Could you imagine that we would ever sit where we are sitting amongst the people we are? Not far from when we couldn’t afford a dream… and now we live a dream…
I know happiness at last.
Viciously. And I have the boo boo to prove it.
Here is the bastard below.
I manage pain by managing where I feel the pain. It is not a matter of if when it comes to the struggle. It is simply a matter of when we will struggle with the struggle. There is no winning in this contest of will because it is our will against us. It is ourselves that we fight.
I drink a drink until there is nothing left of me. Until the anger has died and the pain has retreated for another day. It never leaves, it never flees. It simply decides to be somewhere else for the moment and I appreciate that moment as long as it lasts. As long as it lets me.
I have never been a cutter, but I have loved to bleed. I have romanced the rush of feelings that come as swiftly as only pain can. As only man-made pain can make you feel. Bleeding regret until there is only bliss, I have felt that need inside of me. You never see as clearly as you do when you are in pain. The clarity is so bright it makes your eyes die to reality and all you feel is the fantasy you have created. I love it.
You manage your happiness while I manage my pain. You manage your smiles while I find ways to smile. We learn to live within ourselves because we are the only lives we get.
So I move the pain around and make room for living.
Another day to breath, another day to feel… another day to feel the pain inside of me.
They said to write inspiration.
So I wrote until writing hurt. I wrote my story and my soul until there was only skin left to give.
So I gave it.
I wrote until my bones held my pencil and the only thing keeping me going was the next thought that needed to be written.
So I gritted my teeth and kept writing.
I kept writing while they chatted, while they talked, while they whispered. I wrote through the pain and the tears surrounding me, around me, needing me. I wrote while the world cried and the innocent died. I wrote while the world disappeared before my eyes…
Because writing is the only thing I know how to do and at least I can do that.
So I do that.