Giving Up…

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It is hard to accept we have given up on something. Sometimes the release is necessary to heal and move on. Giving up has never been an action I have viewed favorable, but it is a crutch I have used in the past. It is easy to give up when you don’t care anymore. It becomes much harder when you are trying to convince yourself you don’t really care.

Part of my motivation for finally writing “my story” is due to my decision to give up on parts of my past. The hidden dream in the back of my head that I might one day have a happy reunion with my birth mother and sister was killed a long time ago. I just kept it on life support because… why not? We all need dreams and why not have one that won’t ever come true?

Neverland is never forever. One day we grow up and realize the boy we have cradled inside our mind must finally grow up. Harsh reality must be adopted for us to adopt the obvious sometimes, even when the facts are shards of pain that will never disappear. I accepted the pain a long time ago. Why can’t I accept the failure that goes with it.

I don’t remember when I gave up. I just know I have. There is an inner peace that you can find when you finally accept your reality. It takes time though to forget faces, places, and hope. Hope takes forever to die and reappears with the slightest breath of life. I will hope that my hope is truly dead and that I can bury it forever.

I am giving up. I am moving on.

Jason Chandler Cushman

-Opinionated Man

Ahn Soo Jin

44.1

 

26 thoughts on “Giving Up…

  1. Jason, I don’t think this is your failure. This is your birth mother’s failure. Your only part in this is acceptance. That is your only choice. You don’t get to control other people’s feelings, thoughts, nor behaviors. Only yours. The best that I can tell, having read your story, is that you’ve done all you can. It might be time to let go, to move on, and to heal, but it isn’t a failure. At least the failure doesn’t belong to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s hard, to finally let go, and you must do so, psychologically, emotionally, as well as physically too, in order, to free yourself from the past that’s kept you bound so long…it seems, you’re on your way, to finding that needed closure for your younger self, take good care of baby Jason…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know it’s different, but my parents divorced when I was ten, and growing up I dreamed they would get back together and even now at 33, sometimes it still lingers in the back of my head. I’m sorry for your pain… Hope you can heal if that’s possible, you know?

    Liked by 1 person

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