10 Things I Don’t Do

1 – I won’t ride on a motorcycle behind you Gary. That just ain’t me…

2 – When people yell “who wants to be a hero?” I don’t raise my hand. Don’t heroes die? I’m good in the audience.

3 – I don’t share food. I don’t understand why people think I’m joking. I’ll buy you food. I won’t share MY food. I mean… this better be some pretty crazy shit going on for me to half my burger.

4 – I don’t camp. I’m 35 and I will never sleep on the ground again unless a world war breaks out, zombies spring up and take over, or those asshole aliens from nebulous finally arrive. I don’t do the ground or nature. I’ve been an orphan before and honestly, nature hates us. They even attack the advocates! What more proof do you really need?

5 – “You’ll be the first to ____.” Nope! Better sign Gary. Fuck that, how dumb do I look?

6 – So we are going to run with the bulls! Um… excuse me? Have you ever YouTubed that running with the bulls shit? Hell no. Hell no. I’d rather run from the cops.

7 – Ok this one is a serious one. If you don’t wash your hands in the bathroom I don’t share food with you. I don’t care what god we are honoring or who we are breaking bread for… wash your hands! That’s fucking gross.

8 – I ran out of things because I wrote the title before the post. Man… fuck you title.

9 – I reread this and realized how many people will probably unsubscribe because of it. But it is fuck it Wednesday so…

10 – We need a 10 or someone will sue for false advertising. Gary. So 10 is that I want to leave a shout out. I miss you bacon.

-OM

44.1

@smokendust


Drank the margarita and feeling great. Errrr no one will read this…

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51 thoughts on “10 Things I Don’t Do

  1. Hold the phone fuck it Wednesday?! Who didn’t invite me…love it. Change approved.

    Don’t share anything with ppl who don’t wash after they poo. Ffs ppl! You know that’s how that awful stomach virus starts right? Ick. lol grown ass ppl not washing their potty hands smh…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. what the hell bro??? no running with the bulls? whose picture m I suppose to take now when you and the bulls make that sharp corner turn to the right? crap, there goes a perfectly good photo op. it coulda gone viral and you coulda been almost as famous as Gary.

    Liked by 1 person

    • how would you know? ever stand on the seat so no one knows you’re in there, and count the bathroom users who wash their hands …. or don’t wash their hands? I haven’t either, but it sounds like fun. There could be a bullhorn announcement upon leaving the rest room…. “attention! this person did not wash their hands!” no rinsing of hands and drying them on the back of yer jeans because ya don’t want to wait for the paper towel to move. And no activating the dryer so the noise sounds like its being used.

      Like

  3. Agree with the camping bit . Only did it to impress guys . Now I prefer my comfy bed and my shower that’s not water efficient πŸ˜‚
    I only share food after I’m full unless I’m going out with hubby and can’t decide on food so we buy two dishes and have half half

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ll share my food if it’s something I don’t like much. And I’ll go camping as long as I can take my bed. The ground has gotten harder over the years. It’s good to have boundaries.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You don’t share food (ref #3)… So why would I wash my hands just for you? (ref #7) Besides, I highly doubt we’ll even get to eat together sometime, be it sharing or eating our own food…. So what’s the big fuss about my hand hygene???

    Liked by 4 people

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