16 Pages of Pain

I wrote sixteen pages of pain today. It felt like removing a scab again and again. I feel dirty all over my skin and the tension in my neck hurts. These are the side effects of writing your true self.

One day I’d love to write a book for fun. Today I write the book I need to write instead. It must be written, it is being written, and I hate each line. Reliving the past is never easy and reliving pain is even less fun. I need to take a break from breaking myself apart.

They say you are supposed to feel a release from writing your past. Something is supposed to close, a book of life or something, I really don’t know. The only release I feel is when I finally stay my sprinting fingers for a moment and give my mind a rest. It rests with my soul as it murmurs “must we go on?”

Yes, we must. It has to be done.




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23 thoughts on “16 Pages of Pain

  1. II can’t explain it perfectly, but it seems to me that there is a sense in which your whole blog has been a part of the journey begun now in these 16 pages. It is as if you were preparing the ground for it. Of course you were also doing a lot more with your blog during those years, to put it mildly!

    Jason, are there any Spoken Word venues available to you? There have to be – I mean, they are practically everywhere now. I ask because of a strong opinion (in my role as Claire, World Expert) that reading selected portions of either the anticipated completed version, and/or the present long excerpt to a live audience will be a powerfully affirming experience for you (and them!). I wonder if your story will really be told until it jumps off the page to literally come out of your mouth.

    Also, I think your style of writing (the content is a given) is particularly well-suited for Spoken Word. The immediacy, the intimacy, the rawness that your writing has developed here will thrive via your voice, your physical body, and your PRESENCE AS A WITNESS.
    Some voices are born for that mutual, living exchange, and I truly that think yours is one of them.

    Please forgive me if you already know this, but as Claire the World Expert on All I Survey, I can’t resist passing it on, just in case. FYI, starting off in Spoken Word is as easy as falling off a log.You literally just walk in and sign up, usually on the night of. You will be a hit, I promise – just by reading. Period. Nothing else.
    Soon (sometimes immediately!) you start getting invited to more selective venues for specifically scheduled readers, which are publicized as such.

    So. I keep thinking you live in Denver, right – or is it Phoenix? (Madrid? Jersey City? Liverpool? Prague? South Park? Okay, okay! Just let me quickly mention Cincinn -) Drat.

    Seriously, if it is Denver I know I can send you a list of Spoken Word events, and maybe other readers can check out venues too.

    Your fan from Cincinn – I mean New Mexico,

    Claire O’B

    P.S. I’m sorry if I’ve picked an insensitive time to send you, well, bossy seems a bit harsh, however accurate – okay, bossy advice. It may also turn out to be dumb, and could be trailed by a couple of my lame, smartass jokes, which tagged along when I turned my back on them ever so briefly.

    The truth is, I began to cry as soon as you trusted the outstretched hand in your last post, and I didn’t stop crying when I finished reading it. Then I thought of a room of people finally reflecting the authenticity of your experience back to you, with an applause expressing the honor of being witness to it. I have seen this happen when the courage of a writer’s journey through pain actually brings people to their feet as they stand to welcome him home.
    Go get ’em, Slugger.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I know of spoken word and I do live in Denver. It is a great idea except for one small issue… I don’t speak in front of large groups. I absolutely abhor it lol. I’ve done it lots of times too, for the record, since I was young and I’ve gotten to the point where I avoid crowds if I can. Speaking of front of large groups is scary stuff lol! 😄😉


      • . So much for being a World Expert. I’m sorry about that. I just really wanted you to feel better (of course I knew you know of spoken word, just unsure if you’d considered doing it) but fear of speaking to groups was one thing I never thought of.
        I guess human feelings emerge on their own terms, not in response to someone else’s urge to change them, even for the better. Hmm..I should be having deeper insights than that at my age.

        Congratulations on your comittment to such really difficult work.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I found I didn’t get any relief until I was completely finished digging it all up and getting it down on paper. I thought, as you, that I should get some relief as each event was written up in a neat tidy package but it didn’t work out that way. It is all worth it in the end. At least it was for me! I wish you well on your journey.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I don’t think the release is necessarily instantaneous, but I do beleive that it helps soothing the pain with a little time. At the time you put things in words, you have to somehow re-live those events and those emotions… Explaining in part your Ow-neck 😉 Good luck with your next writting sessions 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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