The Day I Gave Zero Fucks

Disclaimer: Language. Buy a clue from the title.



“Jesus, that better be Publisher’s Clearing House with a giant ass check,” I mumbled to myself as I got to the door.

It wasn’t.

“Hello Son! Is your father home?” an overly cheerful man in a suit too large for him said to me.

I attempted to let him see me roll my eyes, but my Asianness got in the way. “Sure, let me get him,” I said as I closed the door and walked away. I got my things ready for work and went to the garage. As I pulled my car out I remembered to wave at the silly man still standing at my door waiting for my father.

It was a bright day, a sunny day full of cheerfulness and I was having none of it. I made sure to hit a few butterflies with my car just to spread my own form of joy around. Nothing says happy like crushed happiness if you ask me.

It wasn’t long before I ran into another Colorado driver… or should I say “got stuck behind.” The worst part was it wasn’t a driver of a car, it was a guy on a bike. Sure this guy may have been big enough to represent a car, but his bike didn’t in my opinion. I began to fall asleep while waiting for him to huff his butt up the hill and I allowed my forehead to gently massage the horn till it startled even me. The biker didn’t care and I kept driving with my head on the horn hoping I didn’t hit him.

The biker disappeared at some point. He either turned or that wasn’t a speedbump I ran over. Either way I was again on my merry way and a trail of butterflies again tracked my progress. I was hungry so I stopped through a drive through to get some greasy goodness. There wasn’t a line, only one car, so I waited my turn with my anticipation growing. It grew and grew as I waited longer and longer.

“Holy shit! Are you ordering every fucking thing on the menu you jackrabbit. Go inside with that kinda nonsense!” I screamed in my car.

“What?” a voice responded to me.

I hadn’t remembered my window was down…

“I said move your ass!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yelled like it was a celebration. I get hangry when I am hungry. Hangry people shouldn’t be messed with.

A few minutes later and twenty French fries heavier I was on my way jamming to Katy Perry. My mood was instantly improving with the consumption of food and I was beginning to feel like life was worth living again. That is until I hit the highway and a rock in turn hit my windshield!

I cried out, “You stupid piece of natural shit” as I fumed at the newly formed crack in my window. My car began to whine a little bit at the abuse it was receiving and I sympathetically told her it would be OK. We were going to be OK!

To Be Continued…

(This is fiction. Settle down people)




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