Hello… Who the Fuck is there?!?

Disclaimer: Language (if you couldn’t figure that out from the title I got nothing for you…)

Sometimes even I do things that are just dumb as shit…

Last week I was working on my mental checklist and decided to clean out our closet that the wife and I share. The kids were at school and my wife was working in the office so I put the alarm on and went upstairs to tackle the mess below our hangers. As I normally do while working alone, I turned on youtube on my phone and set the volume to full blast. It helps me groove to have music going and I get lost in whatever task I am doing. Before long I had everything cleared out and was neatly organizing my wife’s shoes on the new shoe organizers I had brought up. I had some boxes set aside for storage in the guest closet and the pile of junk began to steadily grow.

I grabbed a few boxes and some random items of clutter as I walked out of the closet, through our bathroom, and into the guest room nearby. After dropping the stuff into the waiting Tupperware bins, I turned around for a second load. I walked into our room and made my way back into the bathroom. As I was about to step into the closet I heard the strangest noise. It was the sound an old closet makes in horror movies when it is slowly being opened and it lets out a screech of protest right before the Asian guy dies. I immediately froze.

“Hello…” I called out.

No response.

“Who the FUCK is there?” I said as I started to get worried. My heart began to beat me to death as I suddenly went into protective mode. I quickly ran into the toilet area of our bathroom because there was an extra door. I stood there for a second peaking around the corner waiting for the horror that was sure to come. After a couple seconds I quickly darted around the corner back into the closet and reached up onto my shelf for the weapons I have hidden there.

“Motherfucker!” I muttered in disgust as I realized I only had my baby pocketknife upstairs at the moment… the one fucking moment I needed protection. “You have to be fucking kidding me!” I continued to rant quietly to myself as I opened the pocket knife up.

I crouched into my ready stance and began to prepare myself for the combo move I would do. Just when I thought I would go crazy from the anxiety I heard another sound…

“HELLO… it’s me…”

It had been a song all along. I felt so stupid. I didn’t tell my wife about  it till last night.

-Opinionated Man




29 thoughts on “Hello… Who the Fuck is there?!?

  1. I joined some tattoo social media thing looking for tattoo ideas. It has an app.. I rarely open this app and rarely get notifications from it. When I do get a notification, it’s not the normal little ding as from other apps.. it’s a man’s voice (I think maybe Ami James?) saying “hey”, real short and matter of fact.. so, imagine, my first Friday alone in the house in a very long time.. having a good ole time cleaning my kitchen when suddenly I hear a guy’s voice saying HEY! Spooked the shit out of me! I was looking all over, quietly, waiting to hear it again. My house is small, no one is just going to sneak up on me, esp in my kitchen but still.. where the hell is it coming from?? Oh yeah.. my back pocket! LOL I need to change the settings!

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