Inspiration rises with the sun.
As dreams seem to finally be done.
Scary things, who dreams these things?
The dark has never been darker it seems.
But there is always a right with the left.
A truth I desperately hold to self.
And there it is, my shining light.
A light to break the darkest night.
I am just now returning from burying my last grandparent. My last one ever. For those of us that are adopted we tend to take our future bonds seriously and we hold onto them religiously. For some of us our adopted blood becomes our blood, or at least we allow ourselves to feel that way. When anyone loses a loved one it hurts. It pains your heart and causes you to falter, but you cannot falter because you are a pallbearer. You have a coffin to carry.
We carried my grandmother past the names we didn’t know. We walked past my Uncle buried nearby and stepped around the grave of a friend I still miss to this day, that I know is in heaven. My heart quickened with the sound of the rollers as her coffin was put in place. We stood and sang about what had happened and what is to come. We showed her our love under the Jackson sun and sent her off with a unique farewell of religion, love, family, and friends.
I feel like the sun is a little brighter and that is from the reunion I know is taking place right now.
Jason C. Cushman
I know people that read my blog have been waiting for me to say something profound on death and life. Honestly I have nothing inspiring to say today. All I am left with is a deep appreciation for family, love, and the blessing of knowing what love and family mean to me. They mean everything and they become more and more important as the love grows and the number of people you count as family falls.
I can’t believe this Shoney’s is closed! Nooooooo!!!!
Flying back to my childhood home, Jackson, Mississippi. Going “home” to bury my grandmother… my last grandparent that was living. I’ve had better weeks.
I could close my light to the light around it. Folding inside till there is no more inside. I turn away from everything until I turn away from it all. Closing light to accept a light is gone. I know acceptance now. And yet I miss the light. I miss it still.
There is half a piece of bread by my bed. A half eaten decision made at about 11:45 last night. It reminds me of a thought, half a thought because I can’t remember the rest. It seems a shame that somewhere hanging still is half a sentence. Breaking in half a paragraph that may have been. I lament half of the loss.
Jason C. Cushman
I could lay my life on the line. On a line followed by another line and another. Opening the pages of my heart with delicate finger that gently picks back the layers of my past. Some pages stuck together by tender emotion forming permanent rest. I pry them open with despair and allow release of my dusty sighs. They pass me by with cries of joy at final release, as they rain once more the terrors upon my body. I pause between giving in and getting out as I see my future regret before me. He points me back towards final decision and shines a light upon another path. It is not a religious light or mystic cause. Instead a dreamscape takes place and words are stepped on as clouds are given to a thought. I ponder another moment before giving in to shuttered eye and leave the world one last peaceful kiss goodbye.
Watching my site rank drop is hard to bear. Really hard to bear. I know many people will tell you that they don’t pay attention to stats. That they could care less about gaining subscribers and views on their site.
Well I care. I care enough to have poured countless hours into this website over the past three years. Sadly once I moved it off WordPress it began to fall to its true standing. I understand this and understand the why… still it sucks to watch. You work so hard to reach the stars and as soon as you cut your anchor you find out those stars weren’t real. It was actually a glass ceiling and beyond that is the true goal… the true stars.
Many bloggers become frustrated when they leave WordPress and strike out on their own. The life of a self-hosted site is singular and only becomes connected through actively trying to make connections. It is a tiresome and thankless job, but what is important to you? I know what is important to me and that is why my goals have never changed. I’ll admit it… it does get hard. It becomes very hard to keep logging in and grinding it out each day. And yet we do what we do because we get some kind of satisfaction from it. Because the connections we find each day help us to mark that day for what it was.