One more year I guess

I created this blog January 3rd, 2013.

Today I got billed again, I guess I’ll keep going another year since it auto charged me.

My dream last night was horrible and frustrating… my wife left me and my kids were gone and I couldn’t find them. This dream was particularly painful because for some reason I was in Korea and she suddenly disappeared with my Gracie. I’m not sure where Anna was.

My focus though was suddenly on searching for an address on my phone. All I could do was keep trying, but the search function kept not working.

I tried over and over.

It was the address for my birth mom in Busan.

I was so focused on that, I couldn’t run to my wife and kid each time I saw them. It was like I was trapped between two wants.

What’s particularly sad is – I’ve given up looking for my birth mom and sister and have tried to move on.

I don’t even want to see them anymore, but I’d die if I lost my wife and kids. So this dream was particularly fucked up.

Jason

44.1

32 thoughts on “One more year I guess

  1. Yikes! Last night seems to have been the night for bad dreams. Mine could have been a slasher/vampire/porn movie. I’m not happy at all that I remember any of it, and I AM on my meds. I’ve only recently started blogging again and trying to make it substantive. I guess my subconcious is trying to run me off from the attempt. It honestly scares the hell out of me. There are years I’ve paid for my plan and not written a single word. I’m that damn scared of putting the real me out there.

    You are really brave. Don’t let repressed fears claim you now. Keep writing. We’re all on your side. Sleep well, Hon. Sleep sweet.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Mad dog 2020 as in for the vote. ;). Touching bit of the ripple to do the day. 80’s alley rainbow I have not had. Anyways you can want but it’s nice you focus as you actually choose. I want dim sum. If you can’t tell.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It sound like you want to let go, but your subconscious still wants to find your mom and sister. You may not be able to give it all up until you’ve exhausted every possible way to make contact with one or the other.

    If I were you I’d keep the blog going, it’s a good outlet for your frustrations, and a way to express your feeling to people who really don’t know you, personally.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow, I think last night was the night for fucked up dreams! I’ve been taking melatonin to get back to my regular sleeping pattern since my sporadic schedule during the holidays and it gives me some pretty vivid nightmares. Last night, I dreamt I threw my cat out the balcony and watched him splatter on the concrete. And then I was followed around an abandoned commercial kitchen by shadow people with glowing eyes.

    Having nightmares about your loved ones leaving you are the worst ones. To me, they always feel the most realistic, even after waking up.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sometimes dreams are resolved by trust we see our dreads and fears are powerful, deceitful beings. Yes they are like living things. Perfect love casts out fear and trust in the invisible power of God reveals to us as the hand we can give to enable Him to boot fear out. Corny often said praying for you Jason. All four… xxx

    Liked by 2 people

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