Looking For My Identity

When I started junior high school my world opened up and I began to make new friends. I was quiet and withdrawn in my classes, and because there were so many other students I found it easy to make myself invisible. I never participated in class discussions or asked for help. My grades were good enough to keep things peaceful at home when report cards came, but not so good that I stood out to my teachers as a straight A student.  Even though I was quiet and reserved with my new friends, I was still invited to parties on the weekends where there was a lot of booze and drugs.

I loved getting high. I found that it quieted my mind and made it easier to compartmentalize my life. I could actually feel happy at times. I had been dissociating from a very young age, but now I found I could literally forget where I lived and what my life was about when I left home each day.

I had learned to turn my life off when I left my house. I had no family, no home, no pain, and no abuse. My home life went black when I walked out the door. I felt no fear of inadvertently telling anyone what was going on with me for two reasons.  One, I had been threatened so deeply that I knew not to trust any adults and two, I dissociated every time I left home.

I had honed the skill of forgetting the realities of my home life and the horrors that went with it so well, that sometimes when I got home, I was surprised at how unfamiliar my surroundings were when I walked through the door. Then, within seconds, the truth of my existence rushed back in. I knew where I was and who lived there.

Excerpt from, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph by Alexis Rose

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph



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