Just Once

If I could have one wish it would be to see you once more. To feel what it is like to belong for a change. Just once, just one time I wish I could reach through the window of my heart and touch your memory. Bringing you to life, more alive than you have ever been. More alive than you are in my soundless dreams, dreams where nothing seems to be as it should.

How can I know your heart when I don’t even know your name for sure. I hang a picture of your image unsure if that image is really you. But it has to be. I have made it you even if it is someone else. You are never more real than when I long for you. A longing so strong, so constant that it takes the sound of a cry in the night. A Korean cry from a Korean boy that died long ago. A somber sound of dying hope and the snuffing of memories that may not be.

Do you remember me in the night? Am I a memory that you struggle with, a memory that you hope is not real? Do you remember my name? What is it? Please give me back my identity with my Korean heart. Just once let me know you really exist. Just once let me finally know where I came from. I want to hold your hand once more. The only hand that haunts my memory. I miss you so much and the pain comes in waves. It causes me to run from the memory of Busan shores. It causes me to hate her a little more. It causes me to feel like I am more alive and because of that, just this once… I hope to die.







16 thoughts on “Just Once

  1. I wish that there was a system where siblings had to stay together and I know it might sound wrong but in my I wish that people were only a loud to adopt their own..if that is wrong of me I am sorry.. but I have never seen a black family able to adopt a white baby or child but I feel like they ( white) can adopt any nationality they want and it’s okay.. I am sorry for your pain..and I wish you could find your birth sister to give you peace.. I just feel this adoption system is all wrong..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I liked this post because that’s what you do to show your support here on WP. But it felt strange to like this because it made me very sad. Your writing creates such an emotional reaction Jason. I hope that one day you find peace in this area of your life. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is beautiful and heartbreaking Jason. I ask this question because I don’t know the answer. Because I have no frame of reference. And if I’m out of line, please say so. Do your parents help you deal with the issues that haunt you now? Are they part of the problem or part of the solution?

    Liked by 1 person

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