Page 1 – A Book of Triggers – By: Jason C. Cushman

If I were to imagine a book of life it would best be described as a book of triggers. For what is life other than a slowly revealed circle of need, want, and more need? My book of triggers has always been my journals that I have kept throughout my life. Triggering thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the moment laid to permanent rest by drifting pen. At rest, but never sleeping, they are active memories that swim before my eyes even still as I read my life from dried ink. Is there a point when life can finally be accepted and we see a trigger no more. No, I think not.

I have lived my life balanced on the knife’s edge of emotion. Being far too sensitive as a child, I carried much of that pain because of my inability to ignore pain. To ignore the barbs of life that found welcoming flesh every time within my body. Within my soul. Is there an MRI for the soul and what would the picture of mine look like? I imagine my soul is much like me. We would not appreciate the eye of such scrutiny or the nakedness of such honesty. We would instead turn in upon ourselves, as we have always done, seeking the shell that God never blessed us with.

I write my triggers because I recognize they exist. They are as real as the scars that mark my skin. Denial is a luxury I cannot afford anymore and maybe never could. After my first suicide attempt I realized that I very much hold the ability to deny. I could ignore the sun until it burned my face. Actually that is an apt analogy considering I still remember the burn of bile coming up my throat as my body fought desperately to live. I do not take credit for such actions. A white flag of acceptance hovered above my falling body during this point of my life. Falling for I had indeed fallen to the moment. There was never a clearer time in my life as my body fought to live through my stupidity and that is ironic still to this day. To me the sadness that fact brings is the largest trigger of all.

Jason C. Cushman

-Opinionated Man

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29 thoughts on “Page 1 – A Book of Triggers – By: Jason C. Cushman

  1. I think the STORY of your blog is the best way to present its significance. If your narrative pieces on your life are alternated with selected excerpts from your blog (selected to document movement over time), the story of a young man saving his life on his own terms is told.
    Just one example is your forceful rejection of the narrative framework garenteeing you instant social approval (see several options for “Poor Korean Orphan”). It’s not a refusal to be engaged. It is a refusal to be silenced.
    It’s as if you threw down a gauntlet, and the interactive response that developed is a both a story about you and the rest of us.
    That makes a book.
    If I had the power, I’d call it “So Fucking Read Something Else: a Bridge to the World”
    Yr Fan,
    Big Mouth O’B

    PS It’s really impossible to do this by yourself.
    IMHO, the publishing platform most likely to appreciate a project like this one AND have the specific editor skills is an academic press. But their crossover lists are monitored by commercial houses who often picked them up.

    PLEASE forgive me for this long post.
    Really!

    Like

  2. Well written Jason, looking forward for more 😉
    Got to think that sometimes we very sensitive souls need to learn, how not to take everything inside, just like you could ignore the Sun, just in another way. We need to learn how to tackle life and our emotions to avoid more triggers.

    Like

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