Fear

I’ll admit I have a few fears. I just witnessed one of them this week.

My grandmother passed away from Alzheimer’s disease a bit ago. My best friend’s mother passed away from Louie Body Dementia this past week, a new disease for me to add to my fear list. Louie Body is much like Alzheimer’s, it robs you of any dignity you have earned from your lifespan. It takes you from an adult back down to the status of a child and in the end they either whither away and die or they starve to death.

In the past five years I saw a woman go from my best friend’s mom, a woman my wife vividly remembers because of her openness and kindness when meeting her the first time, to a woman I barely recognized but still deeply felt connected to. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose yourself.

This blog, this place I’ve built for myself here… It is the image of my mind. These diseases that cause you to lose what I hold most precious scare me. What are we without our memories? What is a life if you don’t even remember living it?

You know some people make the statement that they want to be written into a book so they can be remembered forever.

I just want to remember myself and all I love till my last breath. That’s all I ask really, to be able to have that last blink and hopefully slide out one last thought that maybe it was worth it after all.

-Opinionated Man

44.1

@smokendust

39 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Pingback: Why I Shouldn’t Be Afraid? – YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY

  2. This is a fear of mine too. Blogging, writing, sharing pieces of heart and thoughts is a perfect vessel to remind ourselves and others of who we were in case something like this happens. These kinds of diseases of the mind are a part of our life and finding a ways to counter that like this are no different than getting treatment for them. It’s needed.

    And yes, your last paragraph is everything. Thank you!

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  3. My condolences to you and all who loved those who have passed. My family has lost several people to Alzheimer’s and what comforts me is that, even when the person loses their memories, their loved ones continue to remember them and everything that they meant to them.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand you fear. Having watched several loved ones go down the path of Cognitive impairment it’s easy to find oneself terrified of it. Having cared for several people throughout the process I have no wish to outlive my mind. I wish that there was a way to include cognitive impairment in a living will. Our laws will allow me to refuse cancer treatment and die but they won’t allow me a peaceful death in the case of severe cognitive impairment and those laws need to change. My desire is to be allowed to die once I have reached a point where I no longer recognize my loved ones, am unable to care for my basic personal needs, and/or if I am comatose for more than a week. I think adults should be free to decide whether or not they wish to continue life and under what circumstances.

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  5. My largest fear has always been that I would someone lose my mind. My husband can’t understand that because, as he says, if my mind were gone how would I know it so why would it be frightening? But I watched my mom decline from Alzheimer’s before she died of cancer at 90, so I think my fear is reasonable. At least, my mom never forgot who I was, and even remembered her grandkids right up to the end. That was a blessing.

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  6. Take heart, OM! Often those on the outside looking in at our loved ones suffer more then they do. We see all the losses, we are the ones letting go of them, and fear can make it harder on us. Alzheimer, dementias are not good things, but our own fear of the unknown, our being fully aware and conscious, can make them seem even scarier then they are.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey, sorry for your loss man and yes that last statement. All of us want to have a lasting legacy in this planet or in our town but it wouldn’t mean anything if at the last moment of your life you won’t remember the people you love and shared your life with.

    PS: This inspired me to write my own piece as well.. I hope its cool that I share this entry. Thanks..

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My dad is currently struggling with dementia, on top of having had a couple of strokes – he’s going to turn 83 next month, and I fear this may be his last birthday with us. For now, most of the time my dad still knows his family and friends, but at times he does get lost and confused, and that hurts him as much as it hurts us. These are the same kind of thoughts I’ve been having lately, what are we without our memories? 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  9. We can’t control what will happen to us in the future, there’s no way we can fully prepare ourselves for these deterioration that may or may not even come to us, we can only live each and every day right now to its fullest potential, and, keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best…

    Liked by 1 person

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