Depression Settles at the Bottom

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I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 20 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 14 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 11 years since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

Jason C. Cushman

-Opinionated Man

44.1

39 comments

  1. It’s really thoughtful of you to share this so people going through bad times know they’re not alone. I read some of the comments and am glad to know you are well. Some phases are an important part of us and the rough often plays a part in helping us grow, accept and move forward. Still remembering, but with a kindness to ourselves and with an acceptance of the way things are. I think what’s important is that we remember to be kind to ourselves and stay away from those who are unkind.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Back in the early 90s, a “friend” basically blamed me for being depressed, and told me so many things that were “wrong” with me, and made me feel even more depressed….Then he’d scold me, say people didn’t want to sit with me at meals because I was so negative and made them depressed…..It was a vicious circle. And he’d been in a mental hospital himself, and would go to one again. Makes me wonder which of us was truly the negative one making other people depressed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I really like how you’ve likened something dark and dreary as depression, to the usually pleasant powder white you see in a snow globe. Very poetic imagery.
    I think I’m inclined to agree. It never goes away, it just stays there. Until someone or something comes and shakes you. Some days, you don’t even need a trigger. It just exists.
    Acceptance and understanding, by your own self, I’m finding, is the key to living a life. Any sort of life. It’s taking time, but I’m getting there.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m really feeling this right now. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days. Even when I have the hard conversations with my friends who are trying to help me, it feels like we’re on completely different pages. Don’t even get me started on my psychologist …

    Liked by 4 people

  5. It’s just so TIRING, doing all the things while you’re under that burden. I love the snow globe analogy. Yes. It’s always there, and then some little thing — or nothing at all — agitates it up and I’m like, “Oh. You again. Yay.” Thanks for expressing and sharing. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  6. It is absolutely not funny to stay in the middle of a depression, Jason.
    I have been there some years ago now, but for the years inside, I suffered a lot.
    What helped me out of the depression was to start physical training several times a week. Back then I never thought of me would go into such a training center, but I must admit, this helped me much better than all the medication have ever done.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. It is very difficult almost impossible to explain depression to those who have never experienced its depths or dreaded a return. If I can dare to say it praying for you. To me it must be like a whale heading into the deeps… But people are not whales… We need to take our voyages into deep. Dark water with a friend. You have many friends Jason all, probably going to be praying for you.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. I liken my episodes like awareness of the sound of a car passing- I hear it coming…closer, closer… it’s here and it begins to pass still here, still here and just as it faded in it fades out. I don’t try to make anything happen I don’t resist and it’s gone

    Liked by 3 people

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