7 things not to do if you are falling in the snow or ice

1 – Look to your wife for help. Because apparently she is going to laugh first and then 59 minutes later ask if you are ok.

2 – Hope it isn’t going to hurt this time. It will. Shit always hurts…

3 – Pray to the God of Snow to make it stop. You have time to pray during falling, I’ve done it. The problem is that the God of Snow doesn’t give a fuck about you and is on vacation. He leaves his minions to do his dirty work.

4 – I ran out of reason. My wrist still hurts.

Apparently my New Year’s resolution was to fall a lot.

-OM

@smokendust

New year, new resolutions

1. I’m going to drink more this year. My fight with crohns has really settled out and as long as I don’t eat super spicy or greasy things, I’m ok. I’ll take a double Johnny black 18, give the ice to the birds.

2. I’m going to gain more weight. I’ve weighed 150 pounds since I was 16, I’m now 37, but in recent years my weight has dropped. I eat, maybe not copious amounts of fat, but I eat. It just won’t stay on. And yes, I’ve heard the “give it time, it’s gonna catch up to you one day” lines. But do those people poop like I do? That’s the true question.

3. I hope to get rid of at least two guinea pigs. We currently have 3 that live in two cages. It takes me roughly thirty minutes every week and a half to clean them, then I also have to clip their nails. I’m still not sure how we ended up with three… …

4. Find Snow’s address and negotiate a way where he doesn’t come this year. Yes, I mean snow in general…

5. Get a raise. And not by driving part time for Uber. I’d rather work at McDonald’s and slyly eat free French fries and nuggets all day. I bet that would also help me on my number two goal come to think of it.

6. I need to run more and I got these really cool running shoes to do it in. Here I’ll show you

The problem is that I lost my sweats and it is cold outside. I keep “conveniently” forgetting to buy new ones too. Plus, that would cause me to lose weight and totally defeat two’s purpose. Twos have feelings too you know.

7. Less

-OM

@smokendust

44.1

Seven Reasons Crying Sucks

Everyone always says “look at how beautiful they are with those tears in their eyes.” Crying isn’t beautiful and here’s why.

1 – Crying is painful. Like a stinging pain… anyone that isn’t grimacing in pain from a pooling collection of tears probably has a plastic face. Now, is that still beautiful?

2 – Tears have a close second cousin called snot rocket and they race to the finish line.

3 – When you cry, I cry. Then we are all crying and a room full of people crying is probably the most unpleasant cacophonous sound in the world. Torture some may call it.

4 – You’d never know it, but somehow all my bodily fluids are contained in those tiny little tear drops because I am drained and parched after crying. I hate being thirsty.

5 – Anytime your face twists up into angles it wasn’t meant to go it is never pretty. So you will never look pretty crying. Ever.

6 – Sometimes when you cry you also try to talk and it comes out in stutters and it is really hard to understand. I find that highly annoying. Either cry or talk… cause obviously we can’t do both at once people..

7 – The reasons most people cry are just plain dumb. That makes the crying happening dumb. Those are just dumb tears. Some might say wasted.

I could really go on and on. Don’t get me started on hugging…

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

9 Reasons Why My Readers Disappoint Me

1 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

2 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

3 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

4 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

5 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

6 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

7 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

8 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

9 – I asked everyone to bring a shovel to clear snow and no one came.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

Things People Say

Jason… did you have muscles once because you have really broad shoulders.

Excuse me waiter, can you show my son how to use chopsticks real quick?

This water is too cold.

Ironically the cost of your carpet cleaning is the same as your rental deposit, so we just kept that.

Jason Cushman… Jason Cushman… where the hell is he? I’ve walked by here three times already…

I can’t process a charge on my terminal. Well… it won’t turn on actually…

This piece of shit cell phone won’t work and it is brand new. When I press the call button and then the PWR button it shuts off!!!

“Why are you pressing the PWR button…?”

Because that’s the Press While Ringing button, duh. Where’s your manager?

-OM

I love humans.

Reasons Why People Follow You and Your Blog

1 – They are waiting for you to fail. Failure is so entertaining and even more so when the failee journalizes it for us! Fail away!

2 – You have a cute animal. Because animals are cute… until it dies. After the grieving period we don’t need your blog unless you get another one.

3 – You make awesome food and tempt us with photos of it! But then we go on a diet and we block your blog because you are just a visual temptation and we don’t need that.

4 – You are cute. But then your significant other sees your blog on your tablet or iPhone and asks, “who’s that honey?!?” You can only say “I dunno, some tennis player” so many times.

5 – You are funny. But then people get sad and your humor begins to irritate the fuck out of us. Fuck your happiness.

6 – You post a lot! That’s fun until it isn’t.

7 – You write amazing poetry! Beautiful lines that eat at our soul. But then something happened and you began to write in a coded language only you understand. That’s cool and all, but if I want to learn a coded language I’ll go become an elf.

8 – You pray! A ton! I’ll visit your blog on Sunday…

9 – I love your artwork and I find inspiration in your strokes.

10 – You tricked everyone into thinking you are running an official WordPress function by placing their name in your title.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust