Crystal ball

I know how I will be injured in the future and it won’t be by stepping on a lego.

Those do hurt though.

No, my next major injury will come from stepping on an earring left on the carpet. I found some today and luckily I pushed my inevitable future out by one day.

… it’s gonna hurt.

I can already feel it.




Daily Colorado

My back hurts and I’m angry because no one showed up to help…

Whatever happened to helping your fellow man snow shovel? You are all getting ugly socks for Christmas.



Things People Say

Jason… did you have muscles once because you have really broad shoulders.

Excuse me waiter, can you show my son how to use chopsticks real quick?

This water is too cold.

Ironically the cost of your carpet cleaning is the same as your rental deposit, so we just kept that.

Jason Cushman… Jason Cushman… where the hell is he? I’ve walked by here three times already…

I can’t process a charge on my terminal. Well… it won’t turn on actually…

This piece of shit cell phone won’t work and it is brand new. When I press the call button and then the PWR button it shuts off!!!

“Why are you pressing the PWR button…?”

Because that’s the Press While Ringing button, duh. Where’s your manager?


I love humans.


I must have this look about me that says I am easily intimidated.

Fuck me…

That’s why I won’t ever go to prison, I wouldn’t survive. I’d walk down that line and all I’d see is dudes with forks and knives out waiting for me.

No thanks…

-Opinionated Man