I’ve tried multiple times to find myself a Sugar Daddy.
The whole thing began as a joke between my college roommate and I. I had quit my job on the premises that my parents told me ‘we would figure it out’, but I had no idea ‘we would figure it out’ meant that they had no fucking clue how my rent would be paid.
After selling nearly all my belongings, my roommate heard about Seeking Arrangements (www.seekingarrangement.com) and I signed myself up. The system was pretty easy, you had to get your photos approved, fill out a short ‘about me’ section and then you could fill in your ‘ideal arrangement’ and the monthly dollar amount you required. I didn’t really know what to expect so despite my rent only being $600 a month, I asked for $3,000. Seemed reasonable.
Just like most ‘dating sites’ you can browse profiles, and send winks or messages to anyone you find interesting. Again, like most ‘dating sites’ it wasn’t long before my inbox was overflowing with messages I couldn’t keep up with and for a second, I thought this might work.
LA seemed to be a nice guy, he messaged me about wanting to take me to travel all across Europe with him over the summer. I had never been to Europe at the time and it sounded intriguing, so I inquired further. I learned that LA was in a failing marriage, had a few kids (one roughly my age) and was in a wheelchair. He wanted to be loved, and he thought he could buy mine.
LA called me multiple times a day, like a boyfriend. I hated him, but I had been invited to Vegas. However, I was invited to go with his friend because LA was taking another girl off the site. I let them book my ticket and against their will I made them talk about money. Nearly $5,000 for the weekend trip including everything being paid for while I was there. Everyone knows I love Vegas.
Unfortunately, I realized they’d want me to actually sleep in their beds with them. I wasn’t worried about being murdered, or having sex with men I barely knew who were in their 40′s. I was worried about pretending to enjoy their cuddling. My inability to keep my disdain a secret led to LA canceling the trip. His friend tried to get me to come to LA, but after explaining to them both you couldn’t pay someone (well at least me) enough to fix their broken marriages they both stopped calling.
The SG was really truly quite kind. He was in his early 60′s and the complete opposite from LA. He didn’t want to talk to me hardly ever, or know about how my day was. What he wanted was for me to come over occasionally and sleep with him in exchange for money. This was something I thought I could do. Provide him some company for an hour or so for $500 and then I was free to live my life.
SG lived in Boulder which made this ‘arrangement’ convenient for me, but with my job, and his frequent travel, we only met once over the course of six months. I drank shots of fireball on my drive over and he gave me the money upfront which I appreciated. In the course of an hour or less I kept him company and escaped with a blow job and $500.
Although I never saw him again, a few months later I asked for some money due to tough times and he sent me $300 over paypal with no questions. He said I could pay him back later, but I haven’t spoken to him since. Since he doesn’t know my real name, address, or anything about me, really I’m not worried anyone is going to come break my legs anytime soon.
The Gift Giver
GG and I met once over coffee months later when I decided to look back into the idea of a Sugar Daddy. He refused to talk money unless we had met in person and I was interested so at a Starbucks we sat. He told me I looked lovely and he looked not a day younger than 60 and life had been cruel to him. Too many hours he worked to one day give a young 21-year-old money to pretend to like him.
He told me that in exchange for my time spent with him, I could give him a list of gifts I wanted and that he would surprise me occasionally. Yeah, like that was going to happen. What I have is 100k in debt from college, I don’t need a fucking Louis Vuitton purse.
The Hopeless Romantic
I recently got back on Seeking Arrangements to see if anything had changed. I wanted to see if I could steal money from anyone, and also find men who I could set straight about ‘exchanging money for love’. Actually the person I ended up speaking to was by (no) coincidence because at the bottom of his profile it said I couldn’t quote it or use his photos for any articles… so I had him call me.
He really believed these relationships he was having were real. That despite taking thousands of dollars from him a month, these women loved him. He was one of the saddest cases: not married, rather young, semi-successful, ugly, overweight, and looking for love. He professed that all the girls on this site were nicer to him than on Match.com. It felt it was too obvious to have to explain that on his Match.com profile, he wasn’t offering money for their affection. After I confessed I had a boyfriend and no interest in sleeping with him, and was a writer, he suddenly ‘had to go’.
I was offered ridiculous amounts of money for weekend trips, and monthly allowances of $5,000. That’s literally five times my current salary, but it didn’t seem worth it. What I’ve gathered is that you have to love the lavish life to want a Sugar Daddy. You need to be a materialistic bitch who can fake love everyday because it’s your job. My own father even told me I couldn’t be an escort or ‘Sugar Baby’ because I’m too raw, honest, open, opinionated, complicated; I’d make a much better hooker.
Say what you will, but it’s the truth. I can’t pretend to love anyone, apparently not even for thousands of dollars.
-The Shit Show