Depression Settles at the Bottom

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I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

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It must be privilege

I do most of the grocery shopping for my household. I know where stuff is in Costco, Walmart, K Soopers, and Target and can get in and out quickly.

Sometimes when I’m shopping I notice people doing things… things I could never get away with. I know this because my wife has had her purse checked and I’ve been stopped as well myself by store security for no reason.

All random checks of course.

I notice occasionally people eating food they are “going to buy,” but haven’t bought yet. You know, like the clear plastic thing of cookies some worker at the store made. I watched as this one individually ate cookie after cookie until they were almost gone, I wasn’t following them I needed prunes. Other times it’s the pound cake and someone’s eating gobbling it down and giving it to their kid too.

I get it. They were probably hungry. But, it must be a privilege because if I tried that I’d be arrested for theft. I have no doubt of that.

I think there are people, there was a movie once about it, that calculate the danger level of a situation so no one does it. I’d give “minority eating food before purchasing said food” a danger level of – don’t be an idiot. I wouldn’t try that at home.

Must be a privilege…

-OM

@smokendust

Star

I wished upon a Star.

And watched it float from afar.

Never knowing it wasn’t my star.

It already knew another’s call.

I climbed up in a tree.

Hoping for a sight to see.

All I see is other trees…

and people seeing what I want to see…

I have these crazy dreams.

Of people chasing me.

It makes no sense it seems.

Why must I always flee…

-OM

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@smokendust

Cloud

I looked upon a black cloud. It did not go away.

I placed in it all my pain. Still it stayed.

Shining rays of sun. It did not care.

My black cloud waved. Like her black hair.

I tried to dance between the rain. My falling bits of pain.

Tried to forget her name, till it drove me insane.

Now all that’s left is this black cloud. Won’t you go away?

My hanging memory of emotion felt. Your exit here to stay.

-OM

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@smokendust