Hoping to Die

There was a time in my life when the land was covered in darkness. It did not matter what time of the day it was there was simply no light. I walked the world a ghost and prayed to any god that would listen that he or she would simply end it for me. I wanted to die. I wrote the below poem in remembrance of that time of weakness.

And there they lay. The tools of the day. A razor, a pile of pills, and a bottle of Tanqueray.

I have stared in the mirror for hours. All have gone to bed. With each tear has come resolve. We may as well end it all. I hate you. With a hand I gulp the pills, the bottle is already near. I gulp death’s companion. And to the left are the backup dancers.

A letter to someone… I hope… anyone?

Never there is a reply. I say this aloud now as the razor cuts once, twice, thrice… and as the ice cold water washes away my sight. I feel life fleeing from my nearing empty vessel. And suddenly a wrongness, a surrender of an opportunity? I do not know.

And as the light flees the coming darkness, all I can do is embrace the growing warmth.

People fail to realize that there is depression and there is suicidal. To me suicidal is the point you reach when you just don’t care. You could give a shit less about heaven or hell, they are one and the same because your life has become a living hell. It doesn’t matter how many “do gooders” speak soft words in your direction, you only see darkness.

I remember well that time still to this day. The feeling of that night, sitting online and telling a few “close online friends” that I just didn’t care. That it was time to see what the next page brought. I remember a feeling of finality when I shut down my mother’s computer. My steps were almost light as I walked slowly upstairs. Neither asleep, nor really awake… I walked like a man in a daze to my bathroom. I starred at myself in the mirror for what seems like hours and in those precious minutes I decided I was ready to die. I made that choice. I took those pills and I drank that bottle to the head and I remember smiling. Because finally I didn’t feel so cold anymore. The warmth of death was my friend that night and I was ready to receive him.

It changes you… that type of experience. It is nothing to brag about and many might feel ashamed of that type of weakness. To feel ashamed of being human is a shame in itself. I was human that night, but I am lucky my humanity failed to die.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

@smokendust

44.1

hr

38 thoughts on “Hoping to Die

  1. I think sharing experiences like you’ve done here will help end the shame associated with depression and suicide attempts. Nobody should feel ashamed for a feeling or emotion that they can’t help feeling. Thanks for sharing this article.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Suicide to me, is when you’d experienced too much pain in your life, not knowing what was happening to you, and you just, want it all, to be OVER with, while depression is only an adverse side-effect from that…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Glad you’re still around . There was a space in time that I was going to drive my car into a pole or tree and be done with life. It was a dark period that I don’t want to go back to. I’m always fearful and always on a look out. Never let my moods slip to that point ever again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Some of us have to go through that in order to find ourselves. I think it makes you stronger because although you might have given up on life – life did not give up on you. You have so much to live for now.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve thought of suicide a good portion of my life starting when I was teenage but mostly those thoughts have actually been life affirming. I remember there are things I still need to do or want to do, things or people I still want to see but in my one attempt (and only I believe) I didn’t care about anything; not anyone, not anything. No note, no explanation, no goodbye…just peace was all I sought. Not sleep or maybe sleep without dreams and no chance of waking. It was soothing that thought and calming and one I wish to never have again. Your post and poem resonate and you are brave for posting. I commend you and also share in the joy that the attempt failed. ~~dru~~

    Liked by 1 person

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