1 – Agree with everything they say except for the next to last item. You don’t want them thinking you are just mindlessly nodding (even though you are), but you also want to end every conversation on an agreement… to prevent further conversation. Obviously.
2 – “Does this make me look fat?” This seems to be the staple question which causes men issues. It is also easy to avoid with a strong statement in return! “FIRE!!!”
3 – Whenever a woman asks you a question she generally already knows the answer. Actually… she always knows the answer. By assuming she does we can easily hedge our bets with our responses. “Did you use my towel AGAIN?” can easily be countered with “Did someone use your towel?” When she lets you know someone did indeed use her towel THEN you can admit your guilt. It is always best to find out if fault was done before accepting said fault.
4 – Ignorance is bliss. Men forget that we actually don’t have to know everything. We also get to use the ignorance card at least once… for every subject known to man! And if your wife or significant other is forgetful sometimes you get to use a mulligan!
5 – I am sure many of you have read the articles on “gifts” and the pyramid scheme that comes with gift giving within a relationship. Some men have a very hard time with this concept and it shouldn’t be difficult. Many corporations are actually helping us out! Target, for instance, has sections that are labeled by dollar amount! So if your first gift is from the $1 section… guess where your second gift comes from? You got it now! Go and be a relationship star! Don’t get to the lingerie till well past gift 5,000…
6 – Women love to love things. Often we replace the object of their want with a lesser want… that requires lesser care. For instance, when they want a baby lots of men get them a dog. That is foolish because dogs are a ton of work! You know what isn’t a ton of work? A bonsai tree! Those things literally never change for centuries! I had one and I couldn’t even tell if it was alive! Also if you plant it for her you get the added bonus of letting her know your love is growing each day. BOOM! Big points! You might even get an extra slice of bacon!
7 – Any woman that loves animals, but won’t eat animals is probably a vampire. Have you ever seen a vampire actually eat an animal? Exactly…
8 – Cooking is the way to a woman’s heart. Cook well and you can get away with chores that are a month old. Cook badly and you better get your ass on those chores immediately.
9 – When women go to the restroom together it is either to talk shit about us, talk shit about Gary, or someone has to cry. Regardless, you can always judge the ending result by the mood of the group when they come back. If it suddenly feels like a showdown from Tombstone… you may want to make a quick exit!
10 – Don’t ever listen to that one friend that claims to be an expert on women. Especially if his name is Jeff. Jeffs don’t know shit…
11 – Women try to push men to go out with their friends so they don’t feel guilty for doing the same thing. Instead of taking those freebies save them like PTO at work! Then one day announce you are going fishing and you will return with the second full moon.
12 – It isn’t always about what you know in a relationship, but rather what you don’t know. Isn’t that what always gets highlighted? The way around this is of course to always have something on hand that you do know! “Honey do you know why the dishwasher won’t start anymore?” No… but did you know the radius of Mars is 2,106 miles? Her mind will be so blown she’ll forget her question. Trust me.
13 – Often women use other women as examples to get what they want! “Cindy’s husband just bought her a stallion. Beats the shit out of the bonsai tree you got me…” might be said to you one day. Particularly if you follow this blog and actually listen to me. I never understood why men don’t play this game right back! “Well Jim’s wife, Cindy, got him a new speedboat. I like boats.” See how smoothly that was done? Practice makes perfect fellas and doing some trial runs in front of the mirror is always a great idea. Be sure of yourself and it will work. We will all meet at the cove in our new ships!
14 – Women don’t mind when men go and do “guy things,” but they do care when we have FUN doing things without them. That is why everything has to suck. Everything. Must. Suck. “How was your time at the bar baby?” AWEFUL! There were all male waiters, they only showed Tom Baby and the Patriots, and somehow I got a vege burger… how was your night? After that she won’t really care that you went out. In fact she might actually feel sorry for you!!! WIN – WIN!
15 – Women have playbooks and women books too. The difference is… they publish them and you can find them in the bookstore. The problem of course is… who the hell is going to read all that nonsense? I did find that reading the cliff notes helps. Just read the first and last sentence of each paragraph. They teach you that in school actually.
16 – Do women eat? Often women won’t eat while dating or at the beginning of the relationship. This is of course a front and a lie! They are merely biding their time before they are stealing your last French Fry and wondering if you are going to eat all that steak. Because obviously their salad isn’t filling them up and your food is their food right? WRONG! Always order food for an imaginary person just in case. If you are truly classy and you are going through a drive-through simply get a few extra dollar burgers. The minute she tries to eat yours or steal a fry stop her! Give her a WHOLE BURGER INSTEAD! Isn’t that love?
17 – Women are passionate creatures and men are passionate once a year. Relationships where the passion aligns obviously work best right? That is where the mood hat you got her will come into play. Not a mood ring… those are too small and can give false signals. A mood hat is similar, but the stones have been fashioned into tiny helmets! These will blink different colors according to their moods. Now we don’t have to guess anymore or go by the time of the month…
~To Be Continued~
(Opinionated Man has a degree in relationship studies from the Intergalactic Academy of Women)