Depression Settles at the Bottom

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I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

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46 thoughts on “Depression Settles at the Bottom

  1. I can really relate to your post. Beautifully written! I’ve been through depression and I am glad to have come across your post.I am not much of a writer, yet I started blogging because I really needed a platform to channelize my inner feelings. Keep up your good work. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My sister told me not to tell her about my depression or urges anymore because she couldn’t do anything about them and just to ask her to pray for me. Sigh. So needless to say I will never tell her anything again. I realize it’s more about her uncomfortableness with my depression than anything. I haven’t had depression in a long time but in the past 6 months it’s reared it’s ugly head. Platitudes just piss me off.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. To me, your description of depression seems to result from the knocks of life, which would make it quite understandable. When we are hit with bad things, it gets us down. To some degree we do have to take control of it. I also believe we have choices. I choose to be happy.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Do I know that feeling all to well.. and I don’t want people to tell me mainly my mom I’m not depressed or stop claiming it.. Yea this what I want to claim in my life..Not!! The sad part is for me I live with everyday knowing it’s there.. freakin crazy..

    Liked by 1 person

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