It is hard to accept we have given up on something. Sometimes the release is necessary to heal and move on. Giving up has never been an action I have viewed favorable, but it is a crutch I have used in the past. It is easy to give up when you don’t care anymore. It becomes much harder when you are trying to convince yourself you don’t really care.
Part of my motivation for finally writing “my story” is due to my decision to give up on parts of my past. The hidden dream in the back of my head that I might one day have a happy reunion with my birth mother and sister was killed a long time ago. I just kept it on life support because… why not? We all need dreams and why not have one that won’t ever come true?
Neverland is never forever. One day we grow up and realize the boy we have cradled inside our mind must finally grow up. Harsh reality must be adopted for us to adopt the obvious sometimes, even when the facts are shards of pain that will never disappear. I accepted the pain a long time ago. Why can’t I accept the failure that goes with it.
I don’t remember when I gave up. I just know I have. There is an inner peace that you can find when you finally accept your reality. It takes time though to forget faces, places, and hope. Hope takes forever to die and reappears with the slightest breath of life. I will hope that my hope is truly dead and that I can bury it forever.
I am giving up. I am moving on.
Jason Chandler Cushman
Ahn Soo Jin