Shine

I saw a shining light.

It shined, it shined, it shined so bright.

I could not stand the sight.

Of darkness folding before this light.

A brightness striking deep within.

Dispelling torrents of rage, amen.

A beauty I did not wish to see.

A reflection of something lost in me.

-OM

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Everything is everything

One day I’ll look back on my life,

And see how the ink has dried.

What roads I’ve chosen to take,

where stars did not collide.

Everything is everything,

or so they want me to think.

Until it all becomes nothing,

through dreams they speak.

-OM

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One more year I guess

I created this blog January 3rd, 2013.

Today I got billed again, I guess I’ll keep going another year since it auto charged me.

My dream last night was horrible and frustrating… my wife left me and my kids were gone and I couldn’t find them. This dream was particularly painful because for some reason I was in Korea and she suddenly disappeared with my Gracie. I’m not sure where Anna was.

My focus though was suddenly on searching for an address on my phone. All I could do was keep trying, but the search function kept not working.

I tried over and over.

It was the address for my birth mom in Busan.

I was so focused on that, I couldn’t run to my wife and kid each time I saw them. It was like I was trapped between two wants.

What’s particularly sad is – I’ve given up looking for my birth mom and sister and have tried to move on.

I don’t even want to see them anymore, but I’d die if I lost my wife and kids. So this dream was particularly fucked up.

Jason

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Chasing happiness

Like a sigh of sweat red wine.

A whispered goodbye that never dies.

I feel it like a tap on my shoulder.

A look back I can’t remember.

Chasing happiness with a pen.

Chasing happiness within.

Not knowing the definition.

Only that there’s a destination.

A point I am supposed to reach.

Something no one can teach.

It all ends in a sigh.

As we chase that which can’t be defined.

-OM

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Set

I’ve seen a setting sun.

A sun so bright, I want to run.

Because no one chases the moon.

It always leaves too soon.

I’ve accepted what cannot be met.

A passing feeling of Summer sweat.

That gentle breeze that comes from spring.

A feeling of birth after winter leaves.

It seems to be a circle, full circle.

A motion to release my pent up emotion.

And yet I shed a tear for what is lost.

I cannot place it, like a summer’s frost.

It’s a feeling that’s not meant to be.

A feeling I cannot lose inside of me.

But to truly move past myself.

I must confess I’ve lost myself.

-OM

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Doesn’t take a genius

It doesn’t take a genius to decipher some of these dreams. I see them clearly here with no meds.

There’s the dream of a shadow of a man standing in front of my bed.

My earliest childhood memories are good ones from being adopted. I don’t remember my life before then, but when I see my orphanage photos I feel a pain that must be connected to a memory for me to feel it so strongly. I’m close to crying in every photo and I look unhappy. I can tell the kid is upset and I try not to wonder why.

My night terror is this shadow and I’ve been afraid to explore it too much. To what avail? It’s not like someone is going to suddenly pop up and reveal my past to me.

We’ve tried that. It doesn’t take a PHD for me to infer what I see.

I am always running in my dreams.

I normally cannot run fast enough or something causes me not to be able to get away. It will be the most innocuous thing to, like the other night I was suddenly driving on ice and the person chasing me was able to ram his car into me. I’ve even had dreams where I’m having to run backwards for some insane reason and the amount of frustration from those nightmares cannot be explained.

It doesn’t take a genius, but sometimes it takes an idiot to open Pandora’s box.

Do we really want to go down that road Cushman?

-OM

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