I rarely give advice to people. I normally follow my own rules and allow everyone else to fuck up their own lives at will. If I went around fixing everyone’s problems then I would have nothing to laugh at on a daily basis. This might be long so I am going to number them. We are going to pretend people are actually asking me for my advice on this post.
1. Dear OM, my girlfriend cheated on me. How do I get her back?
My dear friendly idiot, you don’t get her back. You date her friend.
2. Dear OM, my girlfriend is a vegan. How do I survive this relationship?
No human can resist the smell of cooked meat. Chances are your girlfriend is actually an alien. She is probably going to eat you while you sleep. There is zero chance of survival.
3. Dear OM, my wife gets mad when I drink more than one beer. She said if I drink more than one I become a “different person.” She also says that someone that doesn’t have a “problem” should be able to do without alcohol. What do I do?
It is always sad when a person is separated from a gift from God. Alcohol was given to man so that he may ignore the pains from the day’s labor… as well as from his wife. Without it we are transformed into gentle, easily molded creatures that oddly resemble… children. I suggest a strong conversation with your woman OR learning the correct combination of vodka to mouth wash. Also please tell her that the “different person” you become is called FUN… fun is good to have around.
4. Dear OM, I see you speak on many topics but you rarely give advice. Why is that?
I own a small mailbox that is shaped like a bird’s house… on welfare. All the hate mail would never fit.
5. Dear OM, I noticed your name is Opinionated Man. Why did you feel the need to clarify that you were a man and not just an opinionated person?
I am reminded I am a man every time I walk, the right gust of wind hits me, and from the look of wonder on a woman’s face when she learns I can cook. I am reminded of the fact I am a male so many times on a daily basis that I figured I might as well start being proud of it.
6. Dear OM, I am 25 and blog regularly. I hold back because I am afraid of what my friends and family might think of my “true opinions.” How do I get past that?
You are 25 for Christ’s sake. Grow the fuck up!
We all know this by now. Humans are busy and it is on YOU the blogger to interest them in reading your site. When we “follow” your blog we don’t sign our souls over to be your subscriber for life. You must find a way to make me want to be a reader for the moment. Human interest depreciates faster than a new car off a sales lot. Don’t worry about your subscriber number so much, it will rise and fall on its own. Instead focus on making the amount of connections you want to daily. That is how you meet people both in reality and virtually. Stop moaning about how not enough of your subscriber base cares about your blog. Make them care.
Nothing wrong with ranting about it actually. Sometimes I have found that a good “rant” will push me towards wanting to write more. I even browse news websites and other blogs to get “annoyed enough to write.” Whatever we must do to keep those fingers moving because in that consistency is where we find our voice I think. At least those of us still trying to find that writing voice. I hope you keep at it and good luck! Maybe join some communities around WP or writing prompts. :) -OM
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Originally posted on A Hufflepuff's Thoughts:
I think it’s fairly clear to see that my motivation is kinda a little bitdead at the moment. I’m sorry.
But honestly, I’ve just been in a kind of blogging slump and I really hate that. It’s not that I’m not enjoying blogging, it’s just I can’t seem to find the motivation to post stuff, even simple lists and link ups. Sometime soon I need to do last month’s favourites post, and I’m also planning to do a massive Music Monday in which I’ll collate all the ones I’ve missed so far. But I just can’t find the motivation or time. Poo.
So, what should I do?
I mean, for a start, I could stop ranting here and actually try and put together a post with good content (because, let’s face it, I’m basically just moaning here which is one of the most boring things ever).
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Last week I shared a personal post with information about my adoption and my lifelong search for my birth sister. I received an amazing amount of responses from people and I am deeply grateful for that.
I also received some backlash from my post. Imagine that huh? The amusing part is my post wasn’t offensive, and yet people will find reasons to be offended right?
“Why did so many people share that post.”
“This post reads like a scam. There are more important things to care about.”
“You should give up. You aren’t ever going to find her.”
“Why is he posting this on a blog? If he were serious about finding her he would take an Ad out in a Korean paper. Scam.”
Those are just a few of the emails, responses, and comments I got from the post and the shares that were done by all of you. I won’t allow a few negative comments to color my view of the blogosphere, but something should be said for how easily people judge and condemn things they have no clue about. That is your right bloggers and if anyone appreciates freedom of speech online it is me. Telling an adoptee they shouldn’t care about a relative they have never met is pretty harsh though. And people say I am mean.
I know everyone hates generalizations so I was really happy when I came across this article in the International Society of Percentage Purists. I had no clue there was such a group! All percentages, facts, and direct quotes can be credited to the ISPP for this article. Thanks ISPP!
- Scientists are now 90% sure that extraterrestrial life exists. They are also 90% sure that E.T. is on his way here. I found a new percentage that 90% of the scientists in this field actually think aliens might already be here. It is amazing how many 90%s one can find in one article.
- Males are losing their intelligence on average at a 2.5% depreciation rate annually. This is “OK” if you ask me because it is nature’s way of weeding out the less intelligent. Natural selection is a bitch.
- When going to a new destination I get lost 75% of the time. I ask for help 0% of the time. I need 0% interaction from the wife during these troubling times.
- To the fake soldiers and fake veterans, yes they exist. 50% of the “war heroes” you meet probably did far less then they say. This is not to say there aren’t real kick ass soldiers out there. I myself served but never heard a shot fired in anger during my time in. I did however rescue those captured marines in that village armed with only a knife and a composite bow. Any similarity to the movie Rambo is mere coincidence.
- Condoms work 99% of the time. I find it amazing that there is only a 1% accident rate when we know for a fact that more than 1% of the world’s population is stupid. That actually makes condoms pretty freaking awesome.
- I believe 93% of the mountains I have seen in my life are fake. They never moved and I never seemed to get closer to them.
- Women will argue with 50% of the things men say and have a 13% laziness factor when it comes to vigilance in this matter. Men will WANT to argue with 99.9% of the things women say, but our 99.9% laziness factor in relationships is a real burden on our motivation.
- 78.3% of the blog posts you read will be bullshit. They will still be more interesting than real news most of the time.
- People that meet Asians guess the wrong nationality 145% of the time. The reason it is over 100% is because you ALL carry the leftover points from the moron that asked me which boat I came on. I flew here asshole!
- I will offend 100% of the people I meet at least once in my life. If you honestly think you have never offended those close to you I hate to be there when the lawyer shows up with those “unexpected” papers. “Honey what happened to us???”
One day when I grow up and I am famous I want to live the fabulous life of a blogger…
You know the blogger celebrities on here that always have a photo of themselves on a boat, plane, or spaceship going somewhere fun while we all work for a living. Why does my life suck so much? I hate you WordPress!
WoW it is ugly. I’m allowed to say that right?
The theme said “open and appealing” so I thought I’d go with it. If I have to suffer you have to suffer.
I am sick and tired of black and white racism. Both of your races act as if the only two races on this planet are black and white. Both of your races smile at each other during the day and hate each other at night. Both of your races play to the emotional strings of other races for support and only support. Not because you really care about the struggles of other colors. To blacks and whites there is only two options. All colors in the middle are less important than the extremes. All colors in the middle simply exist to aid the causes of the extremes. You only care about the “others” during election season and on Sunday when God tells you to.
I am not here FOR blacks and whites. I am not black or white. Other races matter. We too exist.
- You have 99 cats and get offended when people call you “the cat lady.” 99 cats!!!
- You have pictures of guys all over your wall and in your room and none of them are the same race. Either you have the most racially diverse family in the history of racially diverse families… or you just scared me away. What flavor are you missing?
- You forget my name. How the hell do you forget my name? Men write it on our hands.
- The amount you like me seems to equal the amount of alcohol you drink. Sadly the reverse is also true.
- We met at the club… ten years ago. And you still go to the club every weekend.
- You like strip clubs more than I do.
- You chew tobacco. I don’t care what word you throw at me, (feminism) women chewing tobacco is not attractive.
- You hate every other woman alive. OK, we get it, women generally dislike other women. That is cool, I am not exactly the biggest cheerleader of other males, but at the same time we really get tired of the type of woman who ONLY rants on other women. “Oh God… look at her shoes!” “What color is she wearing… in this season???” Just shoot me…
- You like men… but all your feminist friends hate us. I get that some women have friends that follow “trends” they don’t necessarily feel connected to. There is a very good chance that a man will leave you though if every time he comes to pick you up he has to wait in the same room as the “we hate men committee” on Saturday nights.
- Everything we say is wrong. And I mean everything. I have run into men that are dating women that literally tell them they are wrong on each and every subject they dare mention. I often wonder, sometimes aloud, why they are with those types of women.
If I were a woman I would never wear a turtleneck… ever. You hold a distinct advantage over mankind. Why hide it?
If I were a woman I would always use crying first in arguments or tense situations, not as the last resort. Men can’t take crying, it throws us off no matter how tough we are. Try it women. Next time you want to get out of a day of work go to your manager and start to talk and then just burst out in tears. He won’t know what the hell to do and will in many cases just say “hey whatever it is… IT IS COOL go take care of it…” you might want to sniffle out a “thanks Billy…” at the end.
I would never pay for a drink in my life unless I am drinking at 7 am and I am the only pathetic human at the bar…
I would never say or do anything without making dramatic gestures. I don’t know why… but they do that and it looks cool. I think it has to either do with adding emphasis to their words OR they are secretly throwing magic powers at us men…
If I were a woman I would rule the world. Pity… guess no woman is as great as me currently.
I get a ton of amusement out of the emails I receive from people letting me know that I have offended them and that they are now going to promptly unfollow me. I am still amazed at the time and energy some people put into these emails, almost on par with quitting a job. I thought it might be fun to share some of the more popular reasons I have received.
“You need to stop writing on women’s issues. You don’t have a vagina and until you do you will never have a way of understanding the opposite sex.” How about you keep the vagina, I keep writing my opinions, and you choose to go read other blogs? I suggest Freshly Pressed.
“You post far too much. Quality over quantity buddy!” While it hurts that you basically just told me my articles suck… I will suck it up. It will be hard. I think I’ll just keep doing what I am doing and you can click the unfollow button.
“You never say more than a few words in response to my comments, but I see you respond in length to other bloggers.” Maybe those other bloggers are saying more interesting things than you…. Especially if the only thing that draws you out is to complain that “I am not fair.” Boohoo…
“You have turned into a marketing blogger. I signed up to read a writer.” Ouch… I guess selling two eBooks for a short period, posting about marketing, and helping entrepreneurs out constitutes as being a “marketing blogger.” I will now add this to my LinkedIn skills!
“Your views on abortion are insulting and an infringement against my freedom.” Wait, did someone actually make me President?!? I have been waiting for so long!!! Move over Obama.
“You don’t respect women.” You’re right; I don’t respect a general term. I also don’t respect Asians, blacks, whites, men, or stop lights unless I feel like it. I RESPECT PEOPLE WITH NAMES, not out of obligation. Try it.
“You keep spreading this lie that anyone can reach your popularity. You also keep sharing powerblogging secrets.” I didn’t realize there was a “powerblogger club” I was supposed to join. Did my invite get lost in the mail? You want me to sit in the back??? Yes, I do tell people that they can gain whatever audience they desire. This is not some bullshit attempt at motivational speaking, it is the simple truth. Maybe it is not true for people that have no ambition, motivation, or faith though.
“You say things best left unsaid.” No I say things that should be said. People that think this are normally REALLY pissed off by the fact that people are actually reading my words.
To those bloggers I have offended enough to either want to write or have written one of these emails to me I wish you the best. Don’t send me these dumbass emails though. I really could care less why you decide to unfollow me and the sun will still rise tomorrow.
So the day may come when a woman will viciously rip your heart out of your chest, take a bite out of it, and then nonchalantly drop it in a doggie bag before throwing it at your feet. It will be brutal, it will leave you in shock, and it can be very easy to fall victim to despair. That is why I am here, to provide the males in this world a guiding light for which to come back to the living. I sympathize with you men; women can be such brutal beasts.
Here are some easy tips to speed up that recovery.
- If a woman cheats on you that means you have won the lottery. We men do such stupid, silly things to piss our significant others off on a daily basis that when a woman does something monumentally stupid we have to covet those occasions. They really are rare, precious moments in which we get to gather all that palpable guilt, build it into a fictitious umbrella, and hold it over her head FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. I am getting giddy just thinking about it… Women that cheat on you are keepers… as long as you become the gate keeper.
- This is the point in which you say “Well… I have been meaning to tell you…”
- Dump her and date a girl that looks EXACTLY LIKE HER! Women absolutely hate this!!! They will be forced to see the comparison and I would also take the time to flood your “Facebook wall” with tons of photos before she defriends you. Facebook revenge… now we are talking!
- When a woman approaches you with an “issue” they normally expect some long drawn out conversation. Women love that stuff… men do not. The solution here is simple, if she is the “let’s talk it out type,” don’t give her the benefit of making herself feel better. Shrug it off and say things like “Coo… (leave the “L” off, it sounds more hard). I might even make reference to “Oh… we were exclusive this whole time?”
- I think going ape shit is appropriate in some scenarios and it is even more fun when your woman is of the “gentle sort.” She won’t know what is happening as you RAGE around yelling Korean curse words and throwing pillows. I can teach you a few choice Korean words if you have the need, this ain’t no fortune cookie stuff though ok?
- Date her sister.
You stand far too close to me. Are you standing this close because you heard rubbing against an Asian is good luck?
You pop your gum constantly… for hours on end. It causes me to want to climb a wall OR to go over and hit you on the back causing you to spit the gum on the floor. I would then jump up and down on that gum with petulant glee screaming “you done popping yet? ARE YOU???”
I hate how you have a new movement each week. One day you are walking around in a whale outfit and the next you are laying down in front of my SUV while I am trying to drive away saying “I am murdering the ozone.” I can’t keep up with you!
I hate how you count how many drinks I have had. I am keeping count just fine myself. I put the tops in my pocket. Let’s see I have five… ten… more than a few here apparently…
I hate how you suck the fun out of things. You don’t even need to wave a wand you seem to just absorb the fun in the room. I bet if you bumped into a clown you would kill him by contact.
I hate that you are from a different country and think that you know how “America is” because you have visited here once. I have lived here for 30 years and I still don’t understand this batshit country.
I hate that you have a sign that says “Pro-Choice, Abortion Rights” in one hand and in the other you have “Save the Dolphins.” Fuck the dolphins.
I hate people telling me not to say the word “hate.” I love saying hate because everything else is not worth mentioning.
I hate your perfect sentence because I didn’t write it.
I hate people that are famous for being famous. Naming no names here, but it makes me jealous as hell.
What stands the test of time like hate? Love comes and goes, sadness is coffee’s companion, and yet hate is enjoyed at all hours of the day. What is more liberating than hate? Free of constraint and obligation, I freely spread the flames of my fury without hindrance. In my need to destroy I will often burn the unsuspecting. The guiltless will look on in bemusement as the guilty are stabbed by the spear of aggression. Do I need permission to wield this mace of vengeance simply for the sake of spite? Who dares stay my hand with words of law or an overwhelming feeling of “wrong?”
There is one that dares. Might I not hate “him” the most for that very reason?
Why do people have such a hard time following simple ass instructions? What did they teach you in grade school how to finger paint? Humans may be the stupidest mammals on this planet sometimes. Even dogs follow instructions better.
Remember this post I reblogged? It got Freshly Pressed today a few days after my reblog. This keeps happening… and it makes me wonder. Do I have Freshly Pressed members reading my blog? That would be a kick in the virtual nuts…
Don’t mind me. Just grumbling… this is the third time I have reblogged and promoted a person and THEY got Freshly Pressed. I don’t expect to ever be chosen… but you gotta admit it is pretty fucking hilarious right? Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit in my corner.