Depression Settles at the Bottom

I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 20 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 14 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 11 years since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

Jason C. Cushman

-Opinionated Man

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Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter

For my wife-

She comes into your life and brings nature’s blessing. And with her entrance comes a curse of wanton passion. The grass is still alive as it blazes in the sun. The chorus of our laughter floats gently in the Spring breeze. We are the definition of love and our hands are linked as we dance amongst the growing and the grown alike. We enjoy timeless sunsets on picturesque settings creating canvases waiting to be painted at each moment. We love.

Time works wonders and bonds grow firm. We resolve to walk quietly into the night together. Hands held tightly against the shadows we once faced alone. We pick each other up in the heat of the Summer, against the blazing sun and humanity’s punishment. We turn as one, in unison with one another’s needs. I am your need and you are mine. And like an oak tree we grow together.

The rain has come and we have weathered storms. We still touch… but sometimes our hands Fall like leaves from our tired limbs. The chatter of children running around our base keeps us united, we are still united with finger painted signs and chalk figures. But some nights are cold and the moon shines two shadows upon the ground.

It snows here in Denver. The Winter seems to be most of the year… at least lately. But even with the constant ice, it does melt with the strength of will. A will we share each morning and return to each night. The seasons form a timeless ring that hardens into a golden promise. They touch each time our hands unite with infused emotion. Regardless of what emotion that is the presence of feelings means that we still care.

-OM

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Leadership

One of the hardest jobs is being a leader. Being a follower is easy, stepping up and taking responsibility for others and their work is hard.

I was taught to act like the position you want to be next.

I spent years as a team lead in different fields, made my way to manager less than two years ago in IT Release Management , and finally made “low level” director at my new associate director job for RM. It’s been a roller coaster and I’ve found a great mentor in all of it. A person that has really stuck to their word and followed through on their promises. After you’ve had so many disappointments, it’s great to finally see a “win” for a change.

In my interview for the management position, I had three directors asking me questions. One said “what makes you think you would make a good manager?”

I told him “I’ve had many bad managers in my past. I’ve learned what not to do from them and because of them – I think I’d make a great manager.”

That’s not what you’re suppose to say in case you follow my blog for interviewing tips. But in all fairness, I wasn’t lying.

It would be great if we were all the type of leaders that charge the hill first. I tend to like to be in the back and see how the charging is going before making any drastic decisions.

You can’t be a leader if you are always tired and I’m starting to feel worn out. Traveling to Arizona soon to meet the new team. I like it there and have been a few times to see my boss.

ASU is a fun area and one of our sites is in Tempe.

I love the palm trees. That was a bit of a shock and I learned they were brought in!

-OM

That’s how it goes sometimes

As you can tell this site is now named after the only other blog I’ve ever run. It’s a memory of a better time, an easier time when blogging was truly free.

I’ve closed HR for good for now. Maybe when I’m 55 and not working for anyone I’ll reopen it. For now that blog is gone and that’s how it goes sometimes. Sometimes you need to move on. I’ve scrubbed the data and removed most the layers so it will be hard to ever find harsh reality again. I’ll miss that site, it was very hard to do. All the links, all the comments, all the history is gone and I’ve done a good job of removing what I can so that things can move on from it.

It’s a good thing. There was a time when the world needed opinions. When we needed a cow to change directions and force the herd to think.

That time isn’t now anymore.

Everyone wants to be heard now and the cacophony of this planet deafens me sometimes. I think it causes all of us to grimace because social media has given everyone a microphone to tell the world what they think. Twenty years ago you didn’t know your neighbors secrets and their deepest thoughts. Now the Nextdoor app and Facebook lets you know too much. Heaven forbid they are a blogger.

I am 37 years old with a wife and two children. I work as an IT manager running IT teams to release application updates and to build automation. My company was bought 3 years ago by an investment group I imagine was a group of guys that had 300 million sitting around in their trust funds. Those types of groups exist and in between polo practice and the weekly yacht club dinner, they bought our company. A year later they sold it…

Now my newly formed company has been bought again, although they coin it a merger. I’ve been working here seven years now and I’ve worked in this industry for over eleven. We are the payment processing industry and my company probably touches a few dollars you spend everyday, regardless where you live in the world, because we transfer the payment between the merchant, client, banks, and card brands. Money has to move right?

I feel like I’m close to making director. It’s one of those levels I’ve always dreamed of obtaining… and maybe even beyond. Being CEO of a blog doesn’t count unfortunately. Not unless your blog is a million dollar business.

Seven years ago I was sitting in a NOC day dreaming about being this or that level in business, when I started another dream. I created this blog.

It’s a struggle right now. A struggle to stay relevant at the work place while so many acquisitions and changes are being made.

I think I’ll keep blogging, but I’ve changed how I blog now and that’s a difference I now accept.

I’m no longer trying to be harsh reality because in reality I’ve grown tired.

I think I’m getting old…

-OM

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