Giving Up…

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It is hard to accept we have given up on something. Sometimes the release is necessary to heal and move on. Giving up has never been an action I have viewed favorable, but it is a crutch I have used in the past. It is easy to give up when you don’t care anymore. It becomes much harder when you are trying to convince yourself you don’t really care.

Part of my motivation for finally writing “my story” is due to my decision to give up on parts of my past. The hidden dream in the back of my head that I might one day have a happy reunion with my birth mother and sister was killed a long time ago. I just kept it on life support because… why not? We all need dreams and why not have one that won’t ever come true?

Neverland is never forever. One day we grow up and realize the boy we have cradled inside our mind must finally grow up. Harsh reality must be adopted for us to adopt the obvious sometimes, even when the facts are shards of pain that will never disappear. I accepted the pain a long time ago. Why can’t I accept the failure that goes with it.

I don’t remember when I gave up. I just know I have. There is an inner peace that you can find when you finally accept your reality. It takes time though to forget faces, places, and hope. Hope takes forever to die and reappears with the slightest breath of life. I will hope that my hope is truly dead and that I can bury it forever.

I am giving up. I am moving on.

Jason Chandler Cushman

-Opinionated Man

Ahn Soo Jin

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26 thoughts on “Giving Up…

  1. OMG… This makes me want to cry! My first I had to make the choice of letting go! And my last, wasn’t by choice… He was taken with bone cancer and living alone without was hell! But it has been a year and a half ago since his loss. I’ve learned that I have to move on for my little girl I adopted, for her and I to have a chance in this crazy place we call LIFE!

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  2. I think I mentioned to you a while back that writing it down will help you let go of some of it. My adoptive daughter struggles so much with this. I wish she had a way of giving up the past she can’t control.

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  3. Well you see now… 😉
    Hope is a funny little thing. It is not ours to take nor keep but to give. SO you have not lost it – because you still give it. Plus, PLUS, when we give up hope on that which by all rights and reason appears to be false hope, we enter a journey to real hope -The kind that enables us to create it for those we love.
    But yeah, that kinda sucks when we reach that place – though I must ADD (OBVIOUSLY) if we let go (harder than hard for so many things) it opens our hands to embrace what is within our grasp.
    Something like that anyway. 🙂
    I guess.

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  4. Sometimes, we’re, forced to give up something that mattered a lot to us, like searching for the lost parts of our pasts, or someone we’d loved dearly, but had lost due to some unknown reasons, and, by finally giving up on trying to find that reason of why things happened, we’re, a step closer to the closure we desperately need in our lives…

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  5. Pingback: It’s hard to give up.. |

  6. I understand the feeling of wanting to give up. I hoped for a lot in life, but the older I get, the more I realize certain things will never happen. Honestly, I don’t care about life anymore. Life is horrible, and I don’t see why people enjoy it.

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  7. Wouldn’t it be sweet if hope came with an on/off button?? I’d get that kind of hope, if it was available… Even if it cost more!

    Unfortunately, standard hope comes with the label “never say never” tattooed on its ass (pardon my French) and sometimes it is almost impossible to make it stop poking you in the ribs, saying “yeah but what if? – What if? – What if?…”

    Sending you warm thoughts…

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  8. My heart hurts for you. I recently made a similar decision. After many failed attempts, I stopped searching. Doing so felt like a weight lifted. Hope was hurting me way more than it ever helped me. I was sucked into a vicious cycle.

    I’ve given up my search for self. I GAVE UP! Damn that hurts to admit. I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll always be that little baby girl kicked to the curb by her birth mother. Hell by her entire tribe/birth family. Fuck em. Their loss.

    Oh and I know what you mean about hope reappearing with the slightest breath of life. I’m avoiding the wind brother. Any and all breeze. My hope needs to remain buried!

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  9. Acceptance….I wish I could get there. There must be a certain peace with the act of stopping hoping for something that will never be. Stopping the cycle of disappointment. Guess I need to step off the merry-go-round myself.

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