words in your direction, you only see darkness.

I remember well that time still to this day. The feeling of that night, sitting online and telling a few “close online friends” that I just didn’t care. That it was time to see what the next page brought. I remember a feeling of finality when I shut down my mother’s computer. My steps were almost light as I walked slowly upstairs. Neither asleep, nor really awake… I walked like a man in a daze to my bathroom. I starred at myself in the mirror for what seems like hours and in those precious minutes I decided I was ready to die. I made that choice. I took those pills and I drank that bottle to the head and I remember smiling. Because finally I didn’t feel so cold anymore. The warmth of death was my friend that night and I was ready to receive him.

It changes you… that type of experience. It is nothing to brag about and many might feel ashamed of that type of weakness. To feel ashamed of being human is a shame in itself. I was human that night, but I am lucky my humanity failed to die.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

@smokendust

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