Adoption – Don’t tell me how “Selfless” Birth Mothers Are

I read a ton of adoption articles and posts. I continuously see the words “the birth mother was so selfless in the adoption process.” I can’t swallow that. Granted some women are in a hard place and their action is what is best for them at the time, but don’t feed me the line “she was selfless.” If anything we might as well change that to “selfish” since the decision is about her. To claim the decision is about the child when that child is not yet even born yet is idiotic to me. I can’t accept that.

As an adoptee I understand the feeling of rejection that often comes with the realization that you were given up. We have TV to thank for providing a myriad of “reasons” why this takes place, but ONLY one reason is ever the “true” reason per individual. That is what many people just don’t get when they speak of adoption and adoptees. They don’t understand that hypotheticals and “what ifs” don’t mean shit to us. They just don’t and they provide zero comfort at night.

When I reflect upon my life I often wonder “what would have been” had I never gone to Korea in 2000 and found out about the existence of my birth mother and birth sister. Would the plans and dreams I had already meticulously laid out have come to fruition or would some curveball have come that would have ensured my feet landed in the exact spot I am today. Who can say? I do know that I feel very little value in the knowledge gained and in turn I carry a huge burden because of that day. That period in my life helped solidify my hatred for my birth mother. It may be a cold hate, dormant even, but it is still hatred. It flares up every time I read the words “the birth mother was selfless.” In my case she wasn’t, she was a selfish termagant.

-Opinionated Man

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246 thoughts on “Adoption – Don’t tell me how “Selfless” Birth Mothers Are

  1. I adopted a boy when he was 15. He’d been through the foster care system since he was 3 and had a failed adoption before I met him. I agree that most of the birth mothers are selfish not selfless. His mother was a drug addict who would not give up drugs to care for her 4 children. The kids were removed and split up and the only girl died within a year.
    The boys did get to know each other when they were still just little kids but they all had different families. And their birth mother stayed on drugs until she was hit by a car while high and was severely injured. Now that she’s brain damaged she expects her biological kids to forgive her and accept her as their “real” mom.
    I can understand the resentment and even hatred adopted kids have for their birth parents, especially when those kids know the circumstances and know that there was no “good” reason to give up their babies.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You know, I have never heard it put the way you have described about the birth mom being selfless. In your perspective selfish. I think you definitely have a point in explaining your reasoning. Do you have memories of her at all?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was not legally adopted but had been given to away when I was just three days old. I could never understand how you can spend three days with your newborn and then give them away. When I had my first child, I instantly fell in love with her and could understand even less on how my mother just gave me away. I didn’t know who my biological father was until I was about 7 years old. At the age of 14 I confronted him and told him that I knew he was my father. All he could respond with was: “I am happy that you finally know.” Never once did he make any effort from that point forward. I had confronted my biological mother on several occasions because I never understood. Apparently my father asked her to marry him and she said no, because she didn’t love him. I had an older sister that she had also given to my grandparents to raise. You tend to go through so many emotions, I had gone through feeling abandoned, to angry, to hatred and now I have reached a point in my life where I actually don’t care.

    I am not perfect, but I am a great loss to them and a wonderful gain to my new family. I don’t love my biological parents like a child should love her parents and will never. I don’t feel bad, because I was an innocent child brought into this world under those circumstances. My husband and my children are now my family. They will one day stand before God and answer to their mistakes, but at the same time, they know exactly how I feel now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I had reoccuring nightmares my whole childhood about being left by a mother I’d never me. We would be walking together in some sort of factory and she was pushing a shopping cart. I would see ahead of me to escalators going down into complete blackness and people going down them with their carts. She would look down at me and say I’ll be right back. Then she would go and leave me there and go down the escalator. I always woke up crying because I knew she would never come back. Fast forward to now. I met both natural parents at 30. Both have made new lives without me. The mother marrying and having two girls which she kept. The father disappearing again after four visits. My adoptive parents have a cold, toxic relationship. There is no one there for me. Well… I have to say i agree with your post. Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My sister and I are both adopted, but we couldn’t be more opposite on our views on the subject. She’s like you, she doesn’t want anything to do with her birth family and she’s fine living the life she’s been given. I, however, feel the need to follow the “what ifs” and make some sort of relationship with my birth mother, because I feel connected to her. I also know for a fact her decision was based solely on my safety and the fact that she couldn’t give me the life she wanted for me. Seeing as it took forever to scroll down, I’m sure you’ve had a lot of complaints/comments/debates after this post. Each adoptee is different and is entitled to their own opinion. We all have different situations, anyway. The only people who can even remotely understand are other adoptees. Birth families don’t get it, adoptive families don’t get it, and outside parties definitely don’t get it. I don’t know your situation, but I’m sorry you feel like this and that you have to carry a burden like that. I hope you find peace with the situation.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I am not an adoptee, and don’t know anyone personally that has been adopted, but I was abandoned by my biological father at age 5 so I know the hurt associated with that. I agree it is selfish for the most part. Most mothers could provide for their children in some shape or form but choose not to. Some it is necessary, and in some cases I do believe it is [mostly] selfless, but most reasons are at least a little selfish or the mothers simply can’t handle it.

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  7. I’m an adoptive mom and my daughter is 28 now. I have offered many times to help her if she wants to search, have registered her with the Soundex registry, etc. She seems to not want to talk about it. I often wonder if she has a psychic wound that I can never understand. She was given up by a teen-age mom and we got her at three days old. Her childhood was impeccable. But she definitely has some issues and some odd behavior, she’s had some therapy, has mood swings…maybe a genetic child would be the same but I wonder. I love her with all my heart and she knows this. Your blog is so thought-provoking. I think about her birth mom on my daughter’s birthday: does she think about the child she birthed every day? Are there more children: does my daughter have siblings? So many questions. All I can hope is that my daughter has a good life and overcomes whatever psychiatric issues are looming in her mind. Thank you for being so honest.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you! You have knowledge and that is the power to choose circumstance, your choice to find, find knowledge who is she? You have all the power, compartmentalize, place it all where things need to be within your mind. If one thing, I
    Could ask…even with not knowing you, or read your thoughts before.. I ask be thankful for this knowledge, your answers that has given you the choice to choose, understanding, resistance to circumstances, or call
    It all BS.. Some of us will never have the choice to find out, petition court documents if it pleases the courts.. Etc. I personally would love the choice of knowledge.

    Like

  9. Okay I am not adopted so I cannot imagine how that feels nor can I imagine giving up a child that I carried and gave birth to, my question if it is such is do you think there is a difference between the initial decision to give a child up for adoption and the way the birth mother reacts if that child shows up years later? If your birth mother had welcomed you with open arms and you believed that the choice to give you up had broken her heart but she had no realistic option would that make you feel differently about her? Sorry if the questions are not appropriate I was just curious

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is a realistic question to ask an adoptee, no matter the age. I am
      Nearing 51. I still to this day wonder why?, why me?, what was so wrong with life, that I couldn’t stay with you? New Orleans, orleans parish in 63-64 ? Hey, I could be some hookers mistake… I don’t know.. Only to answer your question, yes. Unequivocally and adopted child will always want to know who they really are, where they came from? Why? Why? Yes. I speak for myself, family members who’d always wished to know where I came from. My husband his sister.. We may not like the answer but give US THE VOICE FOR CHOICE!

      Liked by 2 people

  10. As someone who is seriously considering adopting (since many of us can’t have our “own”), this post really saddens me. I can’t understand why it’s so important that the person that biologically gave you life necessarily has to be the one that loves you. But, I guess I can’t know that, as I wasn’t adopted. I did have a father that abandoned me, though. I don’t hate him. Not even for one nanosecond. I love him, and I’m glad he left me, otherwise I would have had to deal with his cocaine habit during my childhood. Just my honest thoughts of course, Jason, and I thank you for sharing yours (as always).

    Liked by 3 people

    • I agree and understand Jami. But we will never feel the way adopted children feel, since we were never adopted or abandoned (sorry to use the term).

      I know a young woman who was adopted as a baby. She searched for her birth mother and found her… and her siblings as well. She was a middle child! That to her was devastating. She had so many questions, why me? Why not the oldest? (perhaps a product of teen pregnancy) or the youngest? (could not afford anymore). But the middle child….. what could be a strong reason a middle child has to be given up? Granted, she was the youngest back then….. but why were the subsequent or younger children that came after her NOT given up? She struggled so much with that.

      I guess to understand is to understand the opposite (this is what I do sometimes to analyze things). Though I grew up very poor and deprived of many material things, and my parents are no longer around (both died from Cancer), I still feel loved, and wanted. And no matter how ill treated by an abusive ex-husband and some prejudiced folks, I knew I was loved by my biological parents and so have a degree of self-esteem that no matter what happens, I am an important person. Important to somebody, to some people who loved me. I guess this is how to understand – to feel the opposite?

      I have a friend who has a biological daughter and later adopted a little boy (both now grown). I asked her, “Do you feel differently about your daughter and son?” She said “No, I have the same exact feeling and love for both of them. The thing is, he could very well have came out of me. That is the only difference, the only thing missing. He IS my son.”

      If we are to accept the fact (and the Truth) that my friend believes the boy is her son, then she IS the mother and not the birth mother. The birth mother is technically just the surrogate, a donor – not the REAL mother, even if she is the source of what is tangible, physical and fleeting.

      The intangible, the love, the care, the sleepless nights when the child is sick, the running and the driving around picking up the kid or picking up something for the kid, even late at night, the sweat and tears, the guidance, and the Love, the things that stay forever – are given only by those who are considered REAL PARENTS, biological or not.

      Anna

      PS.
      – Please forgive my taking the liberty to express what I feel and think about the matter.
      – If it’s any comfort, I learned that even Jesus Christ and Moses were considered adopted🙂
      – Found some nice articles on adoption:
      http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102003288?q=adopted&p=par

      Liked by 3 people

  11. The fathers can be just as selfless as the mothers. I was adopted and so was my dad, aunt, and my boyfriend. All different situations. I struggle with the fact that my mother didn’t tell me about my dad till I found my original birth certificate at 7 years old and I didn’t even see a picture of my sperm donor till a few years ago when I was 31! I just want to know why he signed over his rights (yes he was locked up) but he eventually would be released or wrote me letters or something.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Reblogged this on giannalattanzio and commented:

    I get that some people, when they are adopted, may feel resentful against their biological parents… Thinking and wondering these exact thoughts “why”, “what if “.. Everything happens for a reason you just have to be patient to find out why. I, myself was adopted when I was very little and I have been blessed with an amazing family in the process so if I could change anything I don’t think I would. I will meet my biological mother soon but even after that my family I have been with is mine, forever. Matter who gave birth to me. It’s the people that were there for me in the hard times and the people who raised me to be the person I am today. My amazing parents.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. I am adopted and I have felt that “what if” feeling if I was not… But my mom in the time that I was adopted and put up, has gotten so much better she was in a bad place when she was pregnant with me and now these years that we have had apart have gave her time to change and become a better person and I will be meeting her in two months for the first time. Everything happens for reason you just have to be patient to find out why.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have a question. If you don’t want to answer, I understand. Knowing what you know now, would you have wanted you adoptive parents to lie to you about your birth mother or to be 100% honest about the reason she gave you up for adoption? Even if they knew for a fact that her reason was, she didn’t want you. I ask because while my situation isn’t adoption, it’s one that requires the discussion of a parent not wanting his child and I struggle daily with finding the right words.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wouldn’t want my adopted parents to lie to me, but then again the way my “history” unfolded was unique. My parents gave me my adoption folder when I was young and allowed me to read it. There was not much there. It was only after I returned to Korean as an adult that I found out what I know now.

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  15. I love that you are able to articulate so well your feelings for being an adoptee. I’m sorry that you feel such hatred for your birthmother. I hope that someday that you will be able to come to terms with that hatred.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Great post. Your honesty is brutal. Raw. Thank you. I’m an adoptee AND a birthmom. It was selfish of me, but, in my defense, I was young and being TOLD my life would be better for it, and so would my child’s. No one told me the truth; that you live with it and it tortures you every day. Even 25 yrs later. As an adoptee, I don’t hate my bmom, she was probably being fed the same shit that I was.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. You cannot have it both ways. Many of the comments I have read on here towards “selfish birth mothers”, and this is putting it mildly…are the very same people who would be proclaiming from the mountain tops to take away a woman’s right to choose an abortion.
    So, to me this is hypocrisy at it’s finest. Not to mention cruel. What is it you want? This is a wonderful example in real life time of how Pro-Lifers are not Pro-Life they are Pro-Fetus and Anti-Choice.
    You are not happy with a woman if she has an abortion and she is a horrid person if she carries a child to term and places the baby for adoption.
    Please, let me know where to sign up for the “We are Perfect Foundation”.
    It seems to be filling up in here. -CC

    Liked by 4 people

    • You mean I can’t have a mom that doesn’t give their kid up for adoption or abortion? That is the majority of mothers actually. Are you honestly saying that doesn’t exist or those are outliers? The ones that actually follow through on their obligation to their children?

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      • No, I am not saying that. I am one of those. I am saying…that you cannot presume to know the circumstances of every single woman..nor should you have to or need to.
        It does not negate the pain of the child, or the mother…yes the mother in 99% of every adoption…yes there is the 1%..but here is where if it is not your own story you do not know.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Ok I get that there is a small percent that don’t for into what I said. I’ll even grant 1%. I am not in the habit of writing posts with subs at the bottom saying “unless etc etc.” As I said in the post this is directed at the phrase in the title. As for the mother the pain is hers to bear. The child should have to suffer for the sins of the father in your book? Not ever in mine.

          Like

          • All I am saying, is that if you are against abortion, how can you be so harsh on adoption.
            I understand it is highly emotional for you and I completely understand why, and in your case.
            In the case of all children not with their birth parents there is pain. At some point.
            I just think it is hypocritical to judge mothers who make that choice if you are Anti-Choice. I am not judging your anger or pain. In a perfect world no one would suffer.
            I just question the logic. Help birth mothers keep their children. I believe in that focus strongly.
            I just needed to voice my opinion. -CC

            Liked by 1 person

          • I am not against adoption. I am adopted. What this post addresses is people using the world “selfless” when talking about adoption and the birth mom. It is not a selfless act and it irks me to read those words in relationship to those situations.

            Liked by 4 people

          • I know your story. It is a selfless act to me. It is a painful act. In fact, many times, it is much better for the child to be given to someone else, but much to painful for the mother to do, and so she struggles to keep her baby.
            It is complex, like life. Some form of open adoptions are often better. I have seen the worst of the worst parents and at times been the deciding factor in court as the social worker to terminate parental rights. Children never get over that really.
            Complex. Sad. I won’t bore you with it all.
            I understand why it irks you.
            I am telling you that in most cases it can be the most selfless thing. Maybe a better way to describe it is the best thing for both baby and mother at the time. But still painful. Almost never is she a monster. From the child’s view, though, she is always the one who left. And she knows that.

            Liked by 3 people

  18. Being a kid who was adopted and choosing to hate ones parents is a choice. You know how much I am totally for most of your writing but, this time.. I have to say most people on some level hate their parents for a number of reasons. Even when they are raised by them. My niece was sold, not adopted. And she loves her birth mother for reasons I can’t understand. My birth mother and I are not close. My adoptive mother and I are inseparable. It all comes down to no matter how crappy your cards are, it is they way you play them. You are amazing.. I have said it before, and will more than likely say it again.
    Don’t sit in hatred, it darkens you. It takes away you ability to inspire. You have too much to offer to let anyone steal that joy.
    This is the words of Rowen. :-p

    Liked by 3 people

      • Every wound has a door. Some are just harder to find. I have first hand with that. It took a stranger to help me heal from my childhood terror. And it was completely random. I have thought many times how I would have healed without that chance encounter…. I don’t think I could have. Don’t give up looking. It is easy to focus on the hurt, it is so much harder to hold joy.

        Liked by 4 people

  19. I totally see what you are saying, especially with your background of being ‘given away’. But there is also a ‘being taken away’ or ‘being forced to give away’. So I think it is a bit harsh to say that every birth mom who gives her baby away is selfish.
    I am sure there are many of them but there are also some that have no saying, no chance. Some that would love to keep the baby but are forced to give it away. Yes, you can force a mom to give the baby away. And they are also forced to stay away for a number of years. Actually until the point where the child wants to get in touch. And for them it is traumatizing as well. So I don’t think you can call all of them selfish. And it happened in so called civilized countries…

    Liked by 3 people

  20. As someone who was also adopted, I understand where you’re coming from. My I was given up after my biological parents divorced. Pretty sure I was the result of a last-ditch effort at saving a marriage. They must’ve thought that bringing a screaming baby into the world would fix everything. It didn’t.

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  21. Just kind of perusing and ran across this. I am so sorry to hear how painful this has been for you. I’ve never actually heard anyone refer to birth mothers as selfless. That’s not a word I would have chosen. I have heard the absolutes–like no good mother would ever give up a child, etc. I hate that kind of thing. My girls are both adopted. The adoptions are open and we have contact with both birth mothers and with their mothers. One thing that we were told repeatedly when we went through the training before adopting is that giving a child up (I’m assuming in many cases–I’ll refrain from absolutes) is very painful. I see that in these two women. They still grieve today. One of them got pregnant young, and my daughter was her fourth child and she still had the other three with her. I think she was 22 or so. I sat on the steps of the hospital with her and she sobbed and sobbed. I didn’t want her to think she was obligated to me. We’d been together in the hospital for a day or so, passing my daughter around. I told her that it wasn’t too late to change her mind. I know she appreciated me at that moment, but through all this sobbing, she said, “It’s just something I have to do.” She tried to keep the other three, but I know they were in and out of foster care and I think eventually she lost them permanently. One commenter above praised her mother for the four hard years her mom put in after becoming pregnant as a teen. She talked about birth mothers in absolutes. You don’t love your child if you give them up, I think she said. It’s just not that simple.

    I think adoption advocates try to perpetuate the notion that giving a child up is selfless because another option is abortion. The stigma, the absolutes are dangerous. Folks like me? We want birth mothers to place their children rather than abort. In the process some are making a ridiculous generalization–selfless? No. Along those lines, people make couples like me out to be heroes because we’ve done so much for these poor kids. Hardly. Adoption was the only way I could be a mom.

    I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. I know my Pollyanna views of adoption must fly all over you (if you’d read my blog, you would know what I mean). Praying for you to find peace.

    Cheers.

    Liked by 6 people

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  25. I am also an adoptee and I never before thought about that phrase being bullshit. My biological mother passed away last September in my home and since then I’ve thought a lot about the state of our relationship and I thought I was content with it but this piece gives me more questions… thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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  27. My kids all come from situations where birth parents were extremely selfish and self-centered. The sad part is, I don’t know if my kids will ever realize that. As painful as it is for you, I’m glad you were able to make that trip and learn the truth.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. My mother gave me up, I resented her. (Especially when I found out that I was the eldest of four other children that she kept.

    Then I met her. Now, I’m thankful. She didn’t give me up because she “wanted” a better life for me, I was the result of teen pregnancy, and she wanted to “live her life” (waited a year, another child. Haha)

    Not every child that’s given up if for someone who can’t have a baby. I hate the media, and mothers clubs that swoon over the thought.

    Liked by 3 people

  29. I do not believe that every adoption story nor adoption situation is the same. I have met adoptees from a wide range of situations. Some like yours, some where despite literal resources the mother would be mostly powerless from keeping the child safe from a dangerous father, some of success, some of connection, some of relative indifference like my own. Perhaps you may think that I have the wool pulled over my eyes, but seeing as my parents saw other girls floating in the river in the Chinese villages where they adopted my sister and I from, I would like to think that my birth parents had more than just themselves in mind. Both my adopted parents and I are grateful for that as they couldn’t have a child of their own and I was privileged enough to be given the chance of a life I was never intended to have. I think that it is interesting to see all of the different perspectives from adoptees though because there are so many ways things can go.

    Liked by 2 people

  30. Their not selfless their fucked up, whatever the reasons, some more justifiable than others. I’m sorry to hear your going through the motions, but I understand being an adoptee myself, I’d like to think It’s the past, but its the one bitch whose biologically predisposed to care and she said fuck it, leaves an open wound. Selfless naw, preoccupied more like it. Good luck buddy, take out all that backed up love on your kids😉 She didn’t reject you, she missed out on the Mother F-ing OM for crying out loud, whose loss really😉 Cheers!

    Liked by 3 people

  31. This is something I have struggled with for months now as a birth mother.😦 I am sorry you feel that kind of rejection. I can’t speak for anyone’s birth mother, but I know I cried myself to sleep for months. It was a hard choice. I hope your heart mends and my heart truly aches to hear your pain. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

  32. I don’t know what to say to make you not feel the way you do. There is no excuse for abandoning a child, none. And your right, many times -most of the time giving up a child is selfish. My initial thoughts about keeping my child was fear of what other people would think, and that’s selfish. Today I say to hell with what people think!!! It is my deepest opinion now that every woman should keep her child, even if it means being alone, not having the finances, not having friends, not even having God. Every birthmother even if she is only 13 should keep and raise her child because that is how we grow up. Giving up a child stifles growth and maturity and that child should know where he/she came from. More on this in my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree with you to some extent however there are circumstances where keeping a child can be dangerous. For example, if my birth mother would have kept me I ran the risk of being molested and being exposed to dangerous drug situations. In instances like that, its in the best interest of the child to be removed from that situation and placed with someone who can keep them safe.

      Liked by 2 people

  33. Jason, I can offer nothing except this: your feelings on this subject may be less hurtful to you if you can find the book called: The Little Soul and the Sun by Neale Donald Walsch. It helped me to forgive and move on in my life. I really like your blog and I am sad that you are carrying this emotional burden for so long. I am sending you healing hugs ~ for you, your wife and your sweet children. May you find peace. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  34. I love your blog and read it often but I think this one is a little harsh. Carry a baby for 9 months and then hand it over to someone else and worry and wonder every moment if they are getting the better care and love you had always hoped for them. Admitting you aren’t the best chance for that child has to be hard. Sure some are selfish perhaps. Not 100% are doing it for selfless reasons. Life happens but carrying a child to term and then giving him/her to someone else takes courage in my opinion and creates a life long hole in many cases.

    Liked by 2 people

  35. I must say I was adopted and it was the most difficult thing I had to deal with. I was told when I was ten and I always say I would’ve preferred if I was never told in the first place. It made everything more difficult. Especially since my egg donor which is what I call my biological mother had 4 more kids after me. I don’t think there is ever an easy way to deal with adoption. Even if your adopted within the family.

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  36. I totally value your opinion…but, it is a one-sided opinion. Your anger, and your experiences, as an adoptee (is that the term you have embraced), is truly YOUR experience and you can’t throw all women who make the decision to give their children up for adoption into this overwhelmingly negative category as being selfish.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. I understand the abandonment and how you must have felt to learn that there was a sister too. My parents were young when I was conceived and my mother chose to grow up and face the music while my father … really sperm donor … wasn’t interested. He ‘tried’ (sort of) for a few years. He would come and go and blow off his weekends with me for a date or whatever. I remember crying at a friend’s house thinking if only I had been born a boy. When I was 7 my mom met and married the man who I ultimately think of when talking about my dad. Eventually, at my request, my father signed his rights away when I was 14. About 10 years later this girl found me on Facebook claiming to be my sister. Turns out my father was raising her on his own as his own because her mom couldn’t handle it. He had also had a son he was raising. Again there was a half hearted attempt at a relationship but I truly think his failure was too hard to live up to. Today he and I don’t speak and his other ‘daughter’ now lives with some other family member but he is raising his son. Honestly I just hope against hope he is doing right by him.

    I knew about the son before I was adopted by my dad. I was smart enough at the time to know that his choice to bail had nothing to do with me not being a boy but it hurt and I started cutting. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the experience of him being a deadbeat. Sure I can’t say for sure I wouldn’t have made the same choices ultimately because you can’t know that but there are things I refused to partake in because my father had. Not the same as a birth mom but I know I am better off for him not having been a primary parent. It hurt that he left and it can F a person up but I choose not to be angry with him any longer and I choose to believe he had my best interest at heart because it take less energy and hurts less that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Just curiously, would your adopted parents think of your birth mother as selfless? I have no personal experience with adoption, but a friend of mine who was unable to have children adopted 2 children & she frequently talks about how grateful she is to the birth mother. Obviously, it’s not a happy situation for you, as the adoptee, but I am assuming her decision brought some amount of joy to the people who had the honor of raising you and loving you.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I think it’s honestly a situational basis. On another note, the feeling of rejection and not being wanted is one of the reasons I decided to keep my daughter instead of giving her up.

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  40. I am a ‘birth mother’, but really I am just a woman. I have no right to claim I am a mother as a mother does not simply just bring a child into this world, no. They help the child to conquer it. 2 years ago I gave up my daughter. I can tell that from experience it is not a selfless act and I can understand your frustration in seeing this. The life my daughter has now is, much more than I could give her, I was 17 when I had her and she should never have to count herself lucky that she wasn’t aborted, it was never an option a life, is a life in my eyes.

    But, I can tell you honestly that my happiness and future played a large part in her adoption. And well I am a bit different because you see, I have been on both sides of the fence. I was adopted as a child also. So I too understand the abandonment.

    The guilt, emptiness and regret you feel as a ‘birth mother’ never leaves you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my child. But, I would not change the choice as I know that not only for her, it was the best choice. And I can only hope that in the future she, will understand me and accept me into her life.

    Liked by 5 people

  41. I don’t know. It seems a little harsh to judge all birth moms from your own experience. I’m sorry about what you’ve been through. I can’t imagine giving up my child. But I don’t live in a place where giving them up for adoption could mean saving their life, either. Do you not think that a mother who truly loves her kids and gains joy and peace from having them near her is giving something of herself to allow her child to be adopted into a family that can provide nutrition and education? Do you not think that those mothers are broken every day for the rest of their lives after giving up their child? That seems pretty selfless to me. I know that doesn’t apply when speaking of birth mothers that have resources or could gather resources, but I personally know a family that adopted a little girl who may not have made it if it weren’t for adoption. I can see where you’re coming from; I just hate laying blanket statements like that.

    Liked by 2 people

  42. ‘Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.’

    The first stanza of Kahlil Gibran’s chapter on Children from his prose poem, The Prophet. I’m sure many have read it.

    I’ve read and digested all the comments here – the pain, the frustration, the anger, the bewilderment- I empathise and my heart goes out to all who are struggling with self destructive emotions like anger and hatred. Though I wish you would not harm yourselves.

    I was adopted and the only feeling I have towards my birth parents, especially my mother, is gratitude. Gratitude because my birth mother brought me into this world. Gratitude because she accepted the pain to give me life. This life, here and now, in this moment, is the greatest gift I could ask for, I could be blessed with, and the only way in as it were, was via my birth mother. I chose her. Nothing is her fault. Nothing is a question of blame. Who am I to judge her reasons why? How can I possibly even begin to imagine what she was feeling or thinking or going through?

    Dear one, your life is your journey, not your mother’s, your birth mother or other. This is your life and your’s alone. We are all where we are meant to be at this moment in time. With ALL my heart, I wish all those who struggle with the choices that others have made on their behalf, the deepest love and peace.

    Liked by 4 people

  43. Never would I understand why mothers have to give up their children just because it is uncomfortable for them. I’m not only referring to adoption but worse abortion. So selfless? I don’t know. A good mother would never give up her child/ren.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A good mother would give up her child if it meant that child could eat and sleep in safety. A good mother thinks above all else about the welfare of that child even it means being separated from them. Do not be so quick to judge and do not be so quick to say never. There were women/families in World War II in England-particularly Bristol England who were given an option of giving up their children and having them taken to safety or keeping them. They gave them up to give them a better chance. It is not always as clear cut as selfishness or selflessness but of necessity.

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  44. Regardless of her reasoning at the time she should have had the decency, the common courtesy to meet with you at least once. That kind of betrayal leaves a mark and regardless of what you do or don’t do you are always aware of it. Here selfishness on that day harmed you and while I cannot conceive of how you felt (no one not in your position could I would imagine) I can tell you I wouldn’t forget that. Forgiveness at some point for your own piece of mind does not mean absolving her or forgetting and I’m not entirely sure forgiveness is necessary regardless of what people say. But then I’m a bit of a bitch – the only time I turn the other cheek is to reach for a weapon.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. I’m adopted too and have heard this many times. But the common thing friends had ever asked was “What if you were to meet her/him?” I share your opinion, I don’t care and hold no compassion for them. I though don’t hate them, but I wouldn’t consider the act selflessness.

    Liked by 2 people

  46. I might not understand how you must have felt when you found out you were adopted.But your right about the fact that they can’t be called selfless because no mother would be ready to give her child up.

    Liked by 2 people

  47. Thank you for finally telling the truth. To give up your very own baby is always about YOU. I am the child of a teenage mother who chose to raise me, then I adopted two children.
    If you really love your child, you will do whatever it takes to keep your child with you. There is plenty of assistance (WIC, food stamps, govt. housing) if you don’t have family support.
    Yes, my mom considered giving me up, but decided to think about the future. My grandmother told her she would regret it later. While she started as a scared, single teenage mom, my mother was married to a wonderful man who adopted me by the time I was 4. She had a decent job and they were doing quite well. My life was good because my mom stuck out those first hard years.

    Thanks for sharing, OM.

    Liked by 2 people

  48. I have a friend whose mother and father (yes fact of life while it is common to turn on the mother to blame , there is a father too, though as he doesn’t have to carry the child as his part of the deal he carries no care nor shame) were as you say ‘not selfish’. They kept their daughter and subjected her to ,in excess of 12years , physical abuse (and emotional ) before she was lucky enough to be put in foster care and still maintains contact as a ‘daughter’ with this lovely couple ( that’s close to 40 years ago they took her in). I know for a fact she considers her birthers to be entirely selfish. I actually believe there are worse feelings than being rejected.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess as sad as it is we all walk less than perfect lives in some manner. Its about seeing the half full glass over the half empty one. Spend time looking at the good in your life OM… I get the impression there is lots there . The past can only be controlled by how you react 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • While I feel for your friend our stories are nothing a like. It is more than a feeling of rejection. People get rejected all the time, that is life. Not everyone though gets to experience true rejection from their parents. Every story is different.

      Liked by 1 person

        • 🙂 I don’t talk much on this topic. It causes a nice mixture of emotions. Besides, unless someone can produce my birth mother’s sorry ass… there really isn’t a ton to say I guess. She has gotten the last of my tears.

          Your comment on fathers is valid. I just don’t have one to hate, hence the presence of only a woman. I’ll always let people know when I am being sexist.

          Liked by 1 person

  49. I was abandoned by my mother when I was 7 ~ she didn’t “feel like” being one. I attempted to reach out to her many times just to be rejected over and over. Well, actually, she would let me in, shit on me, and toss me out again. Mothers suck.

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  50. As someone with adoptees in the family, I can say to at least doe14 that yes, there IS something worse. Leaving defenseless children with birth parents who would abuse and murder them. I get the feelings of rejection. But I have also seen the reasons that no, birth parents are NOT always the best for the child.

    Liked by 3 people

  51. I also can’t stand it when people say, “I know you’re just looking for closure…” Please tell me how trying to locate a woman who gave move away at birth is any sort of closure. There is no such thing in my mind. There is only a continuation of a story there, for both of us. I may not hate my birth mother, but I do not believe potentially meeting her someday will necessarily bring me this simple ending of my fairy tale life. Get real, people. There is no selflessness and there is no closure.

    Liked by 1 person

  52. Okay, now I know you have felt pain and I know it still hurts but I have not rejected you nor would I if you were my baby. I would have loved you from the minute of conception. As a fellow blogger who so relates to so much of what you say all I can say is I am so sorry this has hurt you but it has caused me to love you even more. I wish I was close to you so I could give you a mama bear hug daily and tell you how much everyone else loves you and sometimes that may be more important than one selfish mother who gave you up at birth. You are loved and she is really the one who has lost the most because she never knew you like we do. Her loss honey. Definitely our gain.

    Liked by 1 person

      • It is a process to get out of that kind of deep valley. I have been there also because of the rejection of people. It is a hell of a hole to crawl out of but I believe both you and I are too damn stubborn to give up and too intelligent to quit trying! Besides we are twins remember and you can not leave me here in this wasteland without you! lol

        Liked by 1 person

  53. As a birth mom I respect your feelings and I know that this comes from a world of hurt and your own experience. Whatever your Mothers situation was at the time she had an opportunity to right some wrongs or at the very least give you some closure. For that she is selfish. I can’t speak for all birth moms but I can say that I don’t expect to be thought of as selfless but nor do I feel I was selfish. I have said it before but I really hope that you can find some peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. Harsh. Very harsh. But I can’t agree nor disagree, as I have never been in this situation.

    The closest thing I can compare is when about 3 or 4 years ago, my biological father rejecting me for something so small. To be honest, I still really don’t know why. (other than he is a stubborn ass)

    Then I got to thinking what our relationship was all about. It didn’t add up to much. It was about him. Always about him. I don’t have time for those types of relationships in my life, regardless if it is family or not.

    I get slack from my aunts and uncles saying, ‘That’s just the way he is, you should try to patch things up. You’ll only ever have one father.’ I *tried* to patch things up. He rejected me again. In front of family. Acted as if I didn’t exist.

    I don’t need a *father* like that.

    Yes, it hurts. It hurts bad. But I know it isn’t on me.

    Sorry for the long rant. It’s #Ticked OffTuesday and I am in a mood.😉

    Liked by 2 people

  55. I haven’t really read all of the posts on that period of your life, so I really don’t know what happened in Korea. But, I believe in destiny. If you hadn’t reached where you are now then you wouldn’t have had a lovely wife and daughters. You may not have a blog, or at least the same way as you do now. You don’t know what would have happened. This wouldn’t have, though. It is not meant be a consolation. Because I don’t know the depth of your feelings. And I am not saying that let go of the feelings because they are yours to keep and do whatever with. Honestly, I don’t know what its meant to convey. Good luck, I suppose. Just know that with every rejection somewhere, there is always an acceptance, often a better one, elsewhere, immediately or in some time.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s not easy to just “let go” – at least for me it’s the “why”? I mean, of course there is curiosity of family and such but – get this – my birth mother herself was adopted. So much for that. Anyway, again, I am left with this weird hole – this WHY? My family loves me and I am ever grateful for them – but there is something inside me that burns. Burns because, again for me, I don’t understand how she could just not want me, love me, or even now care about how I am. It’s just a nagging feeling the in back of you head that creeps up – especially when someone blogs about it! Arg!!! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am so sorry as I said I have only second hand experience. My niece was abandoned by her mother. I only know what she told me , her feelings about being abandoned by her mother.
        Luckily for her my brother did not abandon her.
        I apologize I truly did not mean to hurt or upset anyone. I shall keep my mouth shut in future.

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        • No no no – you didn’t upset me. Text doesn’t show tone and manner at times – I thought the😉 would have helped. I was just replying – that it isn’t easy just to ‘let go’ – I wish it was. I mean, it doesn’t overpower my thoughts or even really affect my daily life..(effect? – oh whatever) but it is always there. It’s not easy just to get over the rejection, especially by the one person who is supposed to love and protect you more than anyone else in the world. Never keep your mouth shut – that is why were are all here – to talk, discuss, learn and share! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yes I do understand as mother myself and also being so lucky with the mother I had sadly no longer alive, I should be more careful not to say too much on subjects I have no real knowledge of. Thank you for being so understanding.🙂

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  56. I struggle with this. I am an adoptee. I was adopted in family and I found out when I was 11. I also had siblings elsewhere. My parents were drunk druggies with mental and emotional issues. They later got back together and had another child that they kept. I was raised by “stable” parents …… In an emotionless sterile environment ….. How can you “do the best for the child” by giving them up. You don’t know how their life will go. You do the best for your children by growing up and caring for them. I have always rationalized that “I got the better end of that deal”. But the whole situation sucks. Sorry for the ramble. I’m a few drinks in😉

    Liked by 3 people

    • Difficult to know whether you were better off being adopted or not. I can’t imagine what it would feel like, not knowing who my parents were, to see in myself all their faults as well as the good in them, and to know that i am so so much like them in many ways, whether i like it or not.
      I think just knowing that we get what we get, for a reason – all the good and the not so good, so we can become who we are helps me, when something troubles me.

      Liked by 1 person

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