1 – People are always telling me about this metabolism that is going to catch up with me. First it was at 30, now it is at 40. I sure hope Metabolism is a scary sonofabitch from all this hype. I wonder if he knows my friend Crohns.
2 – I can’t wait to start sharing “back in my day” stories. The ones you hear now are boring about walking through snow and a forest to get to school. Please. Try “I walked past Crips, Bloods, and Neo Nazis to school… and I was Asian.” Heard that one before?
3 – At what point can I start blaming things on hearing loss… because I already started.
4 – I can’t wait till people don’t expect you to be quick or fast at things. “It is ok… He is old.” I can’t wait for that.
5 – I am confident at some point I’ll look old enough that these damn recruiters will leave me alone. “Wanna serve your country son?” No thanks I am 35 and already did. Yes I am sure of my age… I said yes dammit! No, not yes I want to join…
6 – I can’t wait for the age where people just leave you alone about stuff. Your health, looks, or whatever can be failing and they will just say “hey, he is old. Leave him alone. So what if he wants to smoke a cigar at 6 am. Scotch is good for your bones at his age.”
7 – At what age do they stop asking for my ID at the bar. I want that age.
8 – At 40 I plan to practice my sleeping act. Pretending to sleep is the best way of gaining alone time in life.
9 – I plan on drinking more martinis when I go out at 40. I am just at the cusp of where that can be cool or not. Right now I just look awkward when I drink one in public.
10 – I am done being right handed. At 40 I will switch to my left hand and make life really interesting.
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