Knowing your hate

Blogs are here for us to vent right? I’ve used mine for that reason because this website reflects my life. It shows what I’m thinking about.

This Korean adoption story is really hitting me. I feel like it is also a sign I should find time to start doing some real writing again. His story is all of our story because it is the struggle. It is our lives.

I’ve stopped imagining what a happy ending would be like. People would send me stories all the time about adoptees reuniting with their birth mothers. They stopped when I just wouldn’t respond back. You can watch a million happy endings and it doesn’t create one for you. It just makes you fucking sad.

I hope this guy can reunite with his birth mother and they can help each other. Forty years is a long, long time though for wounds to fester and I don’t know the mindset of this guy. I can only guess. I hope he is in a better place by the end of his journey and his kids also get to be reunited with him.

I know my hate. After thirty five years of growth, thirty two years of adoption, five years of true struggle, and many years to come of acceptance… I know my hate. I know why I hate my birth mom and I know why that hate isn’t going anywhere. It reappears with the morning and ferments with an evening glass of wine. It is a part of me, how it is a part of me. We deserve each other because of all we have been through and happy endings don’t matter to us. They are only in stories.

Jason Chandler Cushman

Ahn Soo Jin

-Opinionated Man


27 thoughts on “Knowing your hate

  1. Pingback: The Weekly Headlines – My Daily Musing

  2. My sister was adopted, and a few years ago, she found her birth mom. There is not always a happy ending. My sister still killed herself with alcohol and drugs, she died angry that her birth mother refused to tell her her fathers name. So, sometimes there are no happy endings, only sadness. I wish she would never have looked, because on her deathbed she told my mother she wished her real mother was there with her. It destroyed the woman who honestly and truly tried to give her a good life, and succeeded, at least until puberty threw her common sense out the window. Another girl I know found her birth mother and the woman told her she never wanted to meet her and to leave her alone. Sometimes, there is no happy at the end of the rainbow. Be content that you are your own beautiful person, who writes excellent blogs and seems to have their shit together more than these mothers I spoke of had. Peace. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I can relate to the hate. Your title got my attention because just before I signed in I was thinking again about something pertaining to my very narcissistic and nasty sister and thought, “God, I have never hated anyone so much in my life.”

    Honestly I would like to stop feeling such hate although I have no interest or plans of ever forgiving her. It’s just that (and this is just me, I’m not telling you or anyone else what to do or even making suggestions) I can’t stand the way the hate makes ME feel. I’d much rather be indifferent so it doesn’t take up so much of my head, heart and spirit.

    But as I said, I relate because I do feel hate for ‘blood.’

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can’t find any words that seem worthy to respond with, but feel like I have to respond. I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like. Just sending compassion and hope for inner peace your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I read a piece about the deported adoptee just this morning and my thoughts got out to him and also to you Jason. However I just want to say that I feel your sentence: ” It reappears with the morning and ferments with an evening glass of wine” , just as a stand alone sentence is remarkable and works extremely effectively in your context as well as for many other contexts in my life. Hate can be a demoralizing thing but it can also me a close and familiar acquaintance and,in my case, one I will not abandon.

    The sentence is like a little black dress; you can dress it up and dress it down to go anywhere and always it will cause notice. ~~dru~~

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think it is good and healing to accept one’s shadow. Hate and other negative feelings have a right to be and we all have to find our own solutions. I am not adopted but have been abused in my family which is a kind of abandonment too. I know I cannot change anything of my story and even coming to terms with things doesn’t mean I can let go of all feelings of hate, anger and frustration. It would feel like I would let down the girl I have been who has fought so hard to survive. I think you use your hate well and create many posts that help a lot of readers.

    Liked by 3 people

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