I didn’t come here to make friends

Disclaimer: Multiple usages of the word Fuck, a few Damns, and I may have said Shit once.

I work in the IT world as a director. I run team members from Arizona, to Colorado, to Pune India. The reason I’m good at my job is because I don’t go to work each day with the mindset that I’m going to make a new friend that day. I’m a deadline oriented guy who is driven to meet goals and obligations I’ve set for myself and my team. I actually used that same mindset here on this blog when I built it seven years ago.

I didn’t make any friends yesterday.

We are on this project to remediate servers and currently we are stuck on two boxes for a product team that controls terminal downloads. We were given the task late in the game to in place these boxes to 2012 because they failed to find a way to push them over to new 2016 boxes. It’s a long story, but suffice to say that apparently my name is on the side of the building and it became my job to look after the entire fucking infrastructure of the whole damn world. That’s fine, even though I’m director of Release Management twice and file load Broomfield, if you want me to hold the very fibers of the world together I can do that too. I have two hands.

I asked for a weekday window to do this work. I was denied by product and was told we need to do this over the weekend, particularly Sunday since God isn’t busy that day. Sure boss, it’s your world, and I know my guys can do it so I told product yes. This was all dependent on us getting the development box upgraded and getting sign off yesterday though. I swear I’m going somewhere with this, just stick with me.

So we spend all day working through an issue we hadn’t seen to beat the status call at noon. Over the past year and a half my guys have done over 150 boxes in place and we hadn’t seen an application or software yet treat 2012 any different from the 2008 OS, but the stupid fucking application wouldn’t run its service and we were stuck. So we were knocking at it, one team on the call with the vendor, the other team was working with me trying reinstalls and such.

We hadn’t found a solution by the time I got on the noon call, so I asked for another hour. We still hadn’t found an answer by 1 pm, so I braced myself and got on the call anyways.

The product manager immediately starts digging in that we need to “no go” this weekend release and even named the call “Showstopper.” Keep in mind that I have till the 16th to close this damn project, and if you’re bad at math that doesn’t give me another Sunday window. I pointed this out to him and asked if we could continue to troubleshoot and get Saturday support tomorrow on testing from his product testers.

“Well Jason… there’s only five business days and you guys don’t even have a solution in sight.”

I About Lost It.

Are you fucking kidding me man? Only five business days, well aren’t we lucky that Korean Jesus gave us seven damn days in the week. The seventh day being the one you already wrangled me into forcing my guys to work, so don’t give me this bullshit about business days when we’ve already moved past that window.

I politely told him, in my normal forceful way, that it behooves is all to allow the trained technicians we have to find this solution. It is also only 1 o’clock, let’s give them time. We aren’t calling this yet.

Fucking kidding me, tapping out in the 3rd round when we have 9 to go? I’ll never be a follower of that weak mindset.

10 minutes after the call we found the solution on one site and performed the solution on the following after.

Never say die.

So yea… no new friends this week. Get the fuck outa here with that shit. And I have to work another Sunday.

Fuck me.

-Opinionated Man

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They say bad news sometimes comes on good tides. I sit upon the sand of my mind and hope the waves don’t crash over me. Behind my back is the sound of the happiness I’ve found. I’d like to hear that sound just a bit longer before you take me in, take me back. Something has always told me that life is a fixed deck. From broken hand clasp to cold forgotten streets, somehow I’ve survived this long. If the years I’ve been given were but a memory, I’m happy for that time you gave. I’m not afraid to admit I’m scared. But I’ll spit in the devil’s eye when I see him.

Jason

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Everything is everything

One day I’ll look back on my life,

And see how the ink has dried.

What roads I’ve chosen to take,

where stars did not collide.

Everything is everything,

or so they want me to think.

Until it all becomes nothing,

through dreams they speak.

-OM

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One more year I guess

I created this blog January 3rd, 2013.

Today I got billed again, I guess I’ll keep going another year since it auto charged me.

My dream last night was horrible and frustrating… my wife left me and my kids were gone and I couldn’t find them. This dream was particularly painful because for some reason I was in Korea and she suddenly disappeared with my Gracie. I’m not sure where Anna was.

My focus though was suddenly on searching for an address on my phone. All I could do was keep trying, but the search function kept not working.

I tried over and over.

It was the address for my birth mom in Busan.

I was so focused on that, I couldn’t run to my wife and kid each time I saw them. It was like I was trapped between two wants.

What’s particularly sad is – I’ve given up looking for my birth mom and sister and have tried to move on.

I don’t even want to see them anymore, but I’d die if I lost my wife and kids. So this dream was particularly fucked up.

Jason

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Chasing happiness

Like a sigh of sweat red wine.

A whispered goodbye that never dies.

I feel it like a tap on my shoulder.

A look back I can’t remember.

Chasing happiness with a pen.

Chasing happiness within.

Not knowing the definition.

Only that there’s a destination.

A point I am supposed to reach.

Something no one can teach.

It all ends in a sigh.

As we chase that which can’t be defined.

-OM

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Set

I’ve seen a setting sun.

A sun so bright, I want to run.

Because no one chases the moon.

It always leaves too soon.

I’ve accepted what cannot be met.

A passing feeling of Summer sweat.

That gentle breeze that comes from spring.

A feeling of birth after winter leaves.

It seems to be a circle, full circle.

A motion to release my pent up emotion.

And yet I shed a tear for what is lost.

I cannot place it, like a summer’s frost.

It’s a feeling that’s not meant to be.

A feeling I cannot lose inside of me.

But to truly move past myself.

I must confess I’ve lost myself.

-OM

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