Tears

I drink warm tears that turn cold inside of me.

I peer deep down inside myself, how many tears do I find there?

Frozen drops of forgotten past, icicles inside this icebox of mine.

I warm it with love and it never loves me back.

This place where my heart is supposed to be.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Depression

I deal with the depressed Mes as they show up. I find smiles between the need to smile and sometimes I wake up to life with a frown. And that’s life I’ve found.

I struggle with the want everyday. Most of the days I fail. Depression comes with the rising sun and the realization that you never won. You just thought you did.

-OM

44.1

Fibro Flare

For those living with pain, but still find the strength to share. We care. -OM
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This Bipolar Brat

I’m in the process of writing a pitch dealing with disclosing mental illness in the workplace as well as working on my professional freelance writing website/my personal writing brand. All in the middle of a bad fibro flare.

Fibro warriors are known to deal with persistent widespread pain every second of every day. A flare is a period of time that this pain is amplified. This sometimes can last hours and sometimes it will last months. The pain varies but today, for me, it is the horrible aching muscles in my shoulders. This is the kind of muscle ache that sends you into a fit of tears while you try to lie or sit in every position possible. I have tried everything that will alleviate this agony. Popping ibuprofen and using an ice pack, I’ve finally been able to ease it for just a bit.

I had finally found…

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I whispered past the need for me. Pushing my words to finally reach a distance close to a finish line, any finish line will do. I draw circles until they form words, at least they are words to me. I find meaning and I write the words I see.

I sometimes wonder what other people think. What is everyone surrounding me wondering about, worried about, what is on their mind? When I walk past a person I wonder if our thoughts collide or if they walk easily by because they are not burdened like me. Often thinking more moves ahead than are needed in life, I walk my chess moves as easily as I read them from my hand. I wonder if others do the same.

How long before my teeth start to fail or fall out.

If all we want is more when is more ever enough. And yet I get it and I love that drive in her. It pushes me to be as great as I can be. I don’t want the world. I want my world.

I’ll never apologize for what others do. I don’t care if they have a penis or not. If I didn’t do the action why am I apologizing for them? Call them out? Sure… where do you want me to stand? But this knee jerk reaction by those not in fault, take from the needed spotlight for those IN fault. Let them fall on their own sword, as it should be. As it should be.

Ever wonder what your kids will see or read of you when you die? What will you leave behind? Will I leave a twinkle in the eye… or a long fucking sighhhhhhhhh…

I don’t know why you’ve been so difficult lately, but it isn’t really lately is it… we’ve been here for awhile. I have so much over here going on that I can no longer allow you to monopolize my thoughts and fears. I’m not going to sit around anymore wondering if you are upset and why. If that means the future plots a few separate paths so be it. So be it.

So the South has a way to neutralize the northern front in case NK starts popping off, but the system that will be used hasn’t been tested yet because it can’t really be tested… but don’t worry! The parachutes will work! They just haven’t been tested yet. Just jump.

I read somewhere that the biggest scandal to the worker was when the concept of a salary was introduced because we devalue ourselves for a whole number. That’s only partially true and we still have to push to make the “hourly” part worth it. I should have pushed for more probably. Oh well.

I got a flu shot last Thursday and now I am sick. So a “free shot” gave me a “free disease” that cost me cold medicine, lots of Kleenex, a night on the couch, and a ton of bad thoughts. I knew I shouldn’t of taken it. Did everyone else have to bend over for theirs?

A handle in four days. That’s not good Jason.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

Heartbeat

Can I stop a heartbeat and make it sing to me.

A fighting felt for the beat, deep inside of me.

I can taste the desire past the fire in my lungs.

I no longer feel tired as feelings leave like a song.

Acceptance comes with a sudden dawn.

Can I accept a day done that has never been won…

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

My mind

I want to welcome you to my mind.

It’s a dark thing, but I’m finding light. It isn’t light through the darkness either. There are just areas where I wasn’t in control.

I have control now, come I’ll show you the rest.

Tons of area to be creative. Tons of space I’ve wasted… time. It does seem to slip away, where does she go…

But we have time now, take my hand. Please.

I’ll show you the areas where light seems to grow.

You’ll like that.

You’ll see the darkness no more.

You’ll believe that…

If you shut yours eyes you’ll see it too. A tour of darkness for me and you.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust