Color me by number. Categorizing how I feel.

Shade in my personality with your interpretation of what I mean. Italics by a frown. Question marks by my smiles.

Color me in until I am free. Until there are no more numbers in me.

-Opinionated Man



Depression Settles at the Bottom


I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman



Blogger Breakups

You never think about breaking up when it comes to blogging, but it happens. I recall a time when I had a blogger buddy, let’s call him Gary for fun, and he was a Dad blogger. Super pro dad this and that and men and go male go!

I, kind of like an idiot but it is too late now, decided on the pen name Opinionated Man and therefore instantly attracted these super male types. I’ve shared though that I’m a father of two girls and more importantly, I have some personal morales that keep me from doing what some people do and think. I have my own opinions.

I’m not sure what the argument was about the final day. It could have been over Peyton Manning for all I know because I’ve been in real arguments over Peyton Manning and I don’t take that topic lightly. So if the bastard slandered Peyton then we probably did fight, but now that I’m thinking about it… that couldn’t of been it.

Because he said “you are supposed to be a dad blogger and support me back.”

I still don’t know what that meant…

I guess that was a blogger breakup?