For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”

I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

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364 thoughts on “For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”

  1. Pingback: For men only: Opinionated Man corrected! | Boomerang Zone

  2. Have been married a long time and those denials are great. I will reference cats, dog and the lizards. Wife responds with “liar, liar, pants on fire”. I take the pants on fire a compliment. As you get older, any positive acknowledgement is accepted.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Reblogged this on Sarah's Attic Of Treasures and commented:

    My reply to Opinionated Man: I am Not a glitter type person . Please don’t buy me a fancy /expensive piece of jewelry. I love t-shirts from all over the world . Mine are mostly Florida State Park Shirts right now.
    I am a simple person over all. If you don’t understand me then ask me or listen when I explain as I usually do.
    I need hugs and love.
    I don’t need macho but I don’t want wimpy.
    I can be a bitch but I am good at saying I am sorry.

    Yes, I know you said men only…but I was curious…..looks like I am not the only one.
    ……….For this post on SAOT: What is your opinion on this post?

    Like

  4. I am Not a glitter type person . Please don’t buy me a fancy /expensive piece of jewelry. I love t-shirts from all over the world . Mine are mostly Florida State Park Shirts right now.
    I am a simple person over all. If you don’t understand me then ask me or listen when I explain as I usually do.
    I need hugs and love.
    I don’t need macho but I don’t want wimpy.
    I can be a bitch but I am good at saying I am sorry.

    Yes, I know you said men only…but I was curious…..looks like I am not the only one.

    Like

  5. Greetings opinionated fellow blogger, I wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading your blog, I like the sincerity of your writing, and I have nominated you for the Brotherhood of the World Award. Don’t forget to stop by my blog and check it out. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Blogger Recognition Award | Being ME !

  7. Pingback: My Article Read (8-14-2015) | My Daily Musing

  8. we’re not hard to understand … all you need is hard cock, big rock (i prefer man-made) and multiple orgasms .. that’s all really : )) but in all seriousness, we all just want to be loved.. regardless of gender.

    Like

  9. The last technique is called Gaslighting used by narcissist to confuse their low-self-esteemed victim’s already poor sense of reality, in case you didn’t know XD I fall for this. But whatever, this was funny too. The glitter thing would work for me as well XD

    Liked by 1 person

  10. bwahahahahahahaha loool! Yup, just throw the glitters… and don’t forget the cha-cha while at it. if the former fails to impress, the ability to multitask will defo do it 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That took only about forever to scroll through all those comments to get to the bottom here where I can comment. xD
    I would so have a fit of giggles and just tuggle (tackle+huggle) the cutie that does “I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air.”

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand” | thegirlwiththeredlipstickk

  13. Thank you! This is hilarious!!! I love your posts and look forward to them every day. BTW, you have women completely figured out. Now, we women just need to figure ourselves out. A woman who understands and accepts herself would love the glitter. Peace and Love from RKG

    Liked by 2 people

  14. A friend of my grandfather’s gave me some very solid advice when I was about 15. He said “Son, when you get married you can be two things – right, or happy.” This has consistently proven to be the truest advice I’ve ever received.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. You write for the young soul, and I write for the older soul. Huge night and day difference. However, what you’re writing about is completely perfect for those just stepping onto this path.
    I don’t find women complicated or men complicated, I find the gap and distance between us complicated… and fascinating.

    March on, brave one…

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Being complicated and being “hard to understand” are two very different things, I am easy to be understood but I am very complicated. Loved the article (from a woman’s perspective, yes another one I “wasn’t supposed to red LOL) as always OM 😉 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Haha. This is kind of nice. Hmm.. Don’t women find men difficult to understand as well? But they discuss it with their kind and then make conclusions..? Except, i don’t really know because NBSB. Haha.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. In my experience, the glitter also works at times when we men are magician assistants and our women magically make money ‘disappear’. That’s a great glitter moment at my house; you should hear the applause…

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I’m not much for gifts. Learn how to cook me a good mealk for my birthday, and we are good to go.

    “The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.” lmao!

    Like

  20. Sage advice, Mr. Opinionated. I have started carrying an easily and quickly opened vial of the glitteriest glitter to use at opportune moments. Your evasion during a fight is based upon time-tested truths stretching back into the fog that is ancient history. The masterful Sun Tzu mumbled a millennium or so ago that the best victory comes from the battle never fought. Since the gals are convinced they are 100-percent right even when they deep-down have a minute tickle of a hint that they might be a wee bit wrong that subtle thought will never ever reach their bellowing of how correct they are. Do not fight what can never be defeated.

    So, off I go with faded long-ago thoughts of trekking within Chin Hae SK and prepare for the immense idiocy confronting Western males when confronting the entrenched embedded illogic and irrationality of that which is female.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Your mentioning of glitter reminded me hilariously of a comedian with the last name of Gosling (I can’t remember his first name — it wasn’t ‘Ryan’, though), who did a gig for Just for Laughs where he talked about throwing glitter in a boss’ face on one’s last day of work.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I’m so glad you brought up the glitter thing, proving chivalry is not dead. As a woman, I find it hard to believe that today in the 21st century some guys still don’t care enough to bring glitter on a first date. Its absence is definitely a deal breaker.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Pingback: Glitter | HarsH ReaLiTy

  24. Yeah, the thing is, you wrote a whole article about it. I can right now tell you in five words what a man wants. Food, shelter, empowerment, sex, internet. Fullfill those requirements and you can have any man you want in the palm of your hand. With women, though, there’s no easy way. You have to think, and you have to think a lot. And for a creature who’s happy with five things in life, it’s difficult to think of five hundred. Women are easy to understand, the thing is, each and every one of you thinks differently. You can understand an individual woman and then meet her clone and it’s not the same. We have a universal formula, you don’t.

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  25. I’m not really in to athletic men much, or really athletic people for that matter. They always seem to try their hardest to get you to be a health freak like them, and I’m just like “no”. Like when exercise nuts wake up at 5 in the morning to go for a 5 mile run and want you to join them, I just want to ask “Who hurt you?”

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  26. Oh this is hilarious.. I would love to see a man blow the shit out of the whistle haha! and “the moment” glitter stuck to all parts of anatomy is so much fun..

    personally.. my daily workout is looking at yoga videos or reading a health smoothie recipe while I sip a beer

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  27. I used to watch one of these Aussie aerobics programs, and that was my exercise for the day. Just watching those lovelies sweat was sweet enough for me!

    Like

  28. I have to remember to read your blog daily, because it sure brightened up my day. I know, I broke the rule. I clearly have a vagina, and I read this anyway. But, this article made me wonder if the vagina is purely anatomic, because now I feel like the dude in my marriage. I blame a lot of stuff on my kid that was actually my fault, like those deep scratches in the hardwood floor, because I was too lazy to actually carry the laundry basket down to the laundry room. This is the very same laundry room where I am constantly accused of not doing laundry ever. You’d think that the clear evidence of clean clothes for everyone to wear would be the tip off, but every time there is an argument, I get domestic amnesia. Which reminds me, I should be prepping dinner and looking for my husband’s shoes that he jammed in the back of the closet prior to company over the weekend.

    I’m doing that glitter thing. I’ll make a little trademark symbol after I do it though, just for the props.

    Like

  29. Yes, we are easy to understand. I need to make it clear (for me) though I prefer to be protected, I realized that speaking gently is important rather than being loud

    Like

    • Eh, there was one commenter down there that called this “audience writing, crap.” lol, but that might have just been a random blogger. Feminist don’t really jump at the bait here. I wonder why. 🙂

      Like

  30. Pingback: For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand” | Life, Music, Musings, Reformational Worldview

  31. Love this post.

    Re Glitter – Could always rub it on your arms and the female species will be #SpellBound – [Insert Twilight Fans and a vision of Edward in the Daylight]

    The men who give up easily in fights either;
    A) Don’t care about the issue (This puts them in BIG WOMAN trouble)
    B) Are lazy and don’t care about winning as much (If this is true then they are in BIG WOMAN trouble for thinking it is a competition, not important discussion)
    C) Know that Women are always right, so it is pointless.

    ML
    x

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Glitter as a diversion – have to say that is a new trick. Just have no real response from that other than to run away – fast. It’s too much like one of the clown tricks, next you’ll be pulling those endless hankies out of your pocket and you’ve already got the bright red cheeks from all that whistle blowing. I’d be terrified that the taxi that pulled up would be one of those little clown cars where they all pile out honking horns and spraying seltzer. Really truly don’t like clowns – they scare me A LOT!!

    I think I’ve figured out your angle however – if you give this kind of advice out to men and they are foolish enough to follow it [although I will pay the taking a pic and posting to Facebook idea – VERY CLEVER and something I’m going to use myself] that will leave you looking much better in the eyes of your wife and female friends as you can shake your head and say – I can’t believe how badly some men carry on!!! Very Machiavellian of you.

    Of course there is always the angle that articles like this generate a huge amount of traffic with a readership as large as yours, add in the re-blogs that will come from it you can pull in others who may not yet be part of you audience group.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Guess I’m not like most females then. Don’t like athletic/active men (because then that means I have to be too. lol!), I don’t think men don’t cook or clean because my other hald does all that too (I cook on weekdays and he does the weekends…he’s a better cook then me), I don’t like flashy things (I like rock t-shirts, dark jeans, tennis shoes, and hardly wear make up or jewelery). I like watching wrestling, and some football. I guess I’m not normal. lol!

    Liked by 2 people

  34. wow..okay. Well apparently people enjoy this conversation even if its been had a million times, even if the stereotypes and gags lack originality and it offers zero insight on the human condition. Apparently the old punchlines about lazy men and cunning women just never get old. I don’t know how you get people to read this crap but you do–I did. There’s a minute I’ll never get back.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Well played, sir. I shsll have to remember this sage advice the next time I engage in a romantic encounter with the fairer sex. BTW, how much does two pockets full of glitter go for these days?

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Lol, I just can’t with you, OM…LMFAOO. “Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.” Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  37. After 35+ years of marriage I have found the easiest way to handle a budding argument is to slip into my alternate dimension until the moment has passed. The only time is has ever failed is when I slip back too soon. Hang in there, she just read this, i have to slip out for a moment…

    Liked by 3 people

  38. Too funny! I just told my 15 year old son to remove the word “cute” from his vocabulary. After 15 minutes of arguing whether a woman wants to be called cute, hot, gorgeous or beautiful, he got it. Now I need to buy his some glitter. LOL 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  39. My dear friend from Georgia said if a woman ever comes up to you with a knife, and intends to use it for violence and not to chop vegetables, that you should run to the sink and start doing dishes. He said it works every time. And, he is a retired military badass!
    Also, I recently had a man say to me that he can confidently say, based on his many worldly experiences, that he knows “all women”. I asked my friend in Georgia what he thought about the phrase. He said, with his Georgia drawl, “Well, I haven’t met all women, so I would say that I don’t agree with that statement.”
    All men and women are NOT created alike. Thank heavens for that!

    Liked by 2 people

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