Depression Settles at the Bottom

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I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile so it looks just right, fix your attitude so it fits your new smile, and while we are at it let’s fix your past so you can finally move on. Depression? Take these meds, a few more pills. Lay back down on this couch… aren’t you comfortable yet? Tell me about your problems so I can tell you why they aren’t really issues. Let me know all your concerns so I can explain how you created them. Men and women in white coats scribbling your life away in a second. Trying to find the answers when we don’t even know the question.

Depression settles at the bottom. It never goes away. It never “finally leaves.” When happiness slams the door who is the first to notice and peep their head from waiting closet? Who knows just the right words to whisper in your ear so that you question the answers you once had?

Feelings come like a shaking sun and all you can do is stand there in your crystal prison and wait.

Waiting for depression to settle once more.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

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123 thoughts on “Depression Settles at the Bottom

  1. This was like you just read my mind. I can understand so much.
    My analogy is that it’s like lifting a mountain so heavy it’s almost impossible to move and no one understands how to. People can’t help because they’re too busy lifting their own mountains, even if they’re smaller than yours. People can try but they don’t understand the sheer scale and proportions of yuor mountain unless they have felt the same way.

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  2. Hi. Sorry to hear about your experience. Thanks for illustrating it because it has helped me to allow mine to settle on the bottom. I keep asking it to move around. I keep poking at it. It really doesn’t like it very much. It feels good to know it can settle on the bottom where it wants to. https://unbreakablejoy.wordpress.com/. I’m blogging as well to understand and learn about my intuition and spirit. These aspects of me help the slower, heavier aspects. Take care.

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  3. Hi I can completely relate to everything you wrote and I feel you have a very good command over the language and you can make people feel things and introspect by reading your words.
    While my writing isn’t mature like yours is and I am aim to achieve that one day. I wrote a post recently about the same and would love it if you tell me your views about the article I wrote – https://priyampande.com/2017/04/17/my-views-on-13-reasons-why/

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  4. Very wise words for me my depression is stress activated so its more like a chip pan fire, but when im unable to contol it it becones more like a brush fire laying waist to everytjing in its past until i get my contol back and it dies dow to a chip pan fire again.

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  5. Pingback: Depression: Tired | odd little rants

  6. This for me brings a new light to my view of depression. It reflected what I am really feeling whenever I’m having those times. Staring at the falling snowflakes surrounding you, waiting for them to settle down. One of the best description I’ve read!

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  7. Firstly Jason I hope your interview went well and well done for speaking out about your suffering. The more open people become the more the stigma is removed, people like you can be a light for many. Was going to add my own bit on “how would you respond?” but alas was too late – darn work getting in the way again. Nice piece here, Cheers and stay strong, John / MM 🍀

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  8. I never thought of depression in this way before and I suffer from just horrid depression. I always feel it’s a big pit I’ve fallen in and I have to claw my way out.When my door to happiness opens I never trust it cause I know I’ll fall into that pit again. Thank God I have some tools to help me out of it on occasion to have a few good days. Sometimes I think if it wasn’t for the bad in life we would never appreciate the joys.

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  9. Damn. Is it wrong of me to love the way you described it? This is why I love reading your posts. They always evoke so much thought and imagery and… your ramblings give my wordpress feed life. As always, your take on it is so much different from others I hear. I’ve always described it as a mood that settles. Not wanting to die, but not wanting to live either. Some might argue that it isn’t a life, but they don’t understand the “okay with it” part. Quietly accepting it as it comes… Just… yes. That.

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  10. I agree with this analogy. It does seem as if it is always there. Anything that can remind you of it; it’s evilness washing over you and is apparent hat it’s there. It’s so quickly to come about that you’re unsure if it has even left at all.

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  11. “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” — Pema Chodron

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  12. I have the same affliction. Sometimes better than others. I never thought about it “settling”. But that is exactly right. It never truly goes away. Most people do not understand this. Thank you for sharing this point of view Jason. Elegantly expressed.

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  13. great description. Depression is not one of my battles and it is challenging to understand. I do have moments when I feel depressed, but I can always “pull myself up by the bootstraps”. You have helped me understand what it feels like on the other side of that globe. Thank you. You are a brave person and I am happy you are around to share your Opinions!

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  14. Pingback: Depression Settles at the Bottom — | Red Pill Nation

  15. This seems quiet different from what you normally write. I actually stood in a busy canteen looking up thinking about this piece. I love the the line “who questions the answers you once had” its too amazing. Thank you for this

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  16. Jason, totally get it. I have finally learned that all I get when I try to climb out of it is broken fingers. The waiting of the settling is difficult, but it does settle. Seems to take longer the older I get.
    Thank you for this poetic analogy of what the entrapment feels like.

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  17. Jason, the way have you talked about your battle against depression and the trauma caused by finding out about your parentage, does credit to your bravery and honesty. I was dismayed to read of your suicide attempt and know that such deep depression can’t be fixed so simply. I know from people close to me that depression never really goes away. But I hope that your life now, and for many years to come, is filled with the love and understanding that your lovely wife and daughters bring.

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  18. One of the best descriptions of depression I’ve ever read – and of the dismay that the “white coats” never seem to quite get it. WELL done and well written. Kudos.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

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  19. Jason I can see that, but to me it feels like oppression. Like I am in a hole and the dirt is being shoveled in. I am there now. The dirt is so thick I can barely breathe and don’t particularly want to breathe anymore. I am looking at another hospital stay if my prescriber can’t find the right cocktail of meds.

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  20. I’ve never hear depression described like a snow globe but truly this is how it feels for me. Things settle and for a moment things and crystal clear but it only takes but a small vibration in the water and those snowflakes stir up. Thank you for writing this.

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  21. Being in a snow globe is a perfect analogy – however clear things may look for a while, depression is always there just waiting to be shaken up again, and once that happens all we can do is be still and calm until it all settles back down. But one way or another we always remain stuck in our snow globe, watching and waiting for the next shake-up… 🙂

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  22. Amazing post Jason! I love the analogy of the snow globe and depression. I agree… mental health issues don’t just go away. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for panic to strike again. I’m recovered, but even so, it’s still there. Take care!

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  23. I know I’ve had my episodes of depression, especially after my first roommate left me my Freshman year (I tend to be clingy sometimes). The first thing my university did was send me to the counselor they had because they thought my way of talking to myself was a problem they had to fix. (Note: I wasn’t talking to myself. I was thinking out loud) So, I totally understand what you were saying about how people always want to fix things and ask you to tell them about your problems so they can tell you how they aren’t really issues. I totally understand because I’ve been there and I’ve experienced that. Thanks for opening up about your take on depression. I found it quite interesting 🙂

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  24. Huge hugs my friend. I know this feeling, and if I had a magic wand I would take it away. All I can offer you is some understanding, my own perspective with the hope that you know you are not alone. In fact from a lot of other blogs that I’ve read you are in some very fine company. 😉 If you like …read a post I wrote titled “When Your Soul Cries” G-uno

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  25. I don’t know what to say, but I’m glad that you are a live. I try always to not talk about depression because i have been there my self and it is still hard to talk about it. stay strong Jason you are cool and I i’m glad that I met you online! 🙂

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  26. I think you have depression with co-morbid GAD, and you have insight into those problems. Giving medication, ECT, or even therapies, may help, but easy to sink into that quagmire. Not an easy thing to go for insight trip. Well, I am not an expert in this.

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