I seem to walk on a middle path between being alert and being asleep most days. Granted much of that has to do with my graveyard shift, but I also make decisions that seem to keep my feet walking that same line. It isn’t a bad life, I catch up on sleep for the most part during the weekend and I am alert around the kids most of the time. Being caught between states of awareness can have its downfalls. Retention of memory can certainly suffer when I am overly exhausted, but I still don’t battle too much with this side-effect as I use memory exercises daily to combat that.
I catch myself feeling guilt sometimes for one key reason. The internal struggle over whether or not I am always in the moment fully. I wonder if I am consciously appreciating each moment with my daughters and wife because of my mental imbalance. This is referring to the mental state I am in due to being tired or a general “hangover” feeling from the life habits in which I engage. I berate myself when I dwell on these internal struggles for too long because they are counterproductive. The bottom line is that I am here for my kids and I am working hard each day to provide a good life for them. That is all one may can hope to do, and can really ever do in life. Accepting this fact is harder on some days than others.