Depression Settles at the Bottom

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I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

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Week

Monday night.

Sunday’s some day in the future.

I rest upon a Tuesday as we booze our way to Wednesday.

A Friday to ponder upon a forgotten day.

What day was it anyway?

I wish upon a perfect Saturday.

Never ending latter day of hours missed.

Finally a day just to be a day.

What will I do with it?

-OM

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@smokendust

Depression

I see and read the struggle everyday. Our struggles, through the posts, they become a canopy. A hanging remembrance of sadness felt. Overwhelming because it overshadows us, we cannot turn about.

Our path, a shared path, with memory stones. A stone for each soul that thought they were alone. We walk, a shared path, never knowing that we share the way. One way, one path, yet no one else feels this way we say.

I read about a fallen star today. Another star, someone else’s fall, but it feels the same. A stinging pain that stays like a stain. Look down, not up, we’ll be ok.

JCC

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@smokendust

Life

I whispered in the rain and watched as my words collided in pain.

Watched them tumble covered with water…

Am I much better?

A walking sentence searching for a missing word.

*

I whispered alone in the rain with people all around me oblivious to my pain.

The feeling of being so alone amongst a crowd made me feel insane.

I screamed at them without saying a word.

A single sentence in a world of words.

*

I didn’t speak today, I didn’t seem to care.

Didn’t fully wake, didn’t brush my hair.

I walked like I had walked before.

A word being dragged by life once more.

-OM

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@smokendust

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Nothing is brighter than a failing star.

One day there, the next day gone.

Morning light swallowed by the night.

Evening light never sees the morning sight.

But even a falling star is not alone.

See us all? How we all fall?

Impossible to see past our own self.

We are never alone, there is always help.

-Opinionated Man

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@smokendust

Hoping to Die

There was a time in my life when the land was covered in darkness. It did not matter what time of the day it was there was simply no light. I walked the world a ghost and prayed to any god that would listen that he or she would simply end it for me. I wanted to die. I wrote the below poem in remembrance of that time of weakness.

And there they lay. The tools of the day. A razor, a pile of pills, and a bottle of Tanqueray.

I have stared in the mirror for hours. All have gone to bed. With each tear has come resolve. We may as well end it all. I hate you. With a hand I gulp the pills, the bottle is already near. I gulp death’s companion. And to the left are the backup dancers.

A letter to someone… I hope… anyone?

Never there is a reply. I say this aloud now as the razor cuts once, twice, thrice… and as the ice cold water washes away my sight. I feel life fleeing from my nearing empty vessel. And suddenly a wrongness, a surrender of an opportunity? I do not know.

And as the light flees the coming darkness, all I can do is embrace the growing warmth.

People fail to realize that there is depression and there is suicidal. To me suicidal is the point you reach when you just don’t care. You could give a shit less about heaven or hell, they are one and the same because your life has become a living hell. It doesn’t matter how many “do gooders” speak soft words in your direction, you only see darkness.

I remember well that time still to this day. The feeling of that night, sitting online and telling a few “close online friends” that I just didn’t care. That it was time to see what the next page brought. I remember a feeling of finality when I shut down my mother’s computer. My steps were almost light as I walked slowly upstairs. Neither asleep, nor really awake… I walked like a man in a daze to my bathroom. I starred at myself in the mirror for what seems like hours and in those precious minutes I decided I was ready to die. I made that choice. I took those pills and I drank that bottle to the head and I remember smiling. Because finally I didn’t feel so cold anymore. The warmth of death was my friend that night and I was ready to receive him.

It changes you… that type of experience. It is nothing to brag about and many might feel ashamed of that type of weakness. To feel ashamed of being human is a shame in itself. I was human that night, but I am lucky my humanity failed to die.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

@smokendust

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