For Men Only – Relationships

Guys at some point if you continue to engage in those things called relationships eventually you’ll run into an awkward situation. This situation is usually bred when you’ve done something dumb and your wife, girlfriend, significant other, lunch date that sleeps over, or whatever decides she wants to be mad at you. She stays mad because that’s what women do, regardless of the fact that you pointed out two cardinals mating in a tree or the trail of dead butterflies beneath your feet.

Eventually you both go to bed because you have to sleep right? And the couch is only 4.3 feet long and you are unfortunately 5’10 so you reluctantly trudge up to the bedroom and wait for the palpable silence that allows you to know shit is about to go down!!!

But shit doesn’t go down…

Instead you watch funny shows without laughing and mutters are the only reply you get. It is like a North Korean torture session.

What do you do to break such a cycle you may ask? I have a few solutions, but use them at your own peril. Only you know whether or not some of these will get you stabbed.

1 – Bring a bag of her favorite chips to bed. Depending on how mad she is should determine if you get a giant ass bag from Costco. Slowly eat the chips and put emphasis on the biting action. Chew slowly. Never offer her one. Let her ask for one and break the silence she has perpetuated!

2 – Fart. This works and I don’t care how old you are. That shit is just funny.

3 – Tell her you might be getting a promotion. When you don’t get the promotion just play it off as corporate politics and have her hate the man with you. Hell she might even feel sorry for you.

4 – Tell her jim died. When jim comments on your blog the next day fall to your knees and praise god for an obvious miracle. You may want to squeeze out a tear or two.

5 – A great time to tell her about the new golf clubs.

6 – If you’ve been hiding a secret pet and it is adorable show it to her! What a great ice breaker! For those of you shaking your head saying “how could anyone hide a pet?” You’d be surprised. You go in every storage closet in your home? Really?

7 – Tickle torture works if she is ticklish. If she isn’t she might knee you in the nuts. Practice protective arm movements for sensitive areas.

8 – Watch her favorite show and pretend you’re interested. But seriously my boy Dean didn’t deserve all that grief on Bachelor in Paradise…

9 – Be overly loving and smoother her. Those glares and elbows are just love! Love the anger out of her!

Be confident and you’ll succeed men. Go Joe!

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

27 thoughts on “For Men Only – Relationships

  1. hahahaha really none of this would work with me……the hubby just hunkers down for the storm to pass …..best way with me just let me let rip and then it will be all over and done with and all forgotten about in 5 minutes cause really you don’t want me to boil on it…..cause you know the Evil Bitch Queen from Hell thing 🙂
    And really you should know us girls are going to read these things shakes head you really should know this,xx Rachel

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