Depression Settles at the Bottom

I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

44.1

43 thoughts on “Depression Settles at the Bottom

  1. I was depressed for a while after my grandma died. It wasn’t depression, per se, but I was sure showing a lot of the symptoms. I got counseling for suicidal ideation. Course, my best friend (and love interest) had recently betrayed me and that didn’t make things any better…anyhow. That was months ago, in around March, I’m ok now. But I get it…the gravitational pull of that dark hole can be strong. I used to think people with depression were just sad and needed to “cheer up”…now I know I was just plain wrong.

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    • Finally someone gets it! I have had bipolar disorder to 20 yrs and I’ve tried to explain to people it just doesn’t go away. I’m on meds. I do yoga. I attend groups. I excercise and eat right and I still get depressed sometimes. It’s like a deep dark pit and I can’t escape it. This blog is wonderful and I’m seine gig to my family and friends. You have a new subscriber. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I get this. I have never heard depression described that way. I’m going to remember that , maybe even put a snowglobe on my desk to remind me that this will pass, when the waters are still again.

    Good to hear from you. You know WP and their magic delete button—

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.”
    This puts into words what I go through a lot in many ways and areas of life. You’re so right, must fix. Don’t sit with what is and god forbid I sit quietly. Must distract. I do this all the time. I was just thinking about this. Very synchronistic to find this.

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  4. The only one who knows the right words to whisper to your ear during those hard days, is you yourself. All other ones can do, is listen if you want to talk, support you if you want to be supported, and just love you for who you are. Sending you a big hug, XxX

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  5. Pingback: The Weekly Headlines – My Daily Musing

  6. Love it. It comes and go. Fight it. My family once told me I should be on meds. Little did they know it’s not the meds that I needed. They never understood . I’ve never forgotten their words. When you’re at the lowest it’s like a betrayal.
    I was just frustrated and unhappy. It wasn’t depression.

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  7. When I was a student at Mississippi College, I often found it difficult to connect with people my own age. Over time, I would explain/discuss my problems with others and they’d just throw it back at me like it’s my fault and tell me to try harder. “Maybe you’re the one who’s not letting other people connect with you,” they’d say. “Maybe you should try harder.” And all the while, ignoring all those times I did try. My depression isn’t a snow globe but it’s more of a bottomless pit. My experience is waiting ’til I touch the bottom (if there is a bottom). Everytime I try and fail, the ground I’ve fallen to breaks and I fall again until I find the ground again. Thanks for sharing your experience with depression. It was worth a read :).

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  8. “Depression settles on the bottom.” Well said. I know our relationships with depression is as as unique as the snowflakes you described earlier. Nonetheless, this post really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.
    The fight is much easier to wage when we know we aren’t alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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