One more year I guess

I created this blog January 3rd, 2013.

Today I got billed again, I guess I’ll keep going another year since it auto charged me.

My dream last night was horrible and frustrating… my wife left me and my kids were gone and I couldn’t find them. This dream was particularly painful because for some reason I was in Korea and she suddenly disappeared with my Gracie. I’m not sure where Anna was.

My focus though was suddenly on searching for an address on my phone. All I could do was keep trying, but the search function kept not working.

I tried over and over.

It was the address for my birth mom in Busan.

I was so focused on that, I couldn’t run to my wife and kid each time I saw them. It was like I was trapped between two wants.

What’s particularly sad is – I’ve given up looking for my birth mom and sister and have tried to move on.

I don’t even want to see them anymore, but I’d die if I lost my wife and kids. So this dream was particularly fucked up.

Jason

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Chasing happiness

Like a sigh of sweat red wine.

A whispered goodbye that never dies.

I feel it like a tap on my shoulder.

A look back I can’t remember.

Chasing happiness with a pen.

Chasing happiness within.

Not knowing the definition.

Only that there’s a destination.

A point I am supposed to reach.

Something no one can teach.

It all ends in a sigh.

As we chase that which can’t be defined.

-OM

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Set

I’ve seen a setting sun.

A sun so bright, I want to run.

Because no one chases the moon.

It always leaves too soon.

I’ve accepted what cannot be met.

A passing feeling of Summer sweat.

That gentle breeze that comes from spring.

A feeling of birth after winter leaves.

It seems to be a circle, full circle.

A motion to release my pent up emotion.

And yet I shed a tear for what is lost.

I cannot place it, like a summer’s frost.

It’s a feeling that’s not meant to be.

A feeling I cannot lose inside of me.

But to truly move past myself.

I must confess I’ve lost myself.

-OM

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Doesn’t take a genius

It doesn’t take a genius to decipher some of these dreams. I see them clearly here with no meds.

There’s the dream of a shadow of a man standing in front of my bed.

My earliest childhood memories are good ones from being adopted. I don’t remember my life before then, but when I see my orphanage photos I feel a pain that must be connected to a memory for me to feel it so strongly. I’m close to crying in every photo and I look unhappy. I can tell the kid is upset and I try not to wonder why.

My night terror is this shadow and I’ve been afraid to explore it too much. To what avail? It’s not like someone is going to suddenly pop up and reveal my past to me.

We’ve tried that. It doesn’t take a PHD for me to infer what I see.

I am always running in my dreams.

I normally cannot run fast enough or something causes me not to be able to get away. It will be the most innocuous thing to, like the other night I was suddenly driving on ice and the person chasing me was able to ram his car into me. I’ve even had dreams where I’m having to run backwards for some insane reason and the amount of frustration from those nightmares cannot be explained.

It doesn’t take a genius, but sometimes it takes an idiot to open Pandora’s box.

Do we really want to go down that road Cushman?

-OM

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Desert

There comes a time when you must seek your desert. A place where only the sun exists and you can begin to dry away the tears that sit around you like water in a drip pan. You find yourself face to face with the nightmares, the dreams you used to know… they know you.

With each night you peal back the pain like an onion until you wonder why you don’t cry anymore.

They call it healing.

They say give it time.

I contemplate these things as I drink scotch and wine and try to dine the unhappiness away. It is an unhappiness that sits in the sight of depression and no amount of happiness can dispel it.

It is life.

-OM

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Painted Smiles

Painted smiles. Come paint me now.

Evenly painted, spreading trowel.

Painting happiness. Paint me a smile.

A perfect smile to last awhile.

Painting me. Let me paint you.

Let me show you what is seen by few.

Painted perfection. Are we perfect yet?

Painting the outlines others set.

J.C.C.

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