For Men Only – Things You Can Eat In Bed While They Are Sleeping

1 – Hot Cheetos (But you have to suck on them instead of crunching down and waking them up. Or you can crunch them and claim it is thunder. That sometimes works).

2 – A Steak and Cheese Sub with provolone (Big But here. You have to use a zip lock bag to cover the sandwich and the smell, unless they have a really good sense of smell. Then you have to light a candle and if they wake up, hide the sandwich and look shocked and hurt that they fell asleep right before you were about to be intimate).

3 – Churros (The problem is that I still can’t figure out how to eat one and not get sugar in the bed. When they find that sugar… your ass is grass…).

4 – You can’t eat kimchi in bed. I’ve tried.

5 – Ice Cream (But keep in mind that if you keep clinking your bowl with your spoon they might reach out in their “sleep” and slap you).

6 – Cotton Candy (If you get caught by anyone in the middle of the night eating cotton candy you lose some cool points if you are a real man. But that shit is addictive and sometimes you gotta have it).

7 – Sausage Toad and beer (It really gives me heartburn though, ugh!).

-OM

@smokendust

7 things not to do if you are falling in the snow or ice

1 – Look to your wife for help. Because apparently she is going to laugh first and then 59 minutes later ask if you are ok.

2 – Hope it isn’t going to hurt this time. It will. Shit always hurts…

3 – Pray to the God of Snow to make it stop. You have time to pray during falling, I’ve done it. The problem is that the God of Snow doesn’t give a fuck about you and is on vacation. He leaves his minions to do his dirty work.

4 – I ran out of reason. My wrist still hurts.

Apparently my New Year’s resolution was to fall a lot.

-OM

@smokendust

New year, new resolutions

1. I’m going to drink more this year. My fight with crohns has really settled out and as long as I don’t eat super spicy or greasy things, I’m ok. I’ll take a double Johnny black 18, give the ice to the birds.

2. I’m going to gain more weight. I’ve weighed 150 pounds since I was 16, I’m now 37, but in recent years my weight has dropped. I eat, maybe not copious amounts of fat, but I eat. It just won’t stay on. And yes, I’ve heard the “give it time, it’s gonna catch up to you one day” lines. But do those people poop like I do? That’s the true question.

3. I hope to get rid of at least two guinea pigs. We currently have 3 that live in two cages. It takes me roughly thirty minutes every week and a half to clean them, then I also have to clip their nails. I’m still not sure how we ended up with three… …

4. Find Snow’s address and negotiate a way where he doesn’t come this year. Yes, I mean snow in general…

5. Get a raise. And not by driving part time for Uber. I’d rather work at McDonald’s and slyly eat free French fries and nuggets all day. I bet that would also help me on my number two goal come to think of it.

6. I need to run more and I got these really cool running shoes to do it in. Here I’ll show you

The problem is that I lost my sweats and it is cold outside. I keep “conveniently” forgetting to buy new ones too. Plus, that would cause me to lose weight and totally defeat two’s purpose. Twos have feelings too you know.

7. Less

-OM

@smokendust

44.1

Seven Reasons Crying Sucks

Everyone always says “look at how beautiful they are with those tears in their eyes.” Crying isn’t beautiful and here’s why.

1 – Crying is painful. Like a stinging pain… anyone that isn’t grimacing in pain from a pooling collection of tears probably has a plastic face. Now, is that still beautiful?

2 – Tears have a close second cousin called snot rocket and they race to the finish line.

3 – When you cry, I cry. Then we are all crying and a room full of people crying is probably the most unpleasant cacophonous sound in the world. Torture some may call it.

4 – You’d never know it, but somehow all my bodily fluids are contained in those tiny little tear drops because I am drained and parched after crying. I hate being thirsty.

5 – Anytime your face twists up into angles it wasn’t meant to go it is never pretty. So you will never look pretty crying. Ever.

6 – Sometimes when you cry you also try to talk and it comes out in stutters and it is really hard to understand. I find that highly annoying. Either cry or talk… cause obviously we can’t do both at once people..

7 – The reasons most people cry are just plain dumb. That makes the crying happening dumb. Those are just dumb tears. Some might say wasted.

I could really go on and on. Don’t get me started on hugging…

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

9 Reasons Why My Readers Disappoint Me

1 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

2 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

3 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

4 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

5 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

6 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

7 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

8 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

9 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

Things People Say

Jason… did you have muscles once because you have really broad shoulders.

Excuse me waiter, can you show my son how to use chopsticks real quick?

This water is too cold.

Ironically the cost of your carpet cleaning is the same as your rental deposit, so we just kept that.

Jason Cushman… Jason Cushman… where the hell is he? I’ve walked by here three times already…

I can’t process a charge on my terminal. Well… it won’t turn on actually…

This piece of shit cell phone won’t work and it is brand new. When I press the call button and then the PWR button it shuts off!!!

“Why are you pressing the PWR button…?”

Because that’s the Press While Ringing button, duh. Where’s your manager?

-OM

I love humans.