For Men Only – Relationships

Guys at some point if you continue to engage in those things called relationships eventually you’ll run into an awkward situation. This situation is usually bred when you’ve done something dumb and your wife, girlfriend, significant other, lunch date that sleeps over, or whatever decides she wants to be mad at you. She stays mad because that’s what women do, regardless of the fact that you pointed out two cardinals mating in a tree or the trail of dead butterflies beneath your feet.

Eventually you both go to bed because you have to sleep right? And the couch is only 4.3 feet long and you are unfortunately 5’10 so you reluctantly trudge up to the bedroom and wait for the palpable silence that allows you to know shit is about to go down!!!

But shit doesn’t go down…

Instead you watch funny shows without laughing and mutters are the only reply you get. It is like a North Korean torture session.

What do you do to break such a cycle you may ask? I have a few solutions, but use them at your own peril. Only you know whether or not some of these will get you stabbed.

1 – Bring a bag of her favorite chips to bed. Depending on how mad she is should determine if you get a giant ass bag from Costco. Slowly eat the chips and put emphasis on the biting action. Chew slowly. Never offer her one. Let her ask for one and break the silence she has perpetuated!

2 – Fart. This works and I don’t care how old you are. That shit is just funny.

3 – Tell her you might be getting a promotion. When you don’t get the promotion just play it off as corporate politics and have her hate the man with you. Hell she might even feel sorry for you.

4 – Tell her jim died. When jim comments on your blog the next day fall to your knees and praise god for an obvious miracle. You may want to squeeze out a tear or two.

5 – A great time to tell her about the new golf clubs.

6 – If you’ve been hiding a secret pet and it is adorable show it to her! What a great ice breaker! For those of you shaking your head saying “how could anyone hide a pet?” You’d be surprised. You go in every storage closet in your home? Really?

7 – Tickle torture works if she is ticklish. If she isn’t she might knee you in the nuts. Practice protective arm movements for sensitive areas.

8 – Watch her favorite show and pretend you’re interested. But seriously my boy Dean didn’t deserve all that grief on Bachelor in Paradise…

9 – Be overly loving and smoother her. Those glares and elbows are just love! Love the anger out of her!

Be confident and you’ll succeed men. Go Joe!

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

Men Only – My boys

So the boys are settling into their homes. Noah is in the heartbreak hotel on the hill… lucky. I never got a bachelor pad like that.


Snowy and Luke occupy the home at the base of the hill. They keep look out for any bunny rabbits that frequent the area. I asked the boys if they wanted me to buy some turrents that shoot lasers. They declined and said they could handle it.

But when I snuck up on them they turned into some real yellow tailed sissies.


How can you be the gatekeepers and guards if you hide…?

Reminds me of that time we asked Gary to guard the door at our man meeting…

Remember guys?

Anyways. The boys are good.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

For Men Only – Relationships

Men,

When a woman catches you in the middle of a particularly difficult project, maybe the doorknob doesn’t fit the hole you just drilled…

When she gives you that look just give her the thumbs up back 👍. Sure she may be mentally thinking ‘he can shove that thumb up his ass! He better fix that shit!’

At least you’ve communicated.

Now fix that shit…

-OM

Ice

I watched as the ice melted from her heart and she warmed towards loving me again.

Her mood seemed to reflect the surrounding less as our hands met to break the median we had created.

I glanced at her and knew we were back again.

Back to where we were.

We drove in silence and let the moment pass.

A few more miles down the road.

Jason

44.1

My Daily


The day begins with a made bed. That is what my mother taught me.

Yes, that is the body pillow coming between my marriage. His name is Adam apparently! But we have plans for it… we have been plotting about what to do with that intruding, overgrown cushion!

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”

I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

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