I seem to walk on a middle path between being alert and being asleep most days. Granted much of that has to do with my graveyard shift, but I also make decisions that seem to keep my feet walking that same line. It isn’t a bad life, I catch up on sleep for the most part during the weekend and I am alert around the kids most of the time. Being caught between states of awareness can have its downfalls. Retention of memory can certainly suffer when I am overly exhausted, but I still don’t battle too much with this side-effect as I use memory exercises daily to combat that.

I catch myself feeling guilt sometimes for one key reason. The internal struggle over whether or not I am always in the moment fully. I wonder if I am consciously appreciating each moment with my daughters and wife because of my mental imbalance. This is referring to the mental state I am in due to being tired or a general “hangover” feeling from the life habits in which I engage. I berate myself when I dwell on these internal struggles for too long because they are counterproductive. The bottom line is that I am here for my kids and I am working hard each day to provide a good life for them. That is all one may can hope to do, and can really ever do in life. Accepting this fact is harder on some days than others.


5 thoughts on “Lucid

  1. It sounds to me as if you are doing as well as you can. Most people don’t stop long enough to become conscious that they desire change.

    Thank you for sharing your struggle.


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