My goal with this blog is to offend everyone in the world at least once with my words… so no one has a reason to have a heightened sense of themselves. We are all ignorant, we are all found wanting, we are all bad people sometimes.
Do not waste your tears or concern over me. A shadow does not need sympathy and rarely acknowledges it, even when presented with the kindest of intentions. I float between scenes, never the main character, but more important than you and you. I have played my part in tragedies, in stories of happiness, and in tales of shame. Amusing to think that the hero can also take on so many other roles and yet willingly do I accept the mask that is given to me. For when I wear the mask no one can see my grimace of disgust. No one can truly see me.
Singular am I as I stand by myself and enjoy the companionship of the wind. Company does not bring comfort, but instead causes a feeling of claustrophobia that threatens to overwhelm me. This is when I am appreciative of my loneliness so that my focus is not divided. No I do not have time for your troubles or issues; they will never supersede my own. My problems stand in a long line of succession and present a lineup one might expect in prison. Their names are even more ridiculous than the vices that they own, but still at least they are mine. At least the decisions were made solely by me alone and because of that I can accept the consequences.
I will never try to justify who I am. I don’t feel the need to and I don’t think people deserve to know all the “whys.” If you want to know “why” something is the way it is go walk the path yourself. Do not attempt to pick the lock of a closed chest simply to satisfy your own selfish curiosity.
Have you ever if you never kissed a thought. Embracing the possibility of a moment, a fantasy of the mind. Would I if I could for a second, realize that which I have pondered. A figment made real by want and desire. I could touch, such a real touch. Made of endless strife, internal, always internal. Have you ever if you never have done the deed. Even if you have dreamed it.
My mind trembles at the touch of a thought. Like disturbed water, I feel the ripples flow through me. They caress my soul like a lover. I love. I roll a sentence into a joint and smoke a thought in the night. They stand beside me now, my thoughts, we glance at the sky together and ponder upon great things. They seem great at the time at least. Did you know they said we have received radio signals from outside our galaxy twice and we recently caught one real time, I ask my soul. He shakes his head and says “I wonder what the alien rap station is. That shit sounds hot.”
I could sing you a tear, a song of dreams that never came true. But instead I will offer you a lullaby and protect you from the night. To slay remorse before it moistens to a touch, you shall feel it not. I would accept this dagger into my heart. Beautiful knife, come hug me steel. I would still smile as I died. A lullaby on my lips.
It has been a long time since I have seen the sun so bright. I hardly recognize the shadow on the ground. It follows me still though so it must be me. A lot of little bottles make a big bottle right? That is what the crow told me last night as he picked at my bones and woke me from my sleep. No more than two hours he whispered, more than that it begins to feel like pleasure. It is a shaky hand that pulls the chain hanging from the moon. It illuminates the night and turns the stars invisible. The sky should never be without the twinkling of chased dreams and yet my sky does not blink. Instead it stares down upon me, adding weight upon my sleeping conscience. I battle and rage within myself. 6 steps now and days are attached to each progression. It does little to comfort. Not yet. Not for me.
Falling pearls bounce like fading hope from my outstretched hand. They flee the desire I have invested in the moment. A moment filled with the sound of bouncing words. Of anger and frustration. The pearls seem to run from the sound of my voice. Our voice, voices united in emotion.
I stare at them and watch as our marriage fades from sight. But the expensive balls bounce loudly, so as to tell the truth about what is happening. I need it.
And yet what do we need in a moment? Nothing, nothing is needed in a moment and because of that we let moments go. We watch them bounce away from our grasp slowly. We stare not at each other, but at falling pearls.