A Book of Triggers – Page 3

It is amazing how much meaning a name can have and yet not have at the same time. I suppose much of that has to do with acceptance of what that name truly means. We are given words to mark us as singular in an overcrowded world that will rarely see you as an individual. Who does that name mean more to? To an adopted child a “given name” is simply another tab in our adoption file. Particularly if that child is Asian and adopted into the United States because most of us are forced to have our names changed. Our “given name” becomes an amusing item of memory that we sometimes fondle late at night as we look to the East.

My Korean name is more than just a trigger because my birth mother gave it to me. I am constantly reminded of the holes in my past when Koreans shake their heads and exclaim “that is a girl’s name!” So we can at least pinpoint where my love of alcohol came from. She had to be drunk to name this Adonis of a man a woman’s name. What was she thinking? Did the orphanage mix up my sister’s name with my own? Dominoes of life fall with a clatter as the inevitable line of questions rattles off in my head. I cannot stop them. I allow them all to fall and run their course. Stopping this line of thought simply bookmarks my pain for a later time of contemplation. I rip off quickly the band aid of life to get it over with.

I have long since placed my Korean past in the closet it belongs. It is only revisited when society tells me I should reflect on certain days with happiness… such as mother’s day. People often say that Christmas is the worst time of the year for them and that depression always seems to rear its head during that holiday. For me mother’s day is the most depressing of all holidays. My depression no longer “rears” his head when he hears of this joyous annual occurrence. Instead he grumbles and mumbles. Only the attentive can make out the words he repeats over and over. “Fuck mother’s day.”

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

 

A Book of Triggers is an online book written by Jason C. Cushman on the blog aopinionatedman.com. All rights and copyright ownership to these posts and words are owned by Jason C. Cushman and HarsH ReaLiTy.

https://aopinionatedman.com/category/a-book-of-triggers/

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42 thoughts on “A Book of Triggers – Page 3

  1. I know you can’t celebrate your birth mother, because of things that happened and that name she gave you, but what’s wrong with celebrating the “mother” who adopted you? I realise it’s a trigger you are discussing, and an outcome. I just had to ask the question.

    I’m sorry if I have been too bold and lacking empathy. I do have a son I adopted and he considers me to be his “Mom”. He is 25 now. No doubt he will one day search out his birth parents…he has expressed the desire more than once, and I believe has made a tentative exploration, but for now he appreciates the “parents” he grew up with.

    Food for thought, as usual, OM 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Father’s day is the bummer for me. My father died when I was nine, and I will never forgive him for it. It wasn’t a car accident, an incurable illness, or the fault of someone else, it was his own doing. My father was a drunk. He wasn’t always so, my uncle tells me it was the fault of a distant in-law who started his drinking. On the night of his death he came home from work, a bar tender, he lost his real job because of drinking too much, so he got a job where customers would buy him drinks (it was legal back then). He drove home from work, passed out in the car, and died of cirrhosis from drinking too much. I grew up never knowing him, not having the fond memories that my brother does: fishing, hunting, camping, baseball. I cannot forgive him for that.

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  3. Jason, nice writing. OM is your salvation. Everything out in the open, and written with energy, and self-preservation. Smart, creative, and thoughtful! I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day either, and I’m a mother with 2 great sons. But, it’s a pressure filled day, totally comercialized. All those other special relative type “days” need to be wiped off the calendar. Let people pick their own holidays. I’m having one today. My son is flying in for a 3 day visit. Happy My Day(s). Christine

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  4. I was a foster child that never got adopted Jason, I have thought about changing my name that my birth mother gave me which is Samantha Josephine to Isabella Rose but I like my birth name. It’s hella long but you can call me Sammi Jo… Sam.. or just Sammi. 🙂

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  5. I don’t presume to have a story like yours, but I was raised by my grandparents and didn’t meet my mother until I was 18. She was not a nice person and Mother’s Day always sucked. There are no cards that say, ‘Happy Mother’s Day to the worst mother in the world.

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    • Sorry I have only just caught up with your adoption story; I was earlier under the impression that the adoption agency got your name from the necklace only…

      I know you are hurt and angry but I hope one day you will be at peace or at least have calm acceptance. The past may be painful but it does not have to ruin your life.

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  6. Did you ever try to change your mind about Mother’s day into a happy day for your wife and learn your beautiful girls to celebrate their good mother in a great way that day? It could maybe also change your view at that day by time. New traditions and ways to do this could be your choice and your family will get the joy of this Jason and remember this joy all their life.
    Looking forward to next page 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. More awesome creations, this string of words. I so resemble this: “Stopping this line of thought simply bookmarks my pain for a later time of contemplation.”

    I don’t enjoy stopping a painful thought or memory unless it feels resolved for the exact reason you described. It just comes back again.

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  8. Haha i used to think it was fathers day that got my goat but i sure have question about threating to kill a guy for idlibg out side my house last chridtmas. Well to be fare i believe i said move it or i’m gonna rip it aparte with my bare hands and you’re going to sit there and enjoy it. It’s pretty highlarious now tho. He probably woulda let me to i bet insurence does cover madpersons dismantling your car by raw force of human spirit he probably was trying to get a new truck lol the wrong way.

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