Hoping to Die

There was a time in my life when the land was covered in darkness. It did not matter what time of the day it was there was simply no light. I walked the world a ghost and prayed to any god that would listen that he or she would simply end it for me. I wanted to die. I wrote the below poem in remembrance of that time of weakness.

And there they lay. The tools of the day. A razor, a pile of pills, and a bottle of Tanqueray.

I have stared in the mirror for hours. All have gone to bed. With each tear has come resolve. We may as well end it all. I hate you. With a hand I gulp the pills, the bottle is already near. I gulp death’s companion. And to the left are the backup dancers.

A letter to someone… I hope… anyone?

Never there is a reply. I say this aloud now as the razor cuts once, twice, thrice… and as the ice cold water washes away my sight. I feel life fleeing from my nearing empty vessel. And suddenly a wrongness, a surrender of an opportunity? I do not know.

And as the light flees the coming darkness, all I can do is embrace the growing warmth.

People fail to realize that there is depression and there is suicidal. To me suicidal is the point you reach when you just don’t care. You could give a shit less about heaven or hell, they are one and the same because your life has become a living hell. It doesn’t matter how many “do gooders” speak soft words in your direction, you only see darkness.

I remember well that time still to this day. The feeling of that night, sitting online and telling a few “close online friends” that I just didn’t care. That it was time to see what the next page brought. I remember a feeling of finality when I shut down my mother’s computer. My steps were almost light as I walked slowly upstairs. Neither asleep, nor really awake… I walked like a man in a daze to my bathroom. I starred at myself in the mirror for what seems like hours and in those precious minutes I decided I was ready to die. I made that choice. I took those pills and I drank that bottle to the head and I remember smiling. Because finally I didn’t feel so cold anymore. The warmth of death was my friend that night and I was ready to receive him.

It changes you… that type of experience. It is nothing to brag about and many might feel ashamed of that type of weakness. To feel ashamed of being human is a shame in itself. I was human that night, but I am lucky my humanity failed to die.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

@smokendust

44.1

HarsH ReaLiTy 5.0

Disclaimer: Horrible language and thought 


Anger: Dammit not another meeting! At least this one is by group chat.

Jason: Guys we have to get a grip on our anger. It is getting out of control. I mean… we went to Massage Envy, remember that anger? What the fuck chuck?

Angry: Jesus. I wish it was my job to walk around and think of colorful ways of telling people they are pieces of shit at their job. Don’t get mad at me for being me.

Harmony: I think if you two used more emojis 🤝 we would see more brotherly love here. Let’s be love. 🙌

Angerier: Where is the emoji for I want to punch you in the face? 😡

Harmony: See! You found one! Don’t you feel that anger coming out and subsiding?!?

Angeriest: 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Jason: This is going to be a long meeting… and when the fuck did you all get cell phones? 🤔

Sorry but I don’t

Sorry but I don’t meet people in person. I don’t do private messaging because I am married and my wife would beat me with a spoon. Not a solid spoon either, one of those spoons with holes in it so it goes whooooooshhhh before it hits you.

I don’t email privately unless it is blog related. I also rarely share much about my family… other than obviously my wife may or may not hit me with a wooden spoon if she caught me privately messaging any of you…

-Opinionated Man

Jason Cushman

@smokendust

Personal

I joined a neighborhood app and found a bike carrier for my car! Only cost me $40 and the seller was close so it worked out. No Gary… I won’t befriend you on it… stop sending me invites…

It was getting boring for the girls just riding around the neighborhood and now we can explore more of Colorado! We started that adventure this morning, but stayed in our area of town to test out the hitch.


I hope I have some job news soon.

My wife denied me retiring and getting a boat to become a tuna boat captain just yet.

Just yet.

I’m working on her and Captain Cush will happen!!!


Something else happened this week, but I’m not supposed to talk about it so I won’t.

I hope you all are having a great weekend! Be safe bloggers.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

Depression

I say hello to my depression.

It wears the face of a yesterday that refuses to be forgotten. A part of me follows me around until I am forced to recognize him. I catch glimpses of his reflection in the mirror, on a window, and from the side of my eye. We play hide and seek as I determine how much he means to me today. Will he become me?

I splash my face and see myself again. The man I have become. Even with acceptance of the rising sun, still this son feels the need to run. Depression inside and beside me still. I see the emptiness of last night standing like a line of empty cups. The feeling of weakness, the feeling of sorrow takes me and I borrow a little more time from my resolve not to care today.

I push myself deep, so deep it doesn’t hurt anymore. Down inside where I can hide. I splash my face one more time and walk out to meet my day… never looking him in the eye again.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

Heart

How do I write this so that you can understand it? And worm my words into your heart.

What is their meaning and where do I take it? Finally carrying words past the start.

Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop myself. As meaning grows from a decision done.

With my resolve you’ll understand me. Pen as clear as the rising sun.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust