Travel Ban

If I were to ban anything from traveling they would be the following…

1 – Mosquitoes would be restricted from ever flying near me and would never be allowed outside the boundaries of the natural forest where they belong.

2 – Bedbugs. Gross. These would be banned from traveling anywhere, ever.

3 – The Patriots NFL team would be restricted and banned from traveling outside of their state thereby forfeiting every away game and consequently losing every season by default. 🤷‍♂️

4 – Bears are scary and unpredictable. We can’t have bears just walking down our streets, eating from our trash cans and causing havoc. Bears are now banned from walking in any urban area, please send Gary to inform them.

5 – Clowns are no longer allowed to walk outside the circus premises and clown costumes are now forbidden during all holidays including Halloween.

6 – Sharks are no longer allowed near beaches or any area of water that is swimable or able to be commercialized. If Gary survived the bear trip please send him to the next Shark Week to inform them all.

7 – Aliens must give us a 100 year warning before traveling to planet Earth to destroy us. That seems fair.

8 – The Sun isn’t allowed to go anywhere. The moon too.

9 – Anyone that doesn’t know how to use a blinker on a car isn’t allowed to use one. Isn’t that on the test?

10 – I’m working on a travel ban on Snow. Unfortunately it is an elusive bastard that can’t be banned.



HarsH ReaLiTy 4.0

Angry: When did this website turn into the pansy site?

Goodness: We are trying to be a better person. Posting quality things and not antagonistic garbage.

Angry: … … Who The Fuck Are You??? Who the fuck is this? Where did he come from? Has he always been here?

Happiness: Oh that’s my cousin… I thought I told you guys I was going to invite him over… Doesn’t he just round out our merry little band here? I feel the love. Where is love?

Angry: Holy shit. Two of you. Fuck my life.

Drunk: This is why I drink. And I agree this blog has gone to shit.

Goodness: I brought my guitar!

Happiness: Goodie!!!

Goodness: Who wants to sing?

Angry: Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me…


Things You Don’t Want to Hear at Work


2 – “First, I want you to know how much we appreciate you and the work you do here.”

3 – “We are closing the downstairs vending machine until further notice.”

4 – About your life. Unless I ask. I won’t ask.

5 – Mandatory

6 – Buyout or Bought or “We just got bought! Ahhhhh!!!”

7 – Triple beep card rejection. This can mean many things depending on where you work. We forgot to renew your smartcard or… I’ve known some companies that let you know you are terminated by simply not letting you in the building that morning.

8 – “Who knows what an ice breaker is?”

9 – If you have a really annoying laugh and everyone can hear you… don’t laugh. Just save your laughter for your car ride home and the whole ride laugh to yourself to get it out. If you can’t figure out if you have an annoying laugh ask a few strangers for an honest opinion. Don’t ask friends. Your friends probably have annoying laughs as well…



Things I’ll do IF I win the Powerball

1 – Build a few churches and hire some people to pray for me daily. Maybe even give myself a position?

2 – Feed all the kids and unfeed all the adults.

3 – Create my own Powerball where people give me money and someone supposedly wins weekly.

4 – Change my name to Chang and disappear.

5 – I’ll be the asshole with the exotic pets I never take care of myself (because that’s how your ass gets eaten). Maybe a liger or two.

6 – Buy a television station (so I can’t get fired), host a show where I pay people to clap for me constantly because that has to be great for your self esteem, and prepare an army of lawyers.

7 – Don’t do number 6 and instead buy an island away from everyone I don’t care about.

8 – Taste every single scotch in the world.

9 – Visit all the famous places I want to see before someone blows it up or ruins it.

10 – There are many daily activities I find tedious, but brushing my teeth is top on that list. I’d hire someone to brush my teeth for me, like a personal dentist. Do we really have to do it three times a day though…


Things I Don’t Get

1 – Why do people have to make a big deal about everything? So your kid somehow swallowed a Star Wars Lightsaber and now you think Star Wars is evil and should apologize to the world? That actually leads me into number two…

2 – Why is everyone apologizing for stuff all the time? I hope I never become famous or wealthy where people might sue me for random reasons. I’d be apologizing through my publicist everyday.

3 – Why do people write posts on Facebook that call out half their friend list? “To my Liberal Friends _____” You might as well unfriend those people, get it over with, and then you can change your post to “Those pieces of shit liberal fuckers think _____.”

4 – I blame Rambo, Rocky, Karate Kid, Aliens, and Back to the Future for the fact that Hollywood refuses to make anything new anymore. Instead they make remakes, additions, prequels, and prequels to the additions of the remakes…

5 – Stop making singing shows so personal. I get it, the audience loves to be drawn in. It is so annoying though and everyone has a sob story. “My brother… he used to eat my cupcakes as a kid and I never got any. I just want to win this competition so I can eat cupcakes.”

6 – Why is the McRib sandwich not offered all the time? And what happened to supersizing my fries?

7 – I think it should be illegal for commercials to show food that isn’t exactly like the food I’ll get when I get there. Because I’m coming and it better be amazing.

8 – People that have parties on a Saturday and don’t provide alcohol are unkind people. That just sucks.

9 – People that write lists are incredibly bored people.

10 – I hate when people act uppity just because they work at a store. I mean… you work there… that isn’t your fucking name on the building! Come the fuck back down to earth!

11 – I hate when people say “we,” but they really mean you. I know you are talking about me Gary.

12 – I don’t know why people expect me to kill spiders. And snakes? You better call someone for snakes… I don’t do encounters with venomous, angry creatures. That is why I don’t camp.

13 – Why am I working on a Sunday… I’m so bored!!! …



10 Things I Don’t Do

1 – I won’t ride on a motorcycle behind you Gary. That just ain’t me…

2 – When people yell “who wants to be a hero?” I don’t raise my hand. Don’t heroes die? I’m good in the audience.

3 – I don’t share food. I don’t understand why people think I’m joking. I’ll buy you food. I won’t share MY food. I mean… this better be some pretty crazy shit going on for me to half my burger.

4 – I don’t camp. I’m 35 and I will never sleep on the ground again unless a world war breaks out, zombies spring up and take over, or those asshole aliens from nebulous finally arrive. I don’t do the ground or nature. I’ve been an orphan before and honestly, nature hates us. They even attack the advocates! What more proof do you really need?

5 – “You’ll be the first to ____.” Nope! Better sign Gary. Fuck that, how dumb do I look?

6 – So we are going to run with the bulls! Um… excuse me? Have you ever YouTubed that running with the bulls shit? Hell no. Hell no. I’d rather run from the cops.

7 – Ok this one is a serious one. If you don’t wash your hands in the bathroom I don’t share food with you. I don’t care what god we are honoring or who we are breaking bread for… wash your hands! That’s fucking gross.

8 – I ran out of things because I wrote the title before the post. Man… fuck you title.

9 – I reread this and realized how many people will probably unsubscribe because of it. But it is fuck it Wednesday so…

10 – We need a 10 or someone will sue for false advertising. Gary. So 10 is that I want to leave a shout out. I miss you bacon.




Drank the margarita and feeling great. Errrr no one will read this…