Why I Care About the Subscriber Number

Disclaimer: Bad humor and language

Someone asked me once “well what good are all those subscribers?”

Ok, I’ll list them.

1 – I could be dying and need blood. My blog might help me find that rare blood type I probably am, but don’t know for sure because I’m lazy on health and don’t know my own blood type. I believe it is green.

2 – I could be giving away three guinea pigs and need people to adopt them because I am fucking sick and tired of cleaning their fucking cages!!! … but I love you boys, Noah, Snowy, and Luke…


3 – This is a real fear. I could be driving around in bumblefuck New Mexico and some cop pulls me over and arrests me because he thinks I look like an illegal alien he has seen. I don’t memorize phone numbers due to the day and age of cell phones. So there I am young, cute, virgin butthole in prison and I can’t call for help. Gee I wish I had a blog with 50,000 subscribers that might begin to miss me and ask where I am…

To be continued…

-OM

@smokendust

Reasons Why No One Reads Your Blog

1 – Your bio is unbelievable. https://aopinionatedman.com/harsh-reality/ A Korean Jason Cushman? How dumb do we look.

2 – You are too nice.

3 – You blog about religion. I’m just kidding, I like religion.

4 – You are popular. No one wants to visit the popular sites… that just makes us jealous.

5 – You wrote a post about women and included the word “crazy” in it. What were you thinking?

6 – You are a dad blogger and share photos of your kids. We are here to read the work of studs! Not duds…

7 – You think you are writing poetry but no one gets it. (Guilty)

8 – You are always somewhere special. No one is that special… we hope.

9 – Your Blog is the same thing as CNN. CNN.com is less letters to type.

10 – You are somehow in every disaster that ever occurs. That’s just not possible is it?

11 – You create delicious food posts that make my mediocre food taste even more mediocre.

12 – You write too well. Again, it makes us jealous.

13 – Your Blog is pink. I hate pink.

14 – You love everyone. No one loves everyone…

15 – You like the New England Patriots and thereby perpetuate the cycle of cheating ass teams continuously increasing their fan base each year.

16 – You blog on instagram. No one has time to read a photo.

17 – You hate me and told me to stay away.

18 – You had a giveaway, I won, and you never delivered my pony…

19 – You write list posts.

20 – Your blog post was over 40,000 words. That’s called a book and you should be selling it.

21 – I couldn’t find your most recent blog post.

22 – I couldn’t find your blog because you failed to link it to your screen name. I called your name a few times though. Gary… Gary…

23 – You blog about things a month late. I get we are all busy, but current events are called “current” for a reason.

24 – You are a _____.

25 – You didn’t tag right and no one saw your amazing post.

26 – Your name is Opinionated Man and everyone thinks you are annoying.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

60 Ways to Deal with Angry Comments

1 – Answer everyone else but them.

2 – Keep asking them to repeat the question.

3 – Respond only in emojis no matter what. No one is going to sit there and argue with an emoji user…

4 – Threaten to tell your mom.

5 – Don’t respond.

Walk away.

Drink a pint of scotch.

And then come back and deal with this bullshit.

6 – Respond but use google translator to paste it in a different language. Make them work for the reply.

-OM

You don’t need any more.

Have a skittle.

5 Ways Gary “May” Have Flooded My Basement

1 – This isn’t water I am standing in.

2 – I always had the suspicion someone was living down there. I don’t go down into the basement often. It is dark, there are too many stairs, and it is kinda scary.

3 – These are really tears from Gary over Peyton Manning retiring. I understand completely because I’m sad as well.

4 – Somehow he shoved a hose through the window and ran water in from the neighbor’s home. Crafty bastard.

5 – He really clogged the toilet while using it and then disconnected the waterline to make it look like the toilet “just broke.” How do you break a toilet Gary?!?

-OM

I’m over today.

Travel Ban

If I were to ban anything from traveling they would be the following…

1 – Mosquitoes would be restricted from ever flying near me and would never be allowed outside the boundaries of the natural forest where they belong.

2 – Bedbugs. Gross. These would be banned from traveling anywhere, ever.

3 – The Patriots NFL team would be restricted and banned from traveling outside of their state thereby forfeiting every away game and consequently losing every season by default. 🤷‍♂️

4 – Bears are scary and unpredictable. We can’t have bears just walking down our streets, eating from our trash cans and causing havoc. Bears are now banned from walking in any urban area, please send Gary to inform them.

5 – Clowns are no longer allowed to walk outside the circus premises and clown costumes are now forbidden during all holidays including Halloween.

6 – Sharks are no longer allowed near beaches or any area of water that is swimable or able to be commercialized. If Gary survived the bear trip please send him to the next Shark Week to inform them all.

7 – Aliens must give us a 100 year warning before traveling to planet Earth to destroy us. That seems fair.

8 – The Sun isn’t allowed to go anywhere. The moon too.

9 – Anyone that doesn’t know how to use a blinker on a car isn’t allowed to use one. Isn’t that on the test?

10 – I’m working on a travel ban on Snow. Unfortunately it is an elusive bastard that can’t be banned.

-OM

@smokendust

HarsH ReaLiTy 4.0

Angry: When did this website turn into the pansy site?

Goodness: We are trying to be a better person. Posting quality things and not antagonistic garbage.

Angry: … … Who The Fuck Are You??? Who the fuck is this? Where did he come from? Has he always been here?

Happiness: Oh that’s my cousin… I thought I told you guys I was going to invite him over… Doesn’t he just round out our merry little band here? I feel the love. Where is love?

Angry: Holy shit. Two of you. Fuck my life.

Drunk: This is why I drink. And I agree this blog has gone to shit.

Goodness: I brought my guitar!

Happiness: Goodie!!!

Goodness: Who wants to sing?

Angry: Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me…

-OM