Rage

I’ve known controlled and uncontrollable rage. I think we all have. Uncontrollable rage like when we get so angry we throw our cell phone and break it. About six seconds later the regret kicks in and then a new anger… at ourselves for breaking such a precious thing! All over someone not even worth it! Fuck! What were we thinking?!? We could have thrown the blender, it is only worth $20! But then how would we make margaritas?

I’ve known controlled rage. That anger where you want to just pummel someone until they are broken like your favorite toy was. And then you are sad the toy is gone. I’ve known that rage before often and controlled it. It makes me reflect sometimes on myself.

When I was young I was taught that “a deed thought of is a deed done.” Well that scared the shit out of me. I think up some evil stuff and have thought horrible deeds in the past. That meant… I might as well of done them in the face of God. I wasn’t too sure about how I felt about that as a child. That basically meant I was on the hook for something I didn’t feel I controlled mentally. And who wants to fast from food to try and control your mind when you are twelve?

I’ve learned that my mind is a puzzle that becomes less puzzling each day. Pieces of me have become a part of what I will be, I just don’t know it yet. The piece of my mind that thinks awful thoughts and is right next to the agitated Cushman that never relaxes. I’ve stopped trying to fight them. They are just me at this point.

And I am who I am.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust

16 thoughts on “Rage

  1. I feel you. I think it’s important to find an outlet, it could be writing or boxing or even jogging. Whichever suits us. Suppressed rage and frustration is like a ticking bomb. I have often been there, to the near boiling edge. But what’s important is the urge to return back. :’)

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  2. Phone queues always do it for me. The other day I had to call the hospital to change an appointment and I had to listen to a tedious countdown of how many callers were ahead of me (against a background of mind-numbing muzak), only to be told at the end there was a problem with the system and I would have to try later. That was 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back, sitting listening to BOLLOCKS. The trouble with that sort of anger is there’s no outlet for it – it just sits over your head all day like a toxic cloud crudding up your day.
    BTW, if “a deed thought of is a deed done”, the person responsible for that little glitch now has a broken face.

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  3. Pingback: Rage — HarsH ReaLiTy | Live Free 2 Sail Fast

  4. I’ve been there too. Breaking something because of frustration although often my anger was directed at the object in question because it wasn’t working properly. My one car was full of dents because I kicked the hell out of it when it stalled at a traffic light. Then I’ve had the remorse thing after as well.

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  5. Rage can be pretty hard to control, especially when in some cases the source of it just never stops coming. I try to tell myself that it’s okay because someday they won’t be there or the other situation will be gone but dang, it’s frustrating.

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  6. I know these feelings well. Ah the why not break the blender!!! I have learned to channel that anger in that moment and it has taken a long time! But I have a nice pile of breakables that when the mood strikes and I want to take an ax to something well there is a little pile in the garage!

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  7. Sorry that I have been away, my friend. Conditions and life.
    I know that rage and it can be scary. I was actually just writing about that to my husband the other day. How when I am in that moment and afterward, I don’t even recognize myself.
    Since we are being honest, I have also been there when I have felt the urge mostly in my head, to beat the crap out of someone. When I was about 17 I remember wanting to yank this girl’s hair who had stolen my boyfriend. That should’ve been a sign. But as you said, the person wasn’t worth it and I’m glad that I never acted on my impulses.
    I haven’t heard ” a deed thought of is a deed done” before but being brought up in a church environment I now think that at some points in my life I have felt that way. Well, I thought it so I might as well say it now. The damage is done, right. That was my thinking which seems similar to what you were told. A small world.
    Sometimes I joke and say, Hulk smash!!!
    Puny bug!! Puny bad driver! etc…
    Maybe that was why I Was drawn to characters like the Hulk and King Kong.
    Maybe there is a rage waiting to get out.
    Just kidding
    God bless my friend to you and your family and have a very peaceful and joyous Easter.
    Tiffany

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  8. I try not to let my emotions control me any more . It just get me to a point of self hatred. I do things from logic then I like myself better in the end.

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