10 Things I Don’t Do

1 – I won’t ride on a motorcycle behind you Gary. That just ain’t me…

2 – When people yell “who wants to be a hero?” I don’t raise my hand. Don’t heroes die? I’m good in the audience.

3 – I don’t share food. I don’t understand why people think I’m joking. I’ll buy you food. I won’t share MY food. I mean… this better be some pretty crazy shit going on for me to half my burger.

4 – I don’t camp. I’m 35 and I will never sleep on the ground again unless a world war breaks out, zombies spring up and take over, or those asshole aliens from nebulous finally arrive. I don’t do the ground or nature. I’ve been an orphan before and honestly, nature hates us. They even attack the advocates! What more proof do you really need?

5 – “You’ll be the first to ____.” Nope! Better sign Gary. Fuck that, how dumb do I look?

6 – So we are going to run with the bulls! Um… excuse me? Have you ever YouTubed that running with the bulls shit? Hell no. Hell no. I’d rather run from the cops.

7 – Ok this one is a serious one. If you don’t wash your hands in the bathroom I don’t share food with you. I don’t care what god we are honoring or who we are breaking bread for… wash your hands! That’s fucking gross.

8 – I ran out of things because I wrote the title before the post. Man… fuck you title.

9 – I reread this and realized how many people will probably unsubscribe because of it. But it is fuck it Wednesday so…

10 – We need a 10 or someone will sue for false advertising. Gary. So 10 is that I want to leave a shout out. I miss you bacon.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust


Drank the margarita and feeling great. Errrr no one will read this…

Reasons Why I Am Being Punished

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished and I came up with a list of reasons why that might be happening.

I didn’t have wifi on the plane and I get bored.

1 – I did take that Golden Fleece.

2 – This whole time Gary has been Mark Zuckerburg and the joke is on me.

3 – Maybe before the orphanage I was really a prince and all my blessings have been spent.

4 – That wasn’t a deer I hit that day. It was a unicorn and I’m basically fucked.

5 – I’ll come up with more later.

-OM

Jason

44.1

@smokendust

10 Things Not to Say to an Asian

  1. -Do your parents speak English? No, they kind of wave their arms around and point at things while grunting.
  2. So do you like eat rice every day? So do you like eat fat every day?
  3. When did you come to this country? How do you know I wasn’t born here?
  4. Do you eat Asian food? While assuming we eat every type of Asian food you can think of IS annoying… also asking us obvious questions such as this one is pretty lame as well.
  5. Is that your dad? (points at random Asian man) No, is that your dad? (points at the first person he sees… man or woman.)
  6. Do you celebrate Chinese New Year’s? Do I look Chinese? Wait… don’t answer that. I SAID DON’T ANSWER THAT!
  7. Could you suggest a good Asian restaurant to go to? Sure, try The Drunken Chinese Chopstick Eating Dragon Wonton. I hear it is excellent!
  8. Go back to your country! If I did that who would do your math homework?
  9. What is the easiest Asian language to take for college credit… I just want to pass! Chinese is so easy and takes little effort. Go and be a star!
  10. Can you show me real quick how to use these chopsticks? How about I show you how to use a fork instead… deal?

-OM

IMG_1416

Things that annoy me

When people ask to show you a “short video” on YouTube or Facebook and it ends up being thirty minutes long. I don’t have time for this shit! That’s a television show!

When people plagiarize from my blogger friends. Like this http://swetacyborg.blogspot.ca/2015/11/yes-i-am-racist.html?google_comment_id=z12ty5pinnrkdnh2u222jrxyokyvzrmw504&m=1 which was stolen from a blogger here https://skinnyandsingle.ca/2015/11/09/yes-im-racist/

When you are out of the one thing you claim to serve. It says Pete’s Tacos and you don’t got no Tacos? Did they run away?

When people without kids tell me how exhausted they are. I get it and used to be the same way. Just know some Mom of three kids is muttering under their breath, “shut the fuck up I haven’t slept in ten years.”

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

Survey

Who do you love? Peyton Manning

Who do you hate? Tom Baby

What is your favorite color? The color of sadness.

What is your favorite food? Bacon and pizza. And scotch. You can mix them all together into one dish for me.

What country do you want to visit? Skyrim

What do you want to be when you grow up? A kid.

What is your favorite piece of writing? The poem I wrote in the ninth grade that got me that number.

What is your favorite holiday? Humiliation Day

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow what would you do today? The stuff I was supposed to do tomorrow? …duh

What is your favorite thing about blogging? Getting random penis enlargement spam messages.

What is your favorite movie? Newsies

What is something about you that no one on your blog knows? I have a double jointed left pinky that enables me to type 6 wpm faster.

Do you have a special power? I can make a noise occur between my ears and I’m certain it does something fucking amazing. I still haven’t figured out how it works yet though… I’m confident I’m making progress.

What is your least favorite thing to do? That’s a tie between the dentist and cleaning toilets. I really hate toilets and dentists are actually out of work torturists…

If you could do one thing as President what would it be? Create a large glass parking lot in North Korea around Kim’s fat ass. Evil is so hard to kill. Better make it two glass parking lots.

What do you want right now? A large bowl of dolsot bibimbap!!!!!

I made these up because I was bored.

-OM

Blogging

“If you have 55,000 followers why do you only have a hundred likes per post?”

Because I started finger painting and people hate it. Stop shaming me!

Because I joked about being a woman, then being a man again, and now people are confused. Relax everyone… I still have balls.

Because I ran out of money for the very last SEO class that would have taught me how to retain my readers! I knew I shouldn’t of ditched that one! 😫

Because my subscriber number is really a jpeg image?

I started writing poetry. People hate it.

All 54,900 of my readers died this year.

Everyone is apparently writing books now and I’m still blogging!

Someone started a rumor that I died and now everyone thinks I’m Gary. Damn you Gary!

Maybe all I wanted was 💯 likes! Ever think of that???

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust