Things I’m Thankful For

1 – Squeeze tube sour cream! I’m just impressed someone out there is still being innovative and looking for ways to improve our lives. I don’t buy those tubes anymore because the one time I did I squeezed it too hard and cream got everywhere. Then I had to use a spoon to scrape off half of it thereby defeating the purpose of the tube…

2 – All of you! Well… some of you…

3 – WordPress – because without it I’d have no place to complain. Actually that’s a lie. I complain all the time in real life.

4 – The jackwagon the other day driving like a lame duck in the left lane and that then tailed me while aggressively showing me the middle finger because I passed you on the right in a turn lane. I’m thankful your middle finger works you old cow.

5 – Taxes and the pot hole I ran over yesterday. But you keep taking your large cut government, I’m sure it is going somewhere. You old cows.

-Opinionated Man


Random Fun Ideas

1 – Beating people at games is always fun. Going to Gamestop or Target and beating all the kids on the free game consoles is just rewarding.

2 – See how long they keep the Chinese buffet “all you can eat” for you.

3 – Give your significant other gifts that you really want. That’s always fun.

4 – For Halloween next year do like I did and hand out math worksheets instead. Fun! Only had ten doorbell rings that night. I wonder if the word got out on the street.

5 – Take a snow day in June. If you live in Denver it may work!

6 – Tell your boss you just reached a level 53 knighthood and deserve a raise. Now!

7 – Play catch with your Peyton Manning fathead. Yes, I do.



Why I Care About the Subscriber Number

Disclaimer: Bad humor and language

Someone asked me once “well what good are all those subscribers?”

Ok, I’ll list them.

1 – I could be dying and need blood. My blog might help me find that rare blood type I probably am, but don’t know for sure because I’m lazy on health and don’t know my own blood type. I believe it is green.

2 – I could be giving away three guinea pigs and need people to adopt them because I am fucking sick and tired of cleaning their fucking cages!!! … but I love you boys, Noah, Snowy, and Luke…

3 – This is a real fear. I could be driving around in bumblefuck New Mexico and some cop pulls me over and arrests me because he thinks I look like an illegal alien he has seen. I don’t memorize phone numbers due to the day and age of cell phones. So there I am young, cute, virgin butthole in prison and I can’t call for help. Gee I wish I had a blog with 50,000 subscribers that might begin to miss me and ask where I am…

To be continued…



Reasons Why No One Reads Your Blog

1 – Your bio is unbelievable. A Korean Jason Cushman? How dumb do we look.

2 – You are too nice.

3 – You blog about religion. I’m just kidding, I like religion.

4 – You are popular. No one wants to visit the popular sites… that just makes us jealous.

5 – You wrote a post about women and included the word “crazy” in it. What were you thinking?

6 – You are a dad blogger and share photos of your kids. We are here to read the work of studs! Not duds…

7 – You think you are writing poetry but no one gets it. (Guilty)

8 – You are always somewhere special. No one is that special… we hope.

9 – Your Blog is the same thing as CNN. is less letters to type.

10 – You are somehow in every disaster that ever occurs. That’s just not possible is it?

11 – You create delicious food posts that make my mediocre food taste even more mediocre.

12 – You write too well. Again, it makes us jealous.

13 – Your Blog is pink. I hate pink.

14 – You love everyone. No one loves everyone…

15 – You like the New England Patriots and thereby perpetuate the cycle of cheating ass teams continuously increasing their fan base each year.

16 – You blog on instagram. No one has time to read a photo.

17 – You hate me and told me to stay away.

18 – You had a giveaway, I won, and you never delivered my pony…

19 – You write list posts.

20 – Your blog post was over 40,000 words. That’s called a book and you should be selling it.

21 – I couldn’t find your most recent blog post.

22 – I couldn’t find your blog because you failed to link it to your screen name. I called your name a few times though. Gary… Gary…

23 – You blog about things a month late. I get we are all busy, but current events are called “current” for a reason.

24 – You are a _____.

25 – You didn’t tag right and no one saw your amazing post.

26 – Your name is Opinionated Man and everyone thinks you are annoying.

-Opinionated Man


60 Ways to Deal with Angry Comments

1 – Answer everyone else but them.

2 – Keep asking them to repeat the question.

3 – Respond only in emojis no matter what. No one is going to sit there and argue with an emoji user…

4 – Threaten to tell your mom.

5 – Don’t respond.

Walk away.

Drink a pint of scotch.

And then come back and deal with this bullshit.

6 – Respond but use google translator to paste it in a different language. Make them work for the reply.


You don’t need any more.

Have a skittle.

5 Ways Gary “May” Have Flooded My Basement

1 – This isn’t water I am standing in.

2 – I always had the suspicion someone was living down there. I don’t go down into the basement often. It is dark, there are too many stairs, and it is kinda scary.

3 – These are really tears from Gary over Peyton Manning retiring. I understand completely because I’m sad as well.

4 – Somehow he shoved a hose through the window and ran water in from the neighbor’s home. Crafty bastard.

5 – He really clogged the toilet while using it and then disconnected the waterline to make it look like the toilet “just broke.” How do you break a toilet Gary?!?


I’m over today.