Shatter Me


Shatter me with your passion and send my soul into the wind. That I may fly towards another and share your words. Cradle me against the torrent of humanity, the tears of anger and sadness of others wash over me. I close my eyes to the pain of the world for a second, a second just to myself… Laying down the boulders of others, I take up my own cross and begin to climb The Hill. Inadvertently I follow the footsteps of others, but I do not share their trials or their story. The mud from their tears provides a fresh pavement for my own footsteps to leave their impression. A trail of humanity for the next.

J.C.C.

10 Annoying Things People Say


1. “I hope you don’t get offended by this but…” You are about to say something that is going to make me want to punch you in the face right? I never understood why people feel the need to say this. It must be due to a weak backbone because they normally follow this phrase with something highly offensive. “I hope you don’t get offended by this but… have you gained weight?” Why yes I have and thank you! I am not offended at all!

2. “When I was young.” I seriously think you have to be holding a cane to say this. I actually had a boss once say this to me and when I asked him his age he was younger than I was. Dude… shut your mouth, when you were young indeed.

3. “I’m the type of guy/girl that…” Why don’t you just show me instead of telling me? Honestly if you need to tell people “the type of person you are” you must not be living the real you or they would ALREADY KNOW. And if you are telling this to a new acquaintance just know it is annoying as shit unless you are famous and even if you are famous you better be Anthony Bourdain interesting. Half the time the people actually will do that thing anyways…

4. “How’s it going?” I don’t know why people say “how’s it going” when you pass them in the hall at work. I feel like a jerk if I don’t say a “same shit different day” phrase or something more than “hey!” Maybe I am just anti-social.

5. “You wouldn’t understand.” Is it because I am Korean? I am stupid? I am male? I am tall? I am skinny? I am looking in the wrong direction? God didn’t love me? Why? Why???

6. “I am really good at Starcraft.” LIES! YOU AREN’T KOREAN! I am offended.

7. “I am so tired. I never get any sleep.” Unless you have kids, work two to three jobs to make ends meet, or are in Law/Medical/Architecture school you don’t know tired. Even if you never have kids I still think this is a stupid statement, ask a parent with a couple children how tired they are pumpkin.

8. “Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.” I hate you.

9. “I am sooo offensive!” You see I never claim to be offensive and in fact I think the whole world should love me. People that say this statement are generally as mild as the yellow packet of sauce from Taco Bell.

10. “America thinks they need to police the world and stick their nose in everyone’s business.” Yea, but you guys sure love to ask us for loans right? How are my tax dollars working out for you? I wonder if our Presidents get slapped in the face before or after we hand out these checks. When is it going to end America? Let the world kill itself.

-OM

 

Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter


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She comes into your life and brings nature’s blessing. And with her entrance comes a curse of wanton passion. The grass is still alive as it blazes in the sun. The chorus of our laughter floats gently in the Spring breeze. We are the definition of love and our hands are linked as we dance amongst the growing and the grown alike. We enjoy timeless sunsets on picturesque settings creating canvases waiting to be painted at each moment. We love.

Time works wonders and bonds grow firm. We resolve to walk quietly into the night together. Hands held tightly against the shadows we once faced alone. We pick each other up in the heat of the Summer, against the blazing sun and humanity’s punishment. We turn as one, in unison with one another’s needs. I am your need and you are mine. And like an oak tree we grow together.

The rain has come and we have weathered storms. We still touch… but sometimes our hands Fall like leaves from our tired limbs. The chatter of children running around our base keeps us united, we are still united with finger painted signs and chalk figures. But some nights are cold and the moon shines two shadows upon the ground.

It snows here in Denver. The Winter seems to be most of the year… at least lately. But even with the constant ice, it does melt with the strength of will. A will we share each morning and return to each night. The seasons form a timeless ring that hardens into a golden promise. They touch each time our hands unite with infused emotion. Regardless of what emotion that is the presence of feelings means that we still care.

Jason Cushman

-Opinionated Man

7/11/2014

Final Post – My Adoption Story: Depression and the Devil


Man’s greatest triumphs can sometimes be found during his most difficult times of adversity.

This is my new saying when I reflect upon the “Dark Ages” of my life and my deepest days of depression. I am often not a praying man, which is odd considering my father is a priest and a doctor, and I don’t consider praying in times of need and praying to win the lottery as being a “praying man.”

I feel comfortable talking about my dark ages now, perhaps it is the mask of my pseudonym that gives me courage; but no, it is actually because I have moved on to greener pastures. My dark ages were a product of finding my birth mother at the age of 18. This came about in the most innocent of ways, in the form of a senior graduating gift from my adopted parents, my real parents in my eyes, a gift of adventure and excitement. It was a trip to Korea with a group of other adoptees from Holt International Adoption agency. I could never have dreamed prior to that trip, a trip I packed for with such excitement and enthusiasm, that it would be a trip that would usher in my darkest days. Granted, I had an acceptable childhood (no childhood is perfect), I had already struggled with demons of race and depression. I never considered that those demons would be small compared to the Devil I was about to encounter.

I really won’t get into the specifics of the trip unless someone asks or I am inspired to do so at a later date. Needless to say, since I have already provided the window to view it through, this trip was awful. I had been provided my adoption package by my adopted parents at an earlier time so I “thought” I was prepared for this trip. I “thought” there would be no surprises. I was wrong, depressingly wrong.

I found the information about my birth mother and my blood sister in Busan, South Korea, in a pathetic orphanage that I don’t even remember the name of. I have never liked hospitals or orphanages and I now knew why. No one, unless you are also adopted, can understand the pain that is brought when you are faced with the reality that you were not wanted. Add to this the pain that your mother decided one sibling was less trouble than you would be, and what you have is a maelstrom of emotions, regret, and anger. My storm could have killed me, it almost did.

When I returned I immediately went to college. A time that was supposed to be filled with excitement and growth, was instead filled with depression, anger, weed, and alcohol. I filled my time finding things to fill my “hole.” It did not help; it only delayed the sorrow and pain that I had to face eventually. When I dropped out of college after three and a half years the only welcoming I really wanted was a grave. Failure had become a part of me and it evidently had originated when I was left on that lonely street in Busan, South Korea in 1983.

I become a drunk. At 23 years old I was a first class alcoholic. I recently read Anthony Bourdain’s book “Medium Raw,” and part of my inspiration for writing this comes from him. The other part comes from my loving wife and my two wonderful children, all three of whom I continually feel that I do not deserve but I am forever thankful that I have. So thank you Anthony for the courage to speak or rather to write.

I remember, vaguely of course, stopping every day at Joe’s liquor store and buying a daily pint of the rawest whisky I could find, I believe it cost around $3 dollars a pint, and feeling like the drunks I had always despised I would begin to guzzle it on my short ride home. Before you judge, YES I know this was highly stupid of me and irresponsible, but who can ever say they were responsible while being depressed and drunk? If you know anyone that can make that claim I can in the same breath claim that bastard is a liar. Alcohol was my friend, my confidant, and his name didn’t matter whether it originated in Mexico, America, or hell even some African country. It didn’t matter as long as it felt good touching my lips.

It was late; I would say 3 am, when I saw him. He was not what I expected and I really can’t be sure if it was him or if he just gave me a glimpse of what I would see if I ever really met HIM. I was drunk; I think Braveheart was playing in the background. I was in the upstairs of my parent’s house, yes at age 23 I was living at home again another dagger to my heart, and I felt a presence at my door. In my childhood my father used to have the (then) annoying habit of standing behind us and watching our TV show with us. I never thought about it then, but looking back, he just wanted to be with us even if we did not particularly, at age 15, want him there. This presence was not a comforting one; I felt the hair on my arms stand. I saw a man, it was a man, but he was a shadow of a man at the same time. He looked at me and something awakened in me, it was fear. I had never been so afraid in my life. Keeping in mind that alcohol and weed are the nectar of the gods and that with those coursing through my veins I had thought myself fearless. I was mistaken. With one look the Devil showed me my humanity and all I could think was that I desperately wanted to live. I cried and shut my eyes and when I opened them he was gone. I still to this day do not know if I was dreaming, I really doubt it.

Fear can drive a man crazy, but it can also drive a man to life. I look back on that day and I realize that fear had kicked my ass back into gear. Today I am content. People ask me if I am “happy” all the time, I don’t think like that anymore. I look upon my life with my wife and my daughters and I realize… sometimes being content is enough.

Jason

Women are Crazy (The way to lose your female readers)


This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.

Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.

Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.

Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.

Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.

-Opinionated Man

For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”


I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

Why Can’t Christians Just Say “Hello”


Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t just say “hello, how are you” to a Christian without hearing the inevitable “by the way…” I normally either fake a heart attack when I hear those words, which only works once a year or so or people begin to catch on that you are faking a heart attack, or I pull out my cell and call someone. I have gotten very good at this actually, it is kind of like a Wild West draw sort of technique. I’d be willing to demonstrate for everyone if I did YouTube.com videos… but then I would have to register these hands of fury…

Ever get preached at? My family was part of a large group of “Southerners” that converted to the Eastern Antiochian Orthodox faith as a “movement.” There were literally hundreds of churches involved in this from Pentecostals, Presbyterians, and Methodists that were all seeking something different. My father was a Presbyterian Preacher before converting and becoming an Orthodox Priest. It was a huge deal, but the problem I observed was that we “as a whole” would never shake that “newly converted feeling.” Even to this day, some 30 years of being an Orthodox Christian, I still feel like a newcomer. It sucks and it also shows why many of us never felt the “push or need” to try and “convert the world.” I also UNDERSTAND why others do… I just don’t always see the necessity to verbally assault people like some Christians do.

It reminds me of preacher week at UT Knoxville. I don’t know if they still do this, but there was a “week” where preachers of all religions (mostly Southern based Christian churches though) were able to come and evangelize to the students. They basically sat there and told everyone they were going to hell, shouted it actually. It was something else, if you have never seen a “heated religious debate” this would have been eye candy. Students were having to be held back and police monitored while preachers and people alike yelled the vilest stuff in each other’s faces. The most amusing part was that everyone was probably “Christian.”

I would avoid these “gatherings of humanity” and it furthered my resolve that religious debate just doesn’t serve much purpose. It only creates enemies and even the most amicable of friends can come to furious blows over a difference in what happens when they die. I honestly don’t care what happens to most humans when they die, only my family and closest friends. Just as long as your spirit doesn’t collide with mine and send me spiraling in an alternate… direction… we are good.

-Opinionated Man

The Lost Journals: The Introduction – Pg. 2


It took me some time to decipher the intent of the writer. I quickly realized that the journals were all penned by the same hand. The time consuming task seemed daunting to me, I have never been a fan of the delicate art of replication, but these journals were obviously the meticulous product of many drafts. There were hardly any errors on the pages and the plain brown covering of the journals gave little indication of what was to be found inside.

I at first thought these books were a series of diaries written by someone and I was very interested to see what the life within held. It was after reading the first two that I realized that was not what I owned at all. What I actually held before me was seven different lives narrated within separate bindings. I was astounded. It basically felt like opening one present, expecting a single gift, and suddenly finding that a box full of toys is inside instead.

The story actually grows from here. After completing the seventh book one early morning I set my cup of coffee down on the breakfast table and walked out onto the deck. I looked up and watched as the sky gave birth to our daily sun once more. I contemplated what I had just read and the amazing impact it had on me. I was aware I had just been given something special, but it was not yet clear to me why this story was so important. I believe after reading The Lost Journals, my readers might begin to understand and to share what I felt that morning. A glimpse into what was, what is, and what could be.

***

This is my blog book I am offering to the readers of my blog. The whole story can be found at the following link http://aopinionatedman.com/category/the-lost-journals/ I hope you enjoy the story. All content is owned and copyrighted. You may re-blog, pingback, or share the contents but please give credit to the author and this website. Thank you, -OM

Page 2 OM 12/18/2013

Random House


Our rooms are painted with emotion as we live our life within them. We play our parts well under sun and stars. No script is needed as our hearts spar daily with one another. So passionate is the act our shadows join in the dance. They smile maniacally back at us as they observe the scene of the day. Random House… you present both ends of the essence of feeling and tie our humanity in a knot. Our hands meet and pause while we consider the mood of the moment. Moments spun together presenting life, the life found within the Random House.

Goodnight WP,
-OM

For Men Only – 10 Ways to Lie… but Not “Really Lie” to a Woman


  1. The easiest way is to cross your fingers. This still counts… I don’t know what idiot told everyone this stops working when you are a kid. I use it all the time!
  2. It isn’t really a lie if there is an ounce of truth. Kind of like a pool of water that has a drop of holy water dropped in it is suddenly pure right? Makes sense. So just make sure you put “enough truth” to make it “good enough.” You don’t have to feel guilty about getting caught over “good enough” fellas.
  3. Don’t look her in the eyes. Anything said while not looking a woman in the eyes is questionable and this can be proven in current court records. It will work. Be firm men.
  4. If you kind of trail off at the end of sentences then “technically” more words “might” have been there. This counts as the “loose ends” rule of covering your ass. Use this only as a last resort and when we say “last resort” this is like backing out quickly with guns blazing “last resort.”
  5. If you say that a friend did it this will work, but only a couple times a year. If you are using this all the time it gets old and you deserve to get caught. “Aw honey I am sorry I was late… Bob got drunk and threw up everywhere. I had to follow and make sure he got home ok… I am such a good friend.” If you imagine a halo above your head I hear this sometimes actually occurs. If it does, Youtube that and share with all the other men in the world please.
  6. If you are late say you had to “find the right outfit.” No woman in the world should ever be able to contest this excuse from a man. Ever.
  7. You are allowed to use the excuse “I was saving a kitten from a burning building” once in your life. It helps to photoshop some stuff and maybe not look like the chess club president. That is just hard to believe…
  8. If you are frequently out late and can’t answer your phone and your girlfriend (this won’t work with a wife) asks why you can tell her you are a part-time super hero. I have told all the women in my life this and they all believed me. I am so cool.
  9. If a woman catches you in a lie, code-red alert backup plan Z is breaking down in tears and claiming someone died. You may want to pick someone believable since women have a nasty habit of remembering everything a man says. Everything. So if Uncle Bob is suddenly resurrected at the next family reunion you never thought “she” would make it till… well you better think of a way to resurrect yourself.
  10. Claiming you are allergic to dust and cleaning products works as an excuse out of housework. It will help to perhaps faint a few times and look really ill when in the supermarket cleaning aisle as well.

-OM

I Once Saw a Woman Die


I once saw a woman die. There were no clouds that parted. I looked in her eyes and saw no glimmer of understanding and even to the end that did not change. I watched for the coming of something… and saw nothing from it. Instead what I witnessed was the passing of time. And time stopped for just a moment, she turned and took that woman’s hand and they drifted away.

That was the image of death, when I once saw a woman die.

-Opinionated Man

The Face of Adoption


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The face of adoption is not one face, one story, or one view. I hate reading adoption articles because the writer almost always pushes their views as those of “adoptees in general.” I have found that adoptees are normally courteous to each other, but at the same time we often avoid one another. It is a reminder of who we are, when we see another adoptee, and although we need not be ashamed of our lives… still we know our life is different than it was supposed to be. The face of adoption is not black, white, yellow, or any color. It can only be seen in the mirror through the eyes of the one that owns it.

Jason Cushman

-Opinionated Man

Don’t Follow HarsH ReaLiTy!


I was bored and went through some past anti-HR posts and comments and I made my own. Because it just looked so damn fun…

Don’t follow HarsH ReaLiTy! That Opinionated Man, that Korean bastard, that guy that seems to write whatever he wants. The audacity of that man to follow people and expect them to come and visit his website! I don’t know whether I am jealous or mad that people are actually following him. Don’t you all see his intro page? I just read 25 people thank him for his visit and they followed him back! THEY FOLLOWED HIM BACK?!? What kind of mad world is this? (No seriously this is straight from a comment on my new website on shatteredsmoke.com you really can’t make some of this shit up)

I don’t even think he is Korean to be honest. I am almost positive he is white and he is 16 and he is probably some spoiled, privileged kid. (YES! My false trails are working!) And he certainly can’t write… I mean what are people complimenting him for? His poetry doesn’t even rhyme and all he does is rant about his birth mother all the time. (that too, straight from a comment because it was too good to not add) His theories and random articles are stupid and pointless. (that is because my life is stupid and pointless… obviously.)

I think he is actually a group of people. No one can possibly write as much as he does, keep the posting real time, correspond with dozens of other bloggers daily, work, and do his family life. He is either lying or he is a robot. (damn… I knew my ass felt hard…) I think it must be a group of people and they somehow make their writing all sound similar. (you lost me on this one. I even read the comment a few times…)

He keeps saying he doesn’t use other platforms to gain his audience and that he has never been freshly pressed. Who gains 30,000 followers in a year? I think he is using some marketing company or something. But I have never seen any Ads and I can’t find his name or website anywhere on the web other than for his current blog. (I think Sherlock would be proud of how you just solved your own question. Nice job!) There is something fishy going on and we have already established he is a sociopath and also a homophobe. (*writing down sociopath and homophobe on resume as we speak.*)

I wish he would keep his damn mouth shut on abortion. He doesn’t have a vagina. He isn’t a woman. And what the hell does he know about feminism? (… I got nothing for this. You got me! Ack!) I think we women should get together, find his address, and put the stomping to his face! (that is either going to be painful… or possibly the hottest movie I will never watch.) I am sure something will come to him. Karma is a bitch! (I would like to put out that this is the first time I have ever written the word “bitch” on HarsH ReaLiTy. It feels like we just had a moment there.)

I am sure his blog will be shut down eventually. And those fake followers will disappear. He is basically only waiting for praise and is rude to anyone that disagrees with him. I can’t believe everyone likes this jerk! (I completely agree. There I said it.) Whatever, he isn’t worth my time… (now this line gets me. Truly, I am not worth their time and yet it never fails that I come across a post or comments that basically… just made this post. Tada!)

-OM

Addict


I want or do I need?

I seek as I begin to feen.

Irritation bubbles like a cloud.

Deciding who I hate from the crowd.

I see a red mist before my eyes.

Compassion, love… it all dies.

Cheerful laughter of children does not help.

It is all about me. Myself.

I shout within, hidden behind a mirror.

One day it will shatter. Finally bringing forth the horror.

-OM

Don’t Preach to me Feminists


Don’t preach to me feminists about what you stand for anymore. Here is an idea, go preach to your “so called group.” It is OTHER FEMINISTS that are giving you a bad name. I suggest an annual convention to really get your group’s goals down in print.

I hate arguing with feminists. All they have to say is “well you don’t get feminism.” Others will say “well those women aren’t really feminists.” At what point do WE that aren’t feminist get to say “well what makes your feminist views better than that girls over there?” All this man hate everywhere is so amusing to me. Who do you hate women? The successful man? The privileged man? The good looking men or maybe the men that just think they are good looking? Do you also hate male bunnies? I do.

When your movement gets taken over by enough fractions it is no longer valid. It is a failure. Taking the goals of the original feminists and calling it something else (how about humanism?) might be a good idea. How long before you all get tired of making excuses for the “other feminists?”

How long before the feminists that are really about equality understand that they are outnumbered by the man hating women in this world? We men have accepted their existence, is it not time you feminists did as well and addressed your internal issue? Open your eyes.

-OM

Want Views? – Pump Your Posts!


It is very hard for your article to get noticed if you simply send it out into the WordPress world and sit back and hope it gets seen. I avoid the “hope” part by actively pumping my posts before and after I publish them. This is a way to create “interest” in your article even before it hits the board. I pump my posts by pushing my blog towards groups I think will either like or hate a previous post or a future post I am about to write. I then count on timing for them to actually see the post I hope they get to read. It is from that single connection that a blogger can try to build a relationship with the reader.

Imagine WordPress as a River and not an Ocean. The river that all posts go to from bloggers on WordPress is always filling up and even more importantly those posts are being shot down a single line. The river image is perfect actually because you are counting on readers that are lining up on either side fishing for posts by tag. A blogger should keep this mental image in mind to understand how hard it is for a “random reader” to see a single post by you. The number of articles submitted each minute is astronomical and even “topic specific tags” are quickly overwhelmed.

The great thing about WordPress is that you can send a post down the river again if it is missed the first time. The frequency in which you do this will depend on you as a person, your motivation, and possibly your blogging ethic. People shouldn’t be worried about republishing old posts though because they are your articles, your work, and your words to be proud of.

I have said before that I make my own articles viral. I tested this out actually and I know it works. I was able to “pump” my original Women are Crazy article to close to 150,000 views in 3 months. That was active work done before and after the article was published. There are ways to ensure your work is seen. Whether you want to use those methods is really up to you.

-OM

Guest Post – Make Him Feel Like a Man


You wait for him to text or email. You distract yourself with TV and Facebook. You wait. And wait. Oh, forget this.

You text him.

You suggest meeting up. “Uh, I’m not sure about that weekend. I might be out with the guys that Saturday,” he answers. No problem. You’re free Sunday. Or how about Tuesday after work?

Ladies, that is the problem. You are free. Free, when he’d rather you cost him something.

Men want a distance to have to travel to reach us. On wheels or across cyberspace through words he shoots you in hope. It’s the dream of being a knight, vaguely but deeply printed in their gene code. Lady Catarina didn’t rap on Sir Beef Biceps’ door to pick him up on horseback. And it’s not just physical distance I’m talking about. If you throw up all over the poor guy your deepest longings, give away your story before their time, why would he want to expend any more energy to know more? You’ve left him nothing to wonder about. I’m not saying play games. Good golly, no. Don’t be wasting time, now. I’m encouraging you to let him cross that emotional bridge to reach your heart. To win you. Not as a trophy – but why should he be proud of something he didn’t win? And win means woo.

Men like to do the chasing.

Yes, I’m aware it’s the year 2014. Even Star Wars is old. And hold on before you jump to argue that you’re a different kind of guy and like women to be more assertive or that your relationship doesn’t fit the bill. Hats off to you. I really hope it lasts. There are exceptions to everything, and I’m obviously not talking about gay people. I don’t believe women should be helpless or frail, never assertive or responsive. I know more mixed martial arts than a lot of men and rank pretty high among vocal women. But I will lay it all down to say men get in touch with their manhood when they’re free to lead – and we with our womanhood when we are pursued. I’m not trying to resuscitate the Victorian era. The dynamic goes back even farther. It’s as simple as our biology. Men are meant to physically move toward women; we are designed to receive.

You worry you’re not attractive enough, think waiting won’t do? Do you think being aggressive will make you any more desirable? Being too easy to get will only cheapen you. Yeah, I agree a lot of men have to step up, go ask Oz for some courage. But just a little boldness will go a long way when he sees anything in you that has him wanting more. He will ford rivers, cross the country, call you again and again. When you let him feel like a man, he will be the one holding onto you.

Wayfarer on A Holistic Journey

Nine Reasons being Asian is Awesome


1) I can walk to the park and start swinging my arms around and claim it is some form of martial arts when it isn’t and people will join in.

2) My eyes are so small I don’t really need shades. I buy them anyways because they make me look badass.

3) If I am ever lost in the woods I can create a fire with the chopsticks I always have with me.

4) I throw my hands at people like I am throwing a fireball and people actually get scared. Thank you Hollywood.

5) If someone has a problem with their cell phone I can normally take it, look at it for a few minutes, tell them they need a new one, and still look smart.

6) When people ask me math questions they believe me when I quickly say an answer, any answer, and hopefully they don’t realize it till they are down the hall.

7) If someone is about to approach me that I really don’t like I pull my cell phone out and start yelling “what sounds like Korean.” I don’t personally speak Korean, but no one wants to bother an angry Korean man.

8) I can drink anyone under the table in shots of Soju.

9) We look really young until the day we grow old. On that day we are as old as we are going to be till we die…

-OM

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Adoption – Don’t tell me how “Selfless” Birth Mothers Are


I read a ton of adoption articles and posts. I continuously see the words “the birth mother was so selfless in the adoption process.” I can’t swallow that. Granted some women are in a hard place and their action is what is best for them at the time, but don’t feed me the line “she was selfless.” If anything we might as well change that to “selfish” since the decision is about her. To claim the decision is about the child when that child is not yet even born yet is idiotic to me. I can’t accept that.

As an adoptee I understand the feeling of rejection that often comes with the realization that you were given up. We have TV to thank for providing a myriad of “reasons” why this takes place, but ONLY one reason is ever the “true” reason per individual. That is what many people just don’t get when they speak of adoption and adoptees. They don’t understand that hypotheticals and “what ifs” don’t mean shit to us. They just don’t and they provide zero comfort at night.

When I reflect upon my life I often wonder “what would have been” had I never gone to Korea in 2000 and found out about the existence of my birth mother and birth sister. Would the plans and dreams I had already meticulously laid out have come to fruition or would some curveball have come that would have ensured my feet landed in the exact spot I am today. Who can say? I do know that I feel very little value in the knowledge gained and in turn I carry a huge burden because of that day. That period in my life helped solidify my hatred for my birth mother. It may be a cold hate, dormant even, but it is still hatred. It flares up every time I read the words “the birth mother was selfless.” In my case she wasn’t, she was a selfish termagant.

-Opinionated Man

I feel like quitting this blog every week.


I feel like quitting this blog every week. It is a lot of work, I don’t get paid for it, and I am chasing a dream that only I truly believe in. That only I understand.

I get the frustrations from other bloggers and most of my posts are meant as “pushes” to motivate those readers that care to read them. I get discourged easily, as one susceptible to depression I feed off “moments” to push me to the next moment. It is a very human condition and I envy bloggers that continue to push themselves even when they receive little support. I could not imagine still blogging, even for as short as this website has been born, without some type of external motivation. As much as people assume I gain “so much support” from the WordPress community, in truth it is mostly fluff and means nothing. The only person that truly supports my efforts are myself.

My blogging goals are what keep me pushing through to the next day. Without goal marks or expectations I would have grown bored with this platform. I love that I directly impact my numbers and it is the largest thrill for me to see that manipulation directly happen. It is my encouragement and motivation all rolled into one. You will find though that other people won’t understand your goals. They won’t understand your dream and even when you provide proof of accomplishment they will gloss over it. You will have to decide whose opinion means more in these instances.

When I disappear for more than 24 hours it is normally due to me challenging myself not to post, not to respond to comments, and to shut myself completely off. It is near impossible to do and every electronic device I own has some type of connection to my blog. I am always listening to the pulse of my website and that is what helps me to create such a “presence.” It is very hard to deactivate that mentality.

It can become discouraging when you read derogatory posts about your blog, methods of blogging, or even about you in general. That is what you accept upon yourself when you become an audience writer OR powerblogger. I accept that and this is not a whine. Still… it can get old reading the attacks and lies being spread about you. How easy it can be to label someone the enemy.

If you are serious about writing for an audience I wish you the best with it. It can be gratifying, exciting, and completely frustrating. Find a balance and understand that you will go through some of the same growing pains that the rest of us go through. I feel like quitting every week, but I don’t because I won’t allow anyone to push me away from doing something I enjoy.

Screw them, I will keep doing me.

-Opinionated Man

Why you are Alone on Valentine’s Day!


You think all men are pigs. Well show me a pig that can pick out a Hallmark card, pay for it, sign it, and buy chocolate without eating it and I will agree with you! Otherwise… you are just picky and alone.

You measure men against characters from movies. Look we get it, those men in TV shows and popular movies are suave and slick as hell. They also had twenty men AND women write their lines for them. If I had a committee that filtered every word before it came out of my mouth I might just be perfect as well.

You keep trying to meet guys at the club. I will never understand why women choose to get involved with men that are obviously “players” and then get shocked and upset when they get cheated on. You know who won’t cheat on you? The chess club president that is who. I don’t think a chess club president has ever cheated on a girlfriend in the history of chess!

You hated every boyfriend in the past… and you tell every new boyfriend about it. Yes, unfortunately there are some assholes in the world and you just might have dated some of them! I didn’t come on this date to hear about Richard, Bobby, and Joey ok? If you are alone and you have the habit of ranting about Ex-BFs… maybe a time of self-reflection is required.

You look like a runway model every day. This one might be confusing because what guy wouldn’t want to date a model? Sounds like a lot of drama, I mean fun, but I do feel the need to clarify to women that if you step out of your door every day looking like a fashion model… most “average guys” won’t dare to speak to you. All we see is dollar signs walking around in high heels that none of us can afford to buy you.

You hate flowers, you hate chocolate, and you hate bunnies and you hate… If you hate “everything” or are the type that says you “hate everything” I just won’t try. Why waste my time and money? YOU HATE EVERYTHING!

You LOVE Valentine’s Day. Bahumbug… I hate this holiday. I think many men do too, which is why in the Guycode Book it states “that unless you are married or in a serious relationship you should break all non-important social agreements till after gift buying season is over.” See page 69.

-Opinionated Man

An Introduction to Powerblogging – Part 1


There is a reason why I have waited this long to write this post and also why I have shared articles on blogging this past week. They were leading to this point, one which many bloggers will hate. That is the price you pay when you share information freely, especially about topics people dislike. If you were to browse the tags “blogging, bloggers, and blog” right now you would find countless articles on blogging and how to successfully make a blog. You won’t find many people writing on powerblogs, except in the most general way. That is because the term “powerblogger” was given as an insult to label those of us that WordPress and Blogger deem to be all about the numbers and audience. The insult is in the assumption that we also don’t care about our writing.

This post will be longer than usual for me and I plan to cover what I have learned about powerblogging this past year. Yes, you heard correctly, I have only been a powerblogger for a year and ironically I have only been blogging for the same amount of time. Success is a distant marker that we each get the freedom of chasing. I did not wait for someone to tell me the “rules” I made my own. I didn’t wait to learn “how everyone else was doing it” because I have often found that people have very “small minds” when it comes to ideas and execution. The human brain can often not be bothered to think outside the box, thus what we readers get are blog after blog of regurgitated, politically correct crap.

We blog for different reasons and I can confidently say that I blog differently than most of you… probably all of you. Some of the following will be known, but I hope some of it is new and might open your eyes to what a powerblogger is and does.

When I began HarsH ReaLiTy on January 3rd, 2013 I had no real plan other than trying to get my writing seen. That was the number one goal, “how do I get people to read my stuff?” It was only later on that I adapted the “wish” for comments as well, because to be honest a view is a view. Period. There is no “fake view” or “fake follow” the bloggers that claim that are idiots. Did a person not have to see your blog title to press like? Did we not have to read at least a word of your article to like and follow you? If you judge your popularity by “likes and follows” then you will have a fruitless writing career. I don’t pay attention to those numbers, they mean shit other than providing a basic understanding of daily traffic. This understanding can ONLY come from studying your numbers and seeing what gets viewed and why. Many might find this boring, that is understandable, but if you are serious about self-promotion, business, and selling those damn eBooks then you might want to start paying attention to your stats and dashboard. That IS your link to the outside word for your blog.

I value every view, regardless if someone follows me, comments, or presses like. I also don’t “like” any article I have not read. I will generally “follow” a person off the reader, so that connection will show up in their email notification as a “like and follow” by me. In truth I have not pressed “like” on that article. I followed a person because I skimmed their post, liked their title, or I see they are an active blogger. I then will wait for that connection to be returned in many cases. Is this a game of “I follow you and you follow me in turn” like I have seen post after post about? No, it really isn’t, because I am not studying the number of followers. I am waiting to see if a person that just visited my site has gone on a “reading binge” and has “blitzkrieged” my website. That to me is the indiciation that a REAL connection has been made. The “handshake” connection is actually where someone reads my about or bio, likes it, comments, and then disappears. That is STILL a view, I still value that interaction, but it is set in a different category from a habitual visitor.

I have repeatedly said that powerblogging is more than just “randomly” clicking on websites in hopes that people will visit you back. If it were indeed that easy, everyone would be doing it AND successfully, which is not the case. “Following” people is a large part of pushing your website out to the public. You will read and hear endless posts and comments on how bad of a practice this is. “It is insincere” or “I think every blogging connection should be a real relationship and not a ploy for business.” If you powerblog you WILL get these comments. You might even make it to the “big time” and will “randomly” happen upon those awesome posts about you while browsing WordPress. The awesome part is because they will be directly about you and your blog, they will name you, and they will villianize what you are and what you do. If this bothers you or if negative feedback causes you hesitation, powerblogging is NOT for you. You will need to be made of tougher stuff than that. Currently I could rattle off a dozen posts just this past month about me. I can also name many bloggers that think what I do is pathetic and a “low” form of blogging. You will have to decide whether or not public opinion matters to you and if it does you might want to reconsider taking any of these pieces of advice.

Generally I follow about 500 blogs a day. On a good day or perhaps a day from last year where my motivation was much higher, I would follow or connect with around 2000 blogs a day. My hope for a “return” on this practice has always been the number 750. I set that as a buffer number, because it is just high enough to push me but not to burn me out. I seek 750 new eyes on my website every day. To an author or someone that is pushing their business or books, this is where I say the marketing really IS. With every follower or every glance at your website you are realizing a “possible sell.” THAT is the name of the game and anyone that says differently is a fool and you should NOT listen to them. But if you instead write “for yourself” and are happy selling your books to only your friends and family… by all means listen to “Cindy and Jack” your kind supporting friends that will never tell you a negative bulletpoint. These people are not helping you though in the long run and an attitude that thinks that they are is the wrong attitude for self-promotion and success.

I listen to no one when it comes to self-promotion. There is so much bad advice out there. So many people with wishful thinking and sugary thoughts of “success will come when it is meant to.” FUCK THAT! I go out and I search for success because success is in all reality the ultimate mythical hart that every hunter seeks. Those that say they don’t care about success, all the while they pour their hearts into their words and product, are not only lying to you but to themselves as well. Living a lie can sometimes be the best remedy for failure. If that is your poison have fun foolishly enjoying it.

You cannot randomly click “follow” and hope to create a powerblog. There is so much more to this “art” then it appears. I say art because the process itself is an art. Anyone that has blogged on HarsH ReaLiTy and has seen my stats knows I am speaking the truth. They have seen my numbers and even more they have witnessed the fluctuations. Not an hour ago I was asked “why have your numbers fallen since last July and can you explain the bell curb?” Of course I can, it is the product of effort and lack thereof. I have not clicked follow or pushed my blog nearly as hard as I did last year and for good reason. They are my reasons. Last year I was actually “following” and actively pushing my website to the number of around 2000 clicks daily. That is not an exaggeration either. What a person must realize is there is a percentage to explain everything in life, especially a blog. Numbers don’t lie and if you know how to read them they can actually reveal the “heartbeat” of your blog. When I was actively pushing my blog I would have over 750 new visits a day and the retention rate of those visitors was higher as well. My content also has a large amount to do with this rate. Removing an offensive title and tagline would be an immeasurable help in gathering followers, but I refuse to change that. A Good Blog is Hard to Find is actually my new sample test against this theory. I can firmly say that it has shown me I have lost A LOT of potential followers because of what HarsH ReaLiTy now “stands for.”

The amount I blog on HR has fallen this year because I always intended it to be so. I never really planned on devoting more than a year to HarsH ReaLiTy, but I have also adapted that plan slightly. The problem with HR is that it has capped in many ways. I still gain followers daily, but the issue is when you get to a certain size people stop seeing you as an attraction. You gain a label and an outlook, regardless if your practices stay the same. When I say practices let me elaborate on what I mean by that. Last year I received anywhere from 300 – 600 comments daily and much of that is due to the fact that I posted on average 5 times a day. I want to reiterate here that “over posting” doesn’t exist, but pushing out tons of posts ALSO won’t gain you tons of followers. The reason being is that you will find few bloggers that actually read ALL of your posts. I have a few people like that, but it is rare and it basically takes time to find a reader such as that. They are what writers seek though. I spend a lot of my time responding to comments, reading blogs (yes, contrary to popular belief I actually read around 200 blog posts a day), and writing articles. The addition of the comments and emails adds considerable amount of work. I work four days a week in Information Technology and have the luxury of being able to blog at work. I therefore spend around 8 hours daily on my blog and often this includes weekends. I sleep very little and because I have kids I force myself to do a lot of my writing at night. This is neither practical nor possible for many people, but I am trying to provide a full picture of what I do.

7 days a week I was on my blog last year. It has only been recently that I have started to take weekends off and my guest bloggers will attest to the fall in stats because of this. I don’t care because I KNOW what drives stats and views. There is no “dormant stage” for a blog. There is either motivated blogging or lazy blogging to me. I hate laziness and will never entertain the thought of being called lazy by anyone. I have had this word fielded in my direction and honestly, it didn’t deserve the snort that it got.

Powerblogging is about money and making money. Whether you are pushing a product, sharing your writing, or basically trying to create a business for future ventures powerblogging is where you want your website to go if you are truly after numbers and success. Writing is a skill and something to be treasured, thus I have time and time again tried to present the difference to my readers. I take writing and blogging seriously, but I separate them. I always have and always will and this post should share why I do. Blogging is the business and traffic aspect of pushing my website, the writing is something I am always working on and trying to improve. As one commenter said, the reason I post so much is because I am not hindered by public displays of negative feedback. That is why I am writing, any review is welcome. To pick and choose is to pick and choose your followers and that to me is a mistake in principle.

I wrote an eBook back in May of 2013 and I shared my blogging principles and methods. This is a much larger elaboration and I have more still to share. The irony is that this post is probably more in-depth than the eBook, but I have also learned a ton since last May. Well, that is debatable, but I think I have.

Mirror blogs and secondary blogs are becoming more common. You will see many current “powerbloggers” (some of which don’t meet the description to me) hosting mirror sites in which they are simply refunneling their previous posts. While this in itself is not a bad practice, nor is it a bad idea, there needs to be some clear understanding as to what, why, and how this is done. There are some bloggers that will reblog themselves to gain views. The issue I have with this is when they reblog their own post… ON THE SAME DAMN WEBSITE. Who wants to see you reblog yourself? If you have been blogging for years and think you have posts hidden at the bottom of the pile that people might genuinely enjoy “again or for the first time” then simply repost that article. Don’t reblog it and make it obvious you are recycling your posts. When a singer lip sings do they make it obvious? No, they try to play that shit off because people don’t want to think that YOU “think” they are fools. Treat us like adults and instead just repost that entry and see if people like it again.

You will find many bloggers are using “separate” mirror blogs to push their current blog. This is a GREAT practice that has been in use FOREVER! People that think this is a new idea are either not in marketing or failed out of marketing 101 in college. Business owners and strategists have been using the “wall theory” forever. Bouncing ideas off a smaller target or “sample audience” OR simply using a secondary website to get eyes on a topic or issue. There is nothing wrong with this, WordPress isn’t going to run out of room because you decide to make a second website. Anyone that tells you that making new websites is “clogging WordPress” is OBVIOUSLY the best network engineer in the world…

Another thing some powerbloggers do is they create a second website that is completely unaffiliated to their first. They will then “rehash” their previous year’s materiel onto their new blog and by using the scheduling features they are essentially able to create a blog with no new materiel and one that is ready for a year. It is still their writing that they are proud of and are trying to push in front of the public’s eye, so fair is fair when it comes to motivation and even more importantly dedication to promoting yourself.

I don’t schedule my posts, but I have before. I enjoy writing “real-time” and allowing my audience to feel and understand what I think of the moment. I also don’t try and cram every single thought for my day into one post. Many bloggers create well thought out, scripted posts that read like a novel. That is great for them and all and they deserve the recognition and likes people give them from doing that type of task. For me I don’t think a post has to be perfect. When I press publish on this post, an article that is about 7 times longer than most I write, I will probably have a ton of grammatical mistakes that will be obvious to the reader that cares. The thing writers need to remember, especially writers of a blog where they are pushing their thoughts out every day, is that there will be just as many readers that don’t care and will still read. They will also come back and read more, as long as you are putting out new content. If you sit there and second guess your worth and the readability of your articles, you will only filter your website down to a point where it is no longer you. It is a filtered you and who really wants to read that? You should also take note that finding people that are writing about similar topics is the best practice in finding bloggers that “might” like your website. This is particular telling when you actively find people writing about your subjects, even as your topics change daily. This provides a mixture in viewers that will pay you back.

I post lots of times in a day, but each post is generally directly related to a singular topic. I don’t try to carry my readers on some long epic journey through multiple layers of thought because blogging is a “quick fix” type of enjoyment. People read blogs, instead of books, often times for a fast read. Under 1000 words and they really don’t want to think too hard. This is not the case for all bloggers, but understanding the existence of this predominate group will help you when considering what to write, how to write it, and how to present it. If you bury your audience in tireless posts and an overwhelming amount of imagery and mental pictures… you will lose most of your audience.

Titles are everything if you are a writer. If you run a photography or art blog, your titles “might” not matter as much because pictures will show in readers. I don’t post a ton of pictures, actually I rarely do, and because of that I must hedge my bet on a catchy title. But the title won’t make or break your article, it will simply go hand in hand with the percentage that you gather while writing it. It is thus harder on a “true writer” in many ways to gain an audience. This is also why I don’t stick to one topic, theme, or type of writing. I try my hand at anything and that “unpredictable nature” is also a bullet point in my “how to blog” manual. Humans are creatures that grow bored faster than any other animal on this planet. Keep that in mind when you are wondering why people aren’t returning to read the “same type of post” you have been doing for years.

WordAds is a great feature for WordPress users to see at least “a little” monetary gain from their efforts. Why write for free? Also, if your followers aren’t paying the price tag, why should it matter to them if you have Ads? I once had an “Ex-Follower” (yes, we powerbloggers actually get “ex-followers”) who claimed that it was shady of me to gain anything from my followers. I responded with a wake-up call. You do realize that you are paying someone every time you log into any website right? Gmail, google, and EVEN WORDPRESS ITSELF makes money off your usage. Don’t feed me this crap of “it is bad form to make money off anyone” because EVERYONE is making money off EVERYONE. Wake the Fuck Up!

This is getting long and I may come back and add to this later or write an addition. There will be many bloggers and powerbloggers alike that will absolutely hate this post. They will hate that I share this info, or that I do it in such a nonchalant way. As if I am supposed to care about what other bloggers think of it. Unfortunately for them and perhaps fortunately for my audience… I could give a shit less what other bloggers think of me or my methods. To prove this, I will even post this article on my new blog and see if it runs any new followers off. If you are always worried about what others think of what you are doing, saying, or thinking then blogging for an audience is not for you. Save yourself some heartache and instead take on knitting.

-Opinionated Man

2/16/2014

07:02:44

Your Audience is Not Your Friend


You may find that after you gain a certain number of readers you will begin to feel “secure” in your own environment. This is not a bad thing and a writer should feel comfortable in their own “realm.” I get emails asking me how I write on the hard topics without pause. I have an easy answer for this. Only write on highly charged subjects if you are prepared to fight the good fight alone.

The meaning of my title is pretty straight forward. Don’t rely on your audience to defend you or to support your views. Instead, only write on topics that you are willing to defend, possibly debate, or expound on further. If you are unwilling to suffer the criticism that comes from writing an article, don’t write the post.

Many new readers and perhaps some of my old followers possibly feel that I sit around and brain storm ideas for articles that will generate debate and contention. While I will agree that my writing style does seem to generate this atmosphere, I can assure each of you that my posts are as random as they can possibly be… and still originate from the same brain. I simply enjoy poking anything I can with a stick and watching the ants run. That doesn’t mean I walk around with a stick though…

As you make connections on WordPress you will encounter people that will become “friends” to an extent. I am still of the habit of always being aware of reality, and that reality is that “friends” are always around when it is sunny. As soon as a few drops of rain come, however, they quickly find greener pastures to settle into. Your audience is not your friend.

-Opinionated Man

“You speak English son?”


In a country as diverse as America you may randomly get asked this question. I suppose that is to be expected, however, there are a few instances where I find it ridiculous. The main instance is when you and I have already had a conversation and THEN you ask me if I can speak English. “No Sir I can’t, I was really just nodding my head to the rhythm of your words…

It was a Saturday night and the wife and I had decided to go to Blackhawk, CO to play at the Indian casinos. We had an amazing time, namely because my wife was extremely lucky that day and hit two large jackpots on slot machines. We of course had a shot of patron for each win, but because I was driving I withheld the urge to have more beverages to celebrate. We stayed a few hours at the casino, more than enough time for me to process twice as much alcohol as I had, but we still made our way carefully down the mountain back towards Denver. The road can be remarkably dangerous and I knew this first hand having hit a deer in my brand new Eclipse a couple years earlier. Apparently deer have no regard for their own personal safety or the image of my baby car which I still mourn to this day.

As we made our way towards the one gas station located a few miles outside of Blackhawk I began to see red and blue lights ahead. I immediately thought it was either an accident or a DUI checkpoint, and sure enough the police were standing in the middle of the road conducting DUI “interviews” on passing cars. I say “interviews” here because the cops were actively talking to each driver and sending the ones they “suspected” of being under the influence to the dirt parking lot nearby. It was my lucky night.

Sir have you had anything to drink tonight?” the cop asked me.

I had a couple drinks three hours ago,” I answered honestly. I could actually feel the nervousness from my wife.

A second cop approached from the passenger side and shined his flashlight at me. The first officer placed his hand on his gun and said “I am going to need you to pull over so we can do a quick sobriety test.” He made it apparent this was not a request. “Please pull over slowly to the right and don’t allow your car to break contact from my hand” he said with what I imagine he thought was a stern demeanor.

I pulled slowly over, very slowly, and ensured his grip of authority never lost contact with my vehicle. I was a little nervous, not because of the possibility of blowing over the limit, but because both the cops were white and I have a large suspicion about law enforcement in general. Namely that I think police are worthless for the most part, at least in many of the cities I have lived in, and they seem more gauged at causing trouble for the law abiding citizens than the criminals. Once I had parked my car the cops motioned for me to get out of the vehicle.

The police explained to me that they had pulled me out because they smelled alcohol on my breath. I thought “bullshit” because I had only had two shots and after those I had eaten and drank non-alcoholic drinks. There is absolutely no way he smelled anything but my Febreze air freshener. I was very confident because I knew I was fine to drive and that these cops were just looking for a criminal if they could find one. We spoke for a few minutes in which I explained why we were in the mountains, because apparently Asians don’t travel into the mountains at night because they melt from the high altitude, and then he dropped the question on me.

Before we begin I need to ask if you speak good enough English to talk to me. Do you need a personal translator?

I had a hard time biting back my retort which would have thrown me in jail. The deciding factor was his partner who still had not taken his hand off his gun. Overaggressive policemen are not hard to find and they frequent Youtube these days on viral video after video. I wasn’t about to be the next “when police attack video” that got a million hits, it wasn’t worth sacrificing the beauty of my face just for a viral video. But seriously where does a guy get off asking me if I speak fucking English when we just spoke for several minutes and my vocabulary obviously exceeds your own?

We began the test and let me point out that giving ANYONE a DUI test on a gravel parking lot is complete bullshit. I have trouble enough walking a straight line in the street, add some rocks and I definitely wasn’t looking very coordinated. I am a part-time ninja, but I can’t do shit without my ninja outfit. The issue arose when we began the ABC test which consisted of me saying the alphabet backwards. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, maybe I am just a dumbass, but I have never practiced saying the ABCs backwards. Why would anyone learn to do that? I was about two vowels away from getting tackled before I made it through finally. It wasn’t pretty, but I suppose I could have simply said “I guess I really don’t know English…”

So what ends up happening? After all five tests, YES FIVE TESTS, were done the idiot ends up giving me a Breathalyzer test and guess what this non-English speaking Korean blew? 0.00, that is what. I refrained from giving the cops any sign language as we drove off and I am surprised they didn’t chase after me for “accelerating too fast.” What can I say? Cops love me.

-OM